Category Archives: parenting

mom approved tips, parenting, social networks

Mom-Approved Tips: Is your teen on Twitter?

 

teens on twitterIs your teen on Twitter? Are you on Twitter? You should be. Twitter is not only a great resource for college prep, but it’s also the go-to social hangout for your teenager. They also air their thoughts and frustrations there. It’s amazing how teens find it to be a place to vent, especially about the pressure they feel from their parents about the college prep process. Are you surprised? I know I was.

Twitter has overtaken Facebook as the social media network that is most important to teens, according to Piper Jaffray’s semi-annual teen market research report. Twitter is the new king of teens, with 26 percent naming it as their “most important” social site. Only 23 percent said Facebook was most important, down from a high of 42 percent.

The Social Media Explorer points out:

Teens are increasingly turning to Twitter to follow artists and pop culture icons, take part in (or create) memes and trends, and express their innermost thoughts. More and more, teens are also using Twitter as a way to escape their parents’ prying eyes, as parents are far more likely to have a Facebook account than Twitter; it seems many parents don’t realize that their kids are even tweeting, and kids are keeping their accounts private, away from their parents and sometimes also from those who might bully them online. Twitter also allows for anonymity, so teens can take on new (or multiple) personalities, and further isolate themselves from parents or unwanted peers.

According to Pew, teen use of digital media is growing overall; 80% of teens use online social networks. An interesting Pew statistic which may have led to the #GetAustin2Philly trending topic is that more than 2x the number of girls use Twitter: 22% of girls vs. 10% of boys. For teenagers, Twitter is an outlet for fandom, gossip, and chatter; get @mentioned by a celebrity or teen idol and your popularity is sure to rise. Twitter is now a digital autograph book.

Today’s Mom addresses the issue:

Escape from parental monitoring isn’t the only thing driving teens to Twitter. When celebrities adopted the micro-blogging platform kids followed. One can only hope all of Justin Bieber’s 17 million+ followers are all teenagers. Eminem has 8 million (including my privacy-seeking son), Katy Perry 14 million, and Taylor Swift nearly 11 million. The same Pew survey found that most teens are happy using Twitter for benign purposes like following their favorite artists, exploring adolescent angst, and passing along immature humor. If only all kids could be as good as yours and mine.

Kids can be mean, in real life and online

Electronic communication offers a distance that can embolden mean kids. “No one is safe from this new approach to bullying,” says Dawn Spragg, a Licensed Counselor  working with teens and their families in Bentonville, Arkansas, where three high school students were issued citations in Juvenile Court recently for publishing nasty tweets about classmates in a virtual “slam book” on Twitter. Spragg says that the anonymity of online aliases allows kids to bully without having to “back it up” like the bullies of decades past.

Electric PR Media reports:

In an effort to find privacy, teenagers are turning to Twitter as an alternate to Facebook. And although everyone wants to be where their friends are, privacy and a place away from parents is part of the genetic code of any teenager.

Enter Twitter.

Twitter, in comparison to Facebook, offers many appealing features which are just beginning to be appreciated by teenagers. Twitter allows you to have multiple accounts should you chose to do so. Your account name can be a pseudonym, one only your friends know. Your account can also be set to private, allowing you to select your followers. In turn, you chose who you want to follow without seeing their followers, eliminating the social pressure of following friends of friends which can often be the case on Facebook.

In addition to privacy and selectivity, Twitter relies on the use of acronyms and abbreviations (now we’re talking) to send your message in under 140 characters, the equivalent of a text message, but to a circle of friends. It’s a teenager’s dream: Privacy, selectivity and brevity! Does this sound like the parameters of a conversation you’ve had lately with a teenager?

What’s a parent to do?

Your teen is seeking privacy on Twitter…too bad. In 2011, one million children were harassed, threatened, or subjected to cyberbullying in social media. Of these children, only 10% of parents were aware of it. 55% of teens gave out personal information to someone they didn’t know. And only 34% of parents say they regularly check their child’s social network sites.

Unfortunately, unchecked use of social media can lead to hours of lost sleep for teens (yes, teens admit to sleeping with their smartphones and even texting in their sleep), privacy undermined, rumors being spread, school and social life being directly affected by online activity, and worse yet … becoming a victim or perpetrator of cyberbullying.

Teens absolutely need our help and guidance when it comes to online activity, especially in the Twitterverse of anonymity. But how do you help? One mother drew up an iPhone contract when she presented her son with a new phone.

Here are some of the 18 rules (you can read the rest at Huffington Post):

  1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren’t I the greatest?
  2. I will always know the password.
  3. If it rings, answer it. It is a phone. Say hello, use your manners. Do not ever ignore a phone call if the screen reads “Mom” or “Dad”. Not ever.
  4. Hand the phone to one of your parents promptly at 7:30pm every school night & every weekend night at 9:00pm. It will be shut off for the night and turned on again at 7:30am. If you would not make a call to someone’s land line, wherein their parents may answer first, then do not call or text. Listen to those instincts and respect other families like we would like to be respected.
  5. It does not go to school with you. Have a conversation with the people you text in person. It’s a life skill. *Half days, field trips and after school activities will require special consideration.
  6. Do not use this technology to lie, fool, or deceive another human being. Do not involve yourself in conversations that are hurtful to others. Be a good friend first or stay the hell out of the crossfire.
  7. Do not text, email, or say anything through this device you would not say in person.
  8. Do not text, email, or say anything to someone that you would not say out loud with their parents in the room. Censor yourself.

Every parent handles this differently but it goes without saying that hiding your head in the sand and staying technologically challenged can only lead to future problems with your teens and social media. Just as you had to learn parenting skills, take the time to learn about social media platforms and how they work. Your teen may scoff about having their privacy invaded, but that’s what parents do–we parent.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Top 10 Tips for Parents

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top 10 tips for parentsOn Monday’s I dispense my parent advice and today I thought I might share with you some of my past “Top 10 Tips for Parents”. Some might be reality checks, some will provide you with new information, and some are just for fun.

Top 10 Questions Parents Ask about College

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/06/24/top-10-questions-parents-ask-about-college/

10 Must Read Books for Parents of College-bound Teens

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/08/22/10-must-read-books-for-parents-of-college-bound-students/

10 scariest mistakes parents make

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/10/31/10-scariest-mistakes-parents-make/

10 concepts your teen should learn BEFORE college

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/10-concepts/

Top 10 things every parent should know about “hooking up” in college

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/04/hooking-up-in-college/

10 Easy Scholarships

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/09/20/scholarship-friday-10-easy-scholarships/

10 most popular college degrees

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2013/04/04/the-10-most-popular-college-degrees/

10 Facebook pages every parent should like

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/12/14/10-facebook-pages-every-parent-should-like/

10 Good reasons to file the FAFSA

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2012/01/02/10-good-reasons-to-file-the-fafsa/

10 things high school students can do over holiday break

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2011/12/05/10-things-high-school-students-can-do-over-holiday-break/

Top 10 dos and don’ts of parenting a college bound teen

http://www.parentingforcollege.com/2010/05/20/parenting-college-bound-teens/

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: The Apathetic Generation

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

______________________________

citizenship

The Apathetic Generation

Prior to the first Obama presidential election, young adults simply didn’t vote. It’s perplexing to those of us that couldn’t wait to vote when we turned 18. I recall long lines at the polls for the 1972 and 1976 presidential elections.

The New Republic examined voting trends among young people prior to the 2012 election:

It has long been a puzzle why so many young adults do not vote—and why their already low voting rate has generally fallen over the decades. In 1972, 53 percent of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls. By 2000, the figure had fallen to just 36 percent, a historic low. (In contrast, the voting rate among people aged 65 or older rose five percentage points during those years, to 68 percent.) There is no doubt that the Obama campaign of 2008 energized the under-30 crowd, boosting their voting rate to 46 percent. But even then, fewer than half of 18-to-29-year-olds went to the polls compared with more than two-thirds of people aged 65 or older, according to the Census Bureau.

Man on the street reports from various news and entertainment programs underscore the fact that today’s youth are ill-informed and uninvolved in matters of citizenship. Why is this happening and what can parents do to change the tide?

Lack of citizenship is an American epidemic

Increasingly, we are not living up to our responsibilities as citizens.

  • Voting is one of our most important and visible responsibilities as citizens. Yet, fewer than 45% of registered voters and 35% of eligible voters usually vote.
  • Most Americans try to get out of jury duty.
  • Community service is often seen as a once or twice a year activity

Each nation faces economic, social, environmental, security, educational, legal, and health challenges. The solutions to these challenges are most effective when a great number of citizens are involved in making them. Too many good people do nothing. Edmond Burke said, “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to do nothing.”

What is citizenship?

President Kennedy challenged us, “Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.” Unfortunately, since then, our view of citizenship has become skewed. We look more at our rights than our responsibilities. When individuals or special interest groups want something, they claim it is their right. And, we expect the government to take on what should be our responsibilities.

Most Americans see citizenship as voting, jury duty and occasional community service. Keeping democracy strong demands much more. We as citizens must be vigilant and involved. We must each make small sacrifices every day by doing simple, yet powerful citizen actions.

How can you teach your kids to be good citizens?

As I stated earlier, citizenship is more than voting. It’s being involved in your local community, your state and in the government processes. If you teach your children at an early age to be good citizens, they will carry those lessons on into adulthood.

Try these simple activities to teach them to be good citizens:

  • Teach them about this country’s heritage

Teach them about why and how we became a nation,about the basic principles and documents upon which the country was founded,about what it took to achieve today’s standard of living, about the mistakes we’ve made and, about the individuals and events that have played major roles in shaping the country.

Teaching our children about the country’s heritage is important because they know no other way of life. It took enormous courage, loss of life, pain, mistakes, hard work and risk to get here. Our children need to be made aware that they are going to be the custodians of this country and be taught how to do that well.

  • Teach them about the democratic process

If your children see that you’re involved in the process, you are setting a good example for them as they become adults. If you degrade the process and refuse to vote, you are teaching them that it doesn’t matter who is in charge or that you can make a difference in this democracy.

We make the “of the people” part happen by running for public office;  we make the “by the people” part happen by doing the things needed to elect our best to public office; and we make the “for the people” part happen by doing those things that keep us educated on important issues, that keep elected officials aware of our points of view, and that enforce our laws.  The democratic process is not a methodology, but a way of living that keeps our country strong.

  • Support groups that keep our country strong

Teaching your children to respect these groups that contribute to the strength of our democracy encourages them to be a good citizen. Law enforcement, firemen, elected officials, the military and even teachers are groups who are supported to keep the country strong. If you support these groups, your children will learn by your example.

  • Teach them to understand the government and how it works

This begins on the local level and goes up to the federal government. As citizens, it is critical that we understand what our governments are doing and how they are working so we can make sure they don’t take on more power and responsibilities than we gave them and that they carrying out the powers we did give them effectively.

  • Promote a sense of community

Our country is really a community of communities.  A sense of community and of belonging are something most of us need and want. In today’s mobile society, we have become detached to our communities. Neighbors rarely speak and communities rarely rally around one another unless there’s a crisis. Taking pride in your community and becoming involved in the community can be demonstrated by such simple acts as picking up trash, giving blood, start a neighborhood watch, volunteer at local organizations, and recycle.

  • Strengthen the family

It is often said, and usually true, that the whole is greater than the sum of the individual pieces.  In the case of a country, it is equally true that the stronger the families and individuals, the stronger the country.  Involve your children in activities that promote citizenship and community involvement. Encourage your family members to volunteer during the holidays, give to others, and pay it forward when possible.

Check out Wendy’s article , “Will your child be a good citizen?”

 

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: You might be a micro-manager if…

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

micro-managerOne day your child is dependent on you for everything and the next day they are managing on their own. They don’t need you to dress them, or feed them, or tuck them in at night. They don’t need you to walk them to school any more or attend their birthday parties. It’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you are the type of parent who can’t seem to let go and let them grow up.

Before they start the college prep process, it might be a good idea to take stock of just how much you try to micro-manage their lives and make some adjustments.

You might be a micro-manager if:

You press your teen to provide detailed information about their day

Let’s face it—teens volunteer little information about how their day went. If you’re lucky you might get a “fine” or an “ok”, but not much else; and that’s ok. They don’t need to tell you everything, just the important things. Instead of prodding, just try the listening approach. Odds are you will learn much more by listening than you will by constant prodding.

You argue with their teacher about grades

It’s perfectly acceptable to have a conference with your teen’s teacher about their academic progress. But if you find yourself taking it to the next level and arguing with them or questioning the grades, you could be crossing the line. And here’s a tip—you will be embarrassing your teen. Let them fight their own battles; it prepares them for college.

You text your teen repeatedly during school hours

Some parents abuse their texting privileges. They text to find out how their teen did on a test, how their day is going, and even use it to ask probing questions about their relationships. First of all, cellphones should be turned off during class (and for most schools during the day). Secondly, this is a bad habit that might not be seen as intrusive in high school but will once they head off to college.

You search you teen’s belongings just to be nosy

Unless there is good reason to pry (you perceive a drug problem or emotional issue), it’s never good to be a snoop. They do need some privacy and if they find out you are invading that privacy they just might start feeding your obsession. If you’ve raised them well and taught them right from wrong, let their private lives stay private.

AND the 5th clue that you might be a micro-manager…

You offer advice even when it’s not necessary

Sometimes teens just need to vent. They don’t need you to solve all their problems. Unless they ask for help, keep the advice to yourself. Remember that listening is your best tool and that you always learn more by letting them talk. They learn to become problem solvers and this moves them toward independence.

If you see yourself in this list, you might want to readjust your parenting. Your main goal is to train them toward independence. It’s much easier to do this before they go away to college. Once they know you trust them to make their own decisions and live independently, they will be much more likely to thrive when they are on their own.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 8 Tips for building self-esteem

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

8 Tips for building self-esteem

self-esteemIn psychology, the term self-esteem is used to describe a person’s overall sense of self-worth or personal value. Self-esteem can involve a variety of beliefs about the self, such as the appraisal of one’s own appearance, beliefs, emotions and behaviors.

In high esteem families positive ramifications occur. The better family members feel about themselves, the better they treat each other, the better they get treated in return, the better off everyone tends to become. In high esteem families, relationships can become mutually affirming. Members seem more inclined to bring out the best in each other, not the worst.

Teens with high self-esteem tend to be more confident and successful in their pursuit of excellence. But how do you build self-esteem in your children?

1. Start at an early age

If you begin early to build your child’s self-esteem, they will be equipped to face rejection from others and peer pressure during the teen years. A child with low self-esteem will struggle with feelings of insecurity and often depression when faced with these teenage roadblocks.

2. Praise and encourage generously

Too often we focus on what our kids haven’t done or haven’t done right.  Tune in to the positive things your teen has accomplished and offer specific praise.  When praising, include compliments for their efforts as well. If you heap it on too thick, many teens will feel you’re paying them lip service and you’ll defeat the whole purpose of pumping them up.  Be generous, but don’t lay it on for every single good thing they do.

3. Set boundaries and teach consequences

Clear rules communicate the value that you have for your child, and when your children know they are valued, this is the first building block of self-esteem. All children need boundaries, especially teenagers. Establish firm rules and expectations that fit your family’s lifestyle and values.  For example, if you expect your child to do specific household chores, explain clearly to him why this is important. Make it understood that you expect this to be done regularly and outline consequences that will follow if it isn’t.

4. Give constructive criticism when necessary

No one likes to be told they didn’t do something right, particularly if it is done in anger.  Choose how you criticize your impressionable teen wisely.  If your son fails his algebra test, don’t say something sarcastic like “Well, if you had studied for this test instead of playing video games, this never would’ve happened.” Instead, use a concerned tone and say, “It looks like you had some trouble with that math test.  Let’s set up a time to study this week before the next test?”  And never criticize in front of their peers.

5. Leave communication lines open

Teenagers like to be self-sufficient and want us to believe that they have everything under control—but that doesn’t mean that as parents we needn’t keep the lines of communication open and flowing. Find easy ways of communicating with your teen such as: on the drive to school, when they are getting dressed in the mornings, and during family dinners.

One parent started a communication tool called the “Love Mom” journals for each of her kids when they started middle school.  Each of her older children has a notebook that they keep in their bedrooms. This is a “safe place” for them to mention anything that might be on their mind. They have expressed simple things such as what kind of sneakers they would like to get to something more personal such as being embarrassed that they have dandruff.  They go back and forth exchanging quick comments in the book and it truly only takes a few minutes each week.

6. Give them opportunities to make their own decisions

Nothing builds self-esteem more than letting them make their own decisions. Allow your teens, especially to participate in family decisions. Encourage them to make decisions about their friends, their classes, and finally the college they want to attend. The more decisions they make, the more confident they become in themselves and their ability to live as an independent adult.

7. Don’t depend on “things” to raise their self esteem

We’ve all known parents who give their children everything they ask for in an effort to fit in with their peers. But is this the best way to build your teen’s self esteem?

Psychology Today brings up an interesting point:

If you want to teach your child to be a superficial being that is completely dependent on others (peers, marketers, even parents) to tell them they have self-worth, then go for it. Buy them every latest hot new fashion you can find. Dress them up like their favorite rock star, and spend a small fortune on padding their fragile self-esteem. But have no illusion this is good for your child. It may make us parents feel more secure, like we’re protecting our children from name calling, but it won’t help our kids grow up to feel good about themselves inside.

8. Encourage their individual talents

Most of us have dreams for our kids even before they are born, but just because you took a specific path in life, it doesn’t mean your child will want to follow you.  If your teen has an obvious interest or talent, despite the fact that it isn’t something you would choose or do, learn more about why she is passionate about it and encourage her to pursue that interest.  If your child knows you support her, she is apt to be much more successful and will feel confident and more secure in her decisions.

 Read Wendy’s blog–Self Esteem: College Style

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Teaching Teens Consquences

 

teaching teens consequencesOne of the first things we learn growing up is that all of our actions have consequences. If we pull a glass of water off the table, it will spill all over us. If we touch a hot burner on the stove, it will burn. If we pick up a knife on the blade, it will cut us.

Selective memory loss

Teaching teens consequences can be challenging. Unfortunately, too many teens don’t carry that knowledge into their teen years as they begin to make choices that are life changing and life altering. They don’t rationalize that sleeping with someone you just met can have consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, pregnancy, rape and even at the very worst murder. They don’t think that cheating on a test in school, even if you don’t get caught, robs you of an education and learning. They don’t see that getting in a car with a drunk driver could end in tragedy because most teens who are drunk believe they have the capacity to drive. They can’t look far enough into the future to see that going to a college they can’t afford could land them in overwhelming debt after graduation.

Running down the scenarios

I know. All those scenarios are a bit dramatic. But let’s just think before we discount them as viable examples of ignoring the consequences of our choices. Your teen would be well served if he did the same. The next time your teen is tempted to sleep with someone they just met, what would happen if they ran over the previously stated consequences in their mind before they decide to do it? There would be consequences to their decision: good or bad. Before they make the decision to cheat on that next test, they replay the scenarios in their mind before they make those cheat notes. The consequences would be either good or bad. Before they get into a car with another teen who is drunk or drive drunk themselves, imagine what would happen if there is an accident and their friends or other innocent drivers and passengers are killed. Before making those final college choices, your teen should know that their ability to repay massive student loans depends on their ability to gain employment after graduation that would provide enough income to pay back those loans.

All decisions have consequences

When you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you, you tend to function in the present. Twenty or thirty years from now seems like an eternity to someone in their teens. But time has a way of catching up with us and every choice we make when we are young has both good and bad consequences. The trick is to know when those consequences aren’t worth the risk. And the other trick is to pause long enough before taking those risks to weigh both the good and the bad.

If your teen gets anything from this bit of advice, let it be this: take time to think before you act. Weigh the good and the bad consequences. Then once they decide, make the best of their decision and swallow the good with the bad. Every path they take in life has the potential for greatness. Encourage your teen to be wise and think before they act, knowing that their choice could potentially be the wrong one.

 

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________

Straight Talk about Peer Pressure

peer pressure

If your friend jumped off a bridge would you do it? 

This is a classic parental adage. I can’t count how many times my parents uttered that statement to me. My childhood consisted of daily reprehensible acts that I’m sure made my mother cringe in terror. I took every dare or challenge, even if it required any physical risk of life or limb. Oddly enough, I never broke a bone. I have many scares from cuts and scrapes, but never took a trip to any emergency room. Danger was exhilarating to me and I found pleasure in the simple acts of childhood defiance.

It seemed only fair that God would bless me with children who followed in my footsteps. My son was born with the same spirit of defiance. As a child, he was always “jumping off that bridge” and taking others with him. If it was dangerous, he was up for it. One hot summer day I came home from work to find him and some friends skateboarding off the roof into an above ground swimming pool. For months we had been trying to discern the cause of numerous indentations in the pool liner causing leaks. He had been doing this all summer long and crashing his skateboard into the bottom of the pool as he came off the roof. It did not even occur to him that this might be dangerous or risky. One of his friends had suggested they try it and he was more than willing to give it a shot.

My daughter, for most of her life, stood back and watched. She did very little “jumping off of bridges” until her last few years of high school. It was at this point that she decided to literally jump off her first bridge. One summer night, while driving to the beach with friends, they decided to stop on a bridge that crosses over an island with a small channel that passes from the Gulf of Mexico to the intercoastal canal. Apparently it was a common practice among teenagers to do this because there was a sign posted warning against it. That didn’t stop my daughter. She jumped off that bridge that night and continued to take dangerous risks all through her college years.

As parents it is our natural instinct to protect our children from danger. At a young age, we caution them about looking both ways before they cross the street. When they get older, we teach them to ride bicycles and warn them of the dangers of riding at night without reflectors. During their teenage years, our greatest fear is that they will get into the car with a reckless or drunk teen driver. And in college, we’re afraid they will do something to put their lives in jeopardy because they are impaired by alcohol. These peer pressures keep parents up at night and even the most stalwart of heart frightened.

If they don’t want to play with you, then find some other friends

When my kids were younger, I must have said this at least once a week. The simple fact is that kids can be cruel. They don’t care about hurting your kid’s feelings or making them cry. And a group of kids can be even crueler. Sadly, I have found that these same kids grow up to be teens and later adults. Those same kids that tortured you as a child continue to torture people as adults. It doesn’t matter what their groups are called: cliques, “the in-crowd”, fraternities, “junior league”, society, power circle, the “rich and famous”, or even the cool ones. They exclude the ones who are not like them.

What can you do about these “friends” that don’t want to play with you? The real question for me is why do you want to play with them at all? Why would anyone want to be that shallow, opinionated, callous, uncaring and insensitive? Why would anyone want to be accepted into a group that sets its values as money, power, prestige and the right address? You can strive your entire life to be accepted by these people, but when push comes to shove, they will never be friends. They let you play with them when it’s convenient or beneficial for them. They will never sacrifice any of their needs, wants or desires to meet you halfway or even try and see things from your point of view. They will never change. They have been that way since they were children and will continue to set their values and goals as they relate to the group they belong to.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to find some new “friends”. Find some friends that have the same values as you. Find some friends that are kind to those around them. Find some friends that sacrifice and give for others. Find some friends that speak to you in love and compassion, not judgment and condemnation. Quite frankly, this group is much larger than the ones who don’t play fair.

What’s a parent to do?

Unfortunately, you can’t keep your kids in a cocoon and protect them from themselves or their friends. And you can’t spend your whole life worrying about what they are doing with they are not with you. You can teach them basic survival skills and instill in them moral values. You can help them choose friends that don’t “jump off bridges”. You can give them every opportunity to take supervised risks so they will be less likely to take the dangerous kind.

When they come to you and ask to do something because “all their friends are doing it”, be a wise parent and don’t reach for the closest parental adage. Explain to them your reasons for concern and reaffirm your love for them. Make sure they aren’t giving in to peer pressure. Have them give you their reasons for wanting to go on a 5-day unsupervised trip to Mexico. After both sides have stated their cases, it is your responsibility as a parent to make the proper decision. Your kids may balk and scream and say they hate you forever. They may storm out of the room and slam the door when you tell them no. But even though you didn’t say it, you know that just because their friends “jump off bridges”, it doesn’t mean they have to follow.

Note: This is an excerpt from my book: Biscuits Taste Best with Chocolate Sauce (or Because I’m the Mother). Soon to be published in 2014.

For Wendy’s take on Peer Pressure, read her blog as well.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Inside the mind of a college-bound teen

 

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teen brainThe stress of the college admissions season weighs heavy on your college-bound teen. I read an old article today from a NY Times blog and I felt it was worth sharing to help you go inside the mind of a college-bound teen and see just exactly what they are feeling.

Fear

They may seem fearless at times, but as they approach the final months of high school fear sets in. One teen, Phoebe Lett, 16 talks about how she feels as a junior.

“I fear for my rapidly approaching senior year. Should I really spend nine hours a night on school work? As I rack up as many extracurriculars, community service hours and “beneficial relationships” (college-prep speak for impressive recommendations), I can’t help but think that it’s not good enough. Better grades, higher scores, more varsity letters, more leads in the play: have I been bulking up an application that perhaps doesn’t reflect who I am, but instead just represents what a college wants from me? That is my true fear.”

Pressure

The pressure they feel is of paramount proportions. This pressure will be exhibited in all kinds of emotions from tears, to anger, to denial to frustration. Robin Karlin, 17 felt the pressure of failing.

“Around the application deadline you’re studying for finals, and it’s your senior year. You already have a lot of classes and you have to write essays and you’re already stressed out thinking “what if they don’t want me?’’ And you worry what if you don’t get into any school at all? I’m not from a big city. We have pretty good schools, but I think in a bigger city with more people you have more perspective on where you stand in the nation. I’m not really sure how good I am.”

Rejection

If your student hasn’t experienced rejection, get ready. There’s a strong possibility some of the colleges they apply to won’t offer them admission. Sam Werner, 18, felt disappointment when the rejection letters started arriving.

“Everyone I had talked to, once they heard “perfect SAT,” they said, “You can get in anywhere.” That was the hardest part, having everyone tell me I would and then not getting in. It was a rough few days. The rejection letters and my parents both kept telling me it’s not a case of me not being good enough, but a case of too many qualified applicants. But it’s really hard not to feel like you got rejected….”

What is the cost?

At the end of their senior year it will all be over; but at what cost? Doctors treat teens with headaches, stomach pain, lack of sleep, depression, eating disorders and mental health issues. Some have been thinking about college since 6th grade and by the time senior year rolls around they are spent. Some kids are able to handle it, others are not so lucky.

Relieving some of the pressure

College admission is how students define their success. Years down the road, they will see that some of those rejections probably sent them into better directions. But for now, don’t add to the problem. Don’t pressure them to apply to schools that their chance of acceptance is 1%. Remind them that this is simply one step in their life and there are no failures, only successes if you try.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Parent-Teacher Communication

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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parent teacher communicationParent-teacher communication tends to wane after the student enters high school. Parents become less involved and teachers become apathetic because of the lack of parent involvement.

When my daughter was in high school she was struggling with her Physics class. She was an A student, aspiring to college, and panicked about her recent test grades in that course. I called the teacher to set up a conference. She sounded shocked on the phone and I wondered why. When I met with her she said I was the first parent that had ever called her to discuss a student’s progress. She also told me that parents rarely show up for parent/teacher nights in high school.

I explained to her my concern and my daughter’s concern about her low grades because she was working toward a high GPA for college applications. Again, I saw shock in her face. “Few students in this school worry about their GPA or going to college”, she said. I, in turn, was shocked. To make a long story short, she scheduled private tutoring sessions for my daughter and explained the material to her at a level she could understand. The result–an A in Physics.

What can parents learn from this experience?

It’s obvious–communicate with your student’s teachers on a regular basis.

Following are excerpts from articles about the parent-teacher relationship. Read the suggestions carefully and apply the techniques provided on each site the next time you meet with your student’s teacher.

Noodle Education posted an article on the top 5 questions to ask at a parent-teacher conference:

1. How will you assess what my child knows? How does the school use the information garnered from standardized testing? Does it inform their teaching? Assist them in identifying students who may need help?

2. What’s the best way to communicate with teachers and administrators?

3. How can I stay on top of my child’s homework?

4. What’s support is available if my child is struggling academically?

5. When and how does my child get supervision?

More4Kids gives 5 tips for having effective parent and teacher communication:

1. First, it is important to understand that parent and teacher communication is intended to benefit the child’s overall success academically.

2. While the numeric scores will outline a child’s level of achievement on tests and other assignments, it is important to realize that a numeric score is also beneficial in identifying a child’s weaknesses.

3. Many parents make the mistake of sitting back and allowing a teacher to come to them with issues.

4. It is important to sign up as a volunteer in your child’s classroom and ensure that you visit their class often.

5. It is important to understand that parent/teacher conferences may not always be appropriate as far as time is concerned.

PBS Parents talks about the importance of the parent-teacher partnership:

1. Approach this relationship with respect.

2. Let your child develop his own relationship with the teacher.

3. Try not to brag.

4. Remember how you liked (or disliked) your teachers.

Parent-teacher breakdowns

If you neglect the relationship, you are hindering your student academically. An uninvolved parent is the worst type of parent to be. Even more so than the helicopter parent. And uninvolved teacher communicates lack of concern and an inability to connect with parents and students to promote learning.

Step up

If you haven’t talked with your student’s teacher and/or teachers set the date. If you don’t attend parent’s night, change that behavior. If you are the type of parent that won’t accept honest evaluations from the teacher, listen the next time you meet with him/her and ask for suggestions to help.

Parents who value parent-teacher communication are parents of students who have a successful high school experience. Think of it as teaming up with the teacher to help your student excel academically. It’s never too late to get involved.

 Check out Wendy’s blog on the parent-teacher relationship

financial aid, mom approved tips, parenting, Uncategorized

Mom-Approved Tips: Talking to your teens about financing college

 

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financing collegeIf you have a college-bound teen you’re well aware of the cost of college–it’s high. In a recent story in Business Week, one graduate confessed she had given up on her student loan debt of $186,000. She is not alone. With the nation struggling under a $1 trillion student debt crisis, stories like hers are nothing uncommon. For the first time ever, the national student loan default rate exceeds the credit card delinquency rate, and so long as student loans remain one of the few types of debt that can’t be discharged in bankruptcy, chances are the situation won’t improve any time soon. 

As their parent, it’s up to you to make sure they don’t fall prey to debt that they cannot repay after grduation. Before they ever accept an offer of admission, you need to talk to them about financing college. In my Parents Countdown to College Crash Course I call it “the money talk”.

Following are a few tips to help broach that uncomfortable topic with your college-bound teen:

The cold, hard facts

The first thing you need to discuss is finances: what you are willing to pay and what you expect them to contribute toward college expenses even if it’s just acquiring scholarships. Discuss the ramifications of student debt and talk openly about which colleges would fit into the family’s financial picture. Paint the picture clearly and explain to them this is a large investment and needs to be treated as such: you expect them to do their part and you expect them to study and to graduate.

The difference between wants and needs

This discussion is just as important as discussing the cost of the college education. When a student understands the difference between the two they can make financial decisions based of this criteria. Is it something they need or simply something they want? Don’t assume they know the difference. Most teens believe everything they want is a need. If they learn this lesson before going to college and living on their own, it will save them overdraft fees, past due notices and much heartache when they are controlled by their debt.

The college choice

Be realistic. If their dream college is out of reach financially think long and hard before you apply. This may be their first time to make a choice between what they want and what is best financially. It is a tough pill to swallow now, but they will thank you when they graduate with minimal or zero debt. The college they choose not only needs to be a perfect fit for them socially and academically; it also needs to be a perfect fit financially.

The budget

This is the perfect time to talk to your college-bound teen about creating and sticking to a budget. You may have tuition, room and board covered but there are always added expenses. Budgeting for those added expenses means there won’t be any surprises when the bills come due. Need a list of what those extras might be? Check out this article I wrote for Smart College Visit about the extras beyond tuition.

If you can’t sit them down for a time (we know how hard it is to even share a meal together), do it in segments. Just make sure you do it before they start applying to college. If you don’t, it’s going to be an uncomfortable discussion when they get accepted to their dream college and it’s not affordable for you and your student.