Category Archives: parenting

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Coping with the Empty Nest

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empty nest

During our student’s senior year of high school we live in a bubble. All sights are set on one goal—getting into college. Students and parents focus on college selection, college applications, financial aid forms, and then we wait. We wait for the offers of admission to come pouring in and then we compare financial aid packages and help them pack their bags for college.

But wait. Is it really that simple? Hardly. Most parents would say it’s anything but simple; it takes work, commitment and perseverance on both parts—parents and students.

Now that your student has graduated, the reality of the truth hits you—your son or daughter is leaving for college. Are they ready? How will they ever survive on their own? How will you survive and cope with the void that’s there when they are gone? Will they be safe? So many questions and concerns are rolling around in your head.

From one parent to another, survival depends on knowing what to expect, what to look for, and how to respond to your student. Here are 5 tips that should help cope with the empty nest:

1. Give yourself time to grieve (then move on)

It probably seems like yesterday that you were bringing your baby boy or girl home from the hospital and now they are preparing to go away for college. Although you always knew that this day would come and you are so proud of their accomplishments thus far, if you are really honest with yourself, there is a part of you that is also dreading it.

For this reason, there’s a pretty good chance that you will experience some separation anxiety, not unlike grief, when your child leaves the nest–often called “empty nest” syndrome. It’s normal for most parents and so while it’s nothing to panic over (or feel embarrassed about), you should give yourself some time to grieve and then move on with your life.

2. Don’t give in to fear

Boy how things have changed since we went to school in the 70’s and 80’s. They’ve even changed since my kids went in the 90’s and 2000’s. It’s a scary world out there and you would be crazy not to be anxious when your kids leave your care every day. But don’t let them see it; they need to feel safe and secure at school. Even though we know they are at risk, we have to trust that the teachers, staff, and administration will do their utmost to assure their safety.

3. Stay in touch (in moderation)

Before your son or daughter leaves for college make plans to stay in touch. Schedule time to communicate and discuss how often you need to hear from them. Don’t be that parent who tapped into campus security cameras so he could follow his daughter’s every move. Give your child some freedom to socialize, study and explore their surroundings. A text every day, a phone call every week, and face time once a month should be enough to help both of you feel connected.

4. Practice tough love

Don’t rescue them from every difficult situation. You know the term–helicopter parenting. It’s important for them to make messes, get hurt, feel disappointment, and even fail at tasks. This helps them develop life skills, achieve happiness, and be successful–the things we so desperately want to give them. Isn’t that what tough love is all about? Love your children so much you set rules, provide clear expectations, and allow them to fail so they can learn.

5. Watch the money

Money will burn a hole in your kid’s pocket. Before they leave for college have a clear understanding of what you plan to contribute toward living expenses and what you expect him to contribute. Explain the difference between wants and needs. Today’s kids are accustomed to instant gratification; but saving for something teaches them that just because they want something, it doesn’t mean they need it. When they are away at college, this will be the first question they ask themselves before pulling out an easily obtained credit card.

parenting, websites

5 Simple Rules for College Parents: A Mini-Course

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Today’s college parents are NOW first responders BUT most parents don’t know how to respond!  Harlan Cohen, New York Times bestselling author of The Naked Roommate and The Naked Roommate For Parents Only is an expert at coaching students and parents about the unexpected and often uncomfortable aspects of college life.

I first came in contact with Harlan when he asked me to review his books and fell in love with the information they provided. I’ve recommended the books to parents and students alike because I feel they offer some of the best and most practical advice about college life.

In response to an overwhelming demand for extra help from parents, Harlan created a free mini-course to help parents prepare for the first year in college: 5 Simple Rules For College Parents. The course alleviates stress and helps parents guide their children through this wildly emotional time of transition. All 5 simple rules last about 10 minutes each, or you can watch the entire mini-course for a little over 45 minutes. Harlan’s down to earth way of getting down to the basics of emotions and offering easy to apply tactics makes this mini-course an excellent resource for parents with college-bound teens.

Watch this simple video for an explanation of the course, then follow the link below to signup. Once you sign up you get a password to access the videos; and it’s absolutely FREE!

 

Sign up for this free mini-course here: 5 Simple Rules for College Parents

 

book reviews, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Supporting Your College Freshman

 

college freshmanWhether you have a high school graduate heading to college in the fall, or you are working toward that eventual inevitability in the future, you need information about college life and how to support your new college freshman.

University Parent, as it has done in the past, recognized the need that parents have when their student’s head off to college. Knowing how frustrating it can be for parents with questions, concerns and generally uneasiness, they brought experts together to create the University Parent Guide to Supporting your Student’s Freshman Year. You could also call it the “everything you need to know but didn’t know where to ask” guide for parents.

Why create this guide?

Sarah Schupp, University Parent’s Founder and CEO, wanted to sort through issues of parenting college students and created this helpful go-to guide to make parenting afar easier. According to Ms. Schupp, “Studies consistently show that students with engaged parents have far better college outcomes than those that don’t or than those with overly-involved parents. There is a delicate balance between acting as a coach and acting in place of the student.”

Realizing that most parents questions are universal, University Parent published this guide to help parents best support their son or daughter.

What’s in the guide?

The guide is divided into time segments throughout your student’s first year of college: summer, early fall, late fall, and spring. Each division provides parents with all the information they need help their student through each segment of the first year of college.

The summer segment (Get Ready), deals with topics related to the changes you will face as your role changes, what to expect at orientation, roommates, budgeting, and campus culture. The fall segment (Settling In), discusses topics like move-in day, greek life, parent visits, and how to deal with struggling students. The late fall segment (Adjusting), deals with care packages, holidays, diet and exercise, and studying abroad. The spring segment (Looking Forward), talks about sophomore topics like housing, student stress, transferring and student loans. The final chapter gives you areas to write down phone numbers, important dates and a typical 4-year checklist.

Why do I recommend this guide?

I can’t tell you the number of parents who have asked me questions about the first year of college, especially dealing with these specific topics. If you know what to expect and how to plan, the first year will go much more smoothly. This guide gives parents all the information they need in one simple, easy-to-read guide.

Even if your student isn’t going to college in the fall, this guide will help you prepare for that day. As always, I advise parents to be prepared; because preparation prevents panic.

college prep, parenting, websites

A Toolkit for Parents of the College-Bound

 

parent toolkitWhen your kids are born, it’s only natural for parents to dream about their future. If you’re honest, college is always part of the dream. But how soon do you start to plan and what do you need to know to be ready for high school graduation and college?

The Toolkit for Parents

As part of the broader Education Nation initiative, NBC News recently unveiled an easily accessible Parent Toolkit to help parents participate in their children’s academic success and personal growth.  The bilingual Parent Toolkit is a one-stop-shop for parents as a website and mobile app, and includes:

  • Grade-by-grade academic benchmarks for Math and English Language Arts with actionable tips to support learning outside the classroom
  • Guides to parent-teacher conferences and school counselor meetings
  • A Health & Wellness section, featuring guidance for nutrition, physical development and sleep
  • Tips for parents to promote healthy eating, exercise, and adequate sleep for their growing children and a check list to prepare for upcoming doctor visits
  • A newsfeed with parents and education focused stories, as well as a blog featuring original posts from Parent Toolkit experts and parents

The goals of this Toolkit are to establish for parents a clear understanding of what is expected of their children at each step in their academic journey and to provide a comprehensive set of tips and tools to help parents engage in and monitor their children’s overall development. NBC News enlisted a number of experts, from academics to classroom teachers to parents from across the country, to help review all the content.

The site, sponsored by Pearson, is available in both English and Spanish.

What I like about the site

The great advantage to this site is that it spans all age and grade levels. For parents who are planning toward the future with their grade school kids there’s a blueprint to follow. It allows you to track academic and personal growth and development by selecting your child’s grade level. This makes it easy to plan and stay on track for college.

Visit the site at www.ParentToolkit.com.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Things a College-Bound Teen Should NOT Do This Summer

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summer to do listIt’s a well-known fact that admissions officers are concerned with how a student spends their spare time. Come application time, how your student spends the summer can either pump up your application or find them embarrassed to list those summer activities. Here are five things a college-bound teen should NOT do this summer:

1. Become an expert at Minecraft — spend the summer glued to the gaming console, stuffing your face with chips, cookies, and various snack foods while mastering the game.

2. Watch the all the seasons of Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, or Mad Men — spend the summer binge watching any number of shows you missed during the school year, failing to leave the couch or the house for all three months.

3. Cram 20 extracurricular activities into one summer — sign up for everything that’s available from Habitat for Humanity, to Special Olympics, to volunteering at the soup kitchen; racking up enough activities to make the high school resume a volume.

4. Lay out at the beach and/or the pool working on your (skin cancer) tan — spend every waking moment outside lounging in the sun, listening to tunes on your iPod, and flirting with the opposite sex; impressing admissions officers with your ability to navigate the complicated social structure of high school.

5. Live at the gym working on your physique — spend hours, days, weeks, and months at the gym crafting an Arnold Schwarzeneger look, pounding down vitamin shakes and muscle building supplements.

All kidding aside, summer is meant to be fun, relaxing and a break from the rigors of the school year. But a summer that doesn’t include learning and some college prep is an opportunity wasted.

Read Wendy’s post: The Surprise on a College-Bound Summer To-Do List

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Tonight’s #CampusChat at 9PM ET addresses the summer to-do-list and how it affects the college application process. Join me (@suzanneshaffer) and @collegevisit as we host our monthly #WednesdaysParent with guest Ashley Hill of College Prep Ready, a consulting service for college-bound teens and their families (@prepforcollege).

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Navigating College Roadblocks

roadblockParenting isn’t for cowards. Every day brings new challenges and new drama, especially if you’re living with a college bound teen. Navigating college roadblocks can be tricky at best, but as with any difficulties, anticipating the possibilities can help you face them with confidence.

Your college-bound teen tells you that she simply MUST go to Private College A, even though she knows it comes with a high price tag.

Don’t let her bully you into sending her to a college you can’t afford AND one that will require a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Sit her down and explain to her the dangers of graduating in debt. Use the college repayment calculators if you have to. If she truly wants to go to Private College A, she needs to do the work (good grades, good SAT/ACT scores, great essay) to be awarded scholarship/grant money from that college. If not, there are always other options and choices.

Your college-bound teen is not interested in college or any other path that leads him toward higher education.

If there is one thing I learned with both of my kids (and clients), if they aren’t invested in the college process they won’t be invested in college. Save yourself some time, money and heartache and wait until they are. If not, they can learn from the college of hard knocks–minimum wage jobs are the BEST motivator!

Your college-bound teen misses deadlines, panics and comes running to you at the last minute to fix it.

The simplest way I know to avoid missing deadlines, is to get yourself a huge wall calendar and a fat red marker. Put it in a place that they have to pass by every single day. In addition, with all the smartphones and calendar apps available today, missing a deadline should be a thing of the past. At some point (hopefully when they go to college), they will have to fix their own problems. Let them do it now, while they live at home, and it will be easier for them once they are gone. Rescuing your kids all time only makes them into dependent adults and colleges aren’t impressed with those type of students or the parents that come with them.

Your college-bound teen suddenly announces she is not ready for college and wants to take a year off.

First of all, wait. Don’t react. Just listen. Odds are the mood will change with the wind and once all her friends are making college plans, that desire that she once had will kick back in. If not, let her know that it won’t be a “free-ride” year. She will be expected to work and save the money she makes for college.

Your college-bound teen refuses to get out of the car on a campus visit

Before you even get out 0f the car your kid announces that he’s just not feeling it. Don’t even attempt to decipher what that means because it’s impossible to understand. You’ve driven (or flown) to go to a college he had on a list and now he’s just not feeling it. Bench your anger, take a deep breath and get out of the car. You’ve come all this way and you’re going to visit the college. In the best of worlds he will get out with you. In the worst of worlds he’ll stay in the car. There’s not much you can do with an obstinate teenager; it’s best to move on.

Your college-bound teen refuses to get organized

Procrastination—a teenager’s favorite technique for avoidance. If procrastination is their favorite technique, then tomorrow is their favorite word. Parents detest hearing that word from their kids, especially when it comes to the application process. What’s a parent to do? You can leave them to their own devises or you can be smart and find ways to help them stay organized. Beat them at their own game: text and email them reminders. If you’re sneaky, you can even add them to the calendar alerts on their smartphone or laptop. Hey, whatever works.

parenting

Saying Goodbye to Your College-Bound Teen

 

saying goodbyeI know I’m a bit premature, but the time will creep up on you before you know it. While you’re busy preparing for that fateful day, the reality is you will soon be saying goodbye. Use the next few months to plan and prepare. Being prepared and making the summer special will help you cope when you leave college on move-in day, shut the door, and realize your little baby is now considered an adult.

Go with them on dorm shopping trips

It goes without saying that your college-bound teen is going to need dorm furnishings and supplies.There are numerous sites that provide parents and students with dorm essential lists, Check out the resources provided by Bed, Bath and Beyond for a campus checklist. This shopping trip can be fun and exciting for both parents and students—make a day of it!

Make the last few days (and weeks) special

Schedule some “date nights” with your college-bound teen. Do some things they love and make the time special. Schedule some family nights and if possible, a family vacation. These days and weeks will help your student cope with homesickness later during the year, and you cope with empty nest syndrome when they are gone.

Have a goodbye party

Nothing says goodbye like a party. Make it memorable by inviting their friends, splurging on some great barbecue, and even providing a cake. Decorate the space or backyard by creating banners with their new college logo and goodbye banners wishing them well.

Talk about expectations on move-in day

Don’t hang around when you’re not wanted. If your student wants you to help them move-in, help and then leave. Some parents take their student to dinner after move-in and then say goodbye. Don’t embarrass them and let go when it’s time.

Saying goodbye is never easy; but if you prepare in advance for the eventuality and make the most of the time, waving goodbye on move-in day will be easier.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Motivating an Unmotivated Student

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motivating an unmotivated studentI’m well acquainted with this necessary parenting technique: I had an unmotivated student. It’s not that he wasn’t capable of achieving academic success; it was just that he didn’t have the motivation or the desire to do his best. He never soared in high school, or in the first semester of college, but he did reach his academic potential, finally.

It was hard having a child who didn’t grasp his full potential, no matter how much I told him he was capable of straight A’s. It just didn’t matter to him. Passing with average grades was good enough for him. Those grades, however, contributed to some difficult life choices and some hard lessons along the way. In the end, there were four factors that finally motivated him academically:

1. Good old-fashioned competition

My son chose the Marines over attending college; partly because of his grades and partly because the regiment and rules of the military appealed to him. My daughter worked hard in high school and attended college on several scholarships. My son watched her work hard and study and attended her college graduation with us. He had always felt she was smarter than him and that’s why she excelled. But the fact that she had that degree and he didn’t, made him think long and hard about what he wanted after his 4-year stint in the Marines.

2. Economic realities

After getting out of the Marines and immediately starting college, he crashed and burned. He wasn’t ready for the rigors of studying again and he failed miserably his first semester. After that he chose to go to work; and that meant he would be taking a minimum wage job until he found something better. That something better never came and he realized that in order to compete in the workforce, he needed that college degree.

3. The desire to prove something (mostly to himself)

Often, the key to motivating teens is to prove to them  it’s possible to achieve a particular goal. He had much to prove: he had to start over at a community college, make good grades so he could transfer to a 4-year college, and stay with it until he finished. This one factor is probably what kept him motivated to graduate; and not just graduate, but graduate with summa cum laude with honors.

4. The promise of a positive outcome

My son knew that a college degree would affect his ability to gain employment in a market when most applicants were college graduates. He also knew that his academic achievements would be a plus on his resume and during job interviews.

The basic point here is that motivating an unmotivated student isn’t an easy task. Unfortunately for my son, I realized too late what would motivate him. The self-motivators, like my daughter, are never a problem. It’s the ones who aren’t motivated no matter what you try. If I had only known these four factors with my son, he might have been accepted at one of the military academies. Hopefully, my lessons learned might help other parents who struggle with unmotivated students.

Read Wendy’s post: Using irony and a proverb as self motivation for your teen

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety.Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

 

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: 10 Tips to Ease Into College

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Moving from high school to college can be daunting. It’s your first step toward independence and adult responsibility. You transition from someone dictating your every move (parents) to the freedom of making every decision. Don’t expect, however, to ease right into college life without an adjustment period. College life will be much easier if you expect some bumps in the road and some course adjustments along the way.

10 tips to ease into college
Illustration from Zinch’s blog: More Than a Test Score

A recent report on college dropout rates presented some shocking statistics – 46% of those who enter college fail to graduate within six years. What you do your first year of college can impact not only your college years but your future. This makes the beginning weeks and months on campus critical for all new students.

Here are 10 tips to ease into college and help with the transition:

1). Don’t skip orientation.

Orientation helps you become familiar with the campus, its opportunities and on-campus organizations. During orientation you will meet your advisors, plan your schedule and do some group activities with other incoming freshmen. Skipping orientation is like skipping the first day of work. Orientation helps you ease into life on campus.

2). Make a friend.

Your college experience will be enhanced by the friendships you make. The first few months are the easiest time to make new friends. You can start with your roommate, your dorm mates, and your classmates. College is not the place to foster your inner shyness; it’s your opportunity to branch out, meet new people and make new relationships.

3). Get organized.

Since your parents won’t be there reminding you to study for your test, do your homework and go to class, you need to get organized. Keep a calendar, set alarms, make to-do lists, schedule study time, and keep track of all your term paper deadlines. Organization will give you peace of mind and alleviate those last minute panic attacks before a test or term paper due date.

4). Make academics a priority.

Even if you were an excellent high school student, this is college. Academics will be more challenging. Without constant parent nudging, it’s tempting to let the studying slide and skip class. If you begin to struggle or feel overwhelmed, get help. Speak with your professors. Take advantage of on-campus tutoring services. Don’t ignore the problem; act before your grades start a downward spiral.

5). Call home.

Every new college student gets homesick. Make time to call your family. They know you better than anyone else and will remind you that you always have their support. Set aside a time each week to talk with your family. It will curtail the homesickness and ease your parents’ inevitable tendency to worry.

Read more for the next 5 tips

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Oh the conversations you should have (before prom)

 

promA play on words from Dr. Seuss’ “Oh the Places You’ll Go”; oh the conversations you should have before prom. Apart from the tears, the photos, the worrying and the knowledge that your little baby is all grown up, prom should be an opportunity for you to offer some straight talk about the BIG 3: Sex, Drugs and Drinking. Why? Because at every prom there are students who cross the line and participate in some risky behavior they think demonstrates adulthood.

Sex

Is dating gone? What about courtship? According to a recent NY Times article and most high school and college students it’s a dinosaur. They have random “hook ups” with people they meet–which can include anything from making out to oral sex to intercourse. Parents need to know and understand this new culture in order to prepare their students for college. As I’ve said before, preparation is much more than academics.

Read my post:  The Hooking Up Culture

Drugs

If you or your child has been in the public school system in the last 30 years you’re familiar with the phrase–just say no. From first grade on, those words have been pounded into the heads of kids giving them an answer to anyone who offers them drugs or any other form of abuse. It’s not the answer sometimes that’s important, as much as the attitude behind the response.

Research shows that kids who have a good relationship with their parents are less likely to pursue a life of abuse. The drug awareness programs give parents some guidelines they say will help. They instruct parents to do several things and lead us to believe that if we follow those rules, our kids are less likely to succumb to peer pressure.

Their suggestions have merit. But the bottom line is that most kids, no matter how strong they appear or how great their relationship is with their parents, are going to find themselves in a situation where just saying “no” is not enough. Just saying “no” will be met with teasing, pressure, and even ridicule. It’s your job as a parent to prepare them for that moment.

Read my post: When Just Say “NO” is not enough

Drinking

Your teens are graduating from high school and heading to college. There are 17 million college students that drink alcohol, and 8.5 million of them are binge drinking. We’ve heard the terms “poor” or “struggling” college student before, but it’s no wonder they are living off of Ramen Noodles when there was a reported $163 billion spent on alcohol in America in 2011. It’s not all fun and games when young people are consuming 2 gallons per person of alcohol. There are negative consequences of this behavior that includes assault, rape, injury and even death.

Take a look at these two info graphics that will underscore the importance of this conversation:

How Much Do College Students Drink

The Truth About College Binge Drinking

These are brutal conversations to have with your teen but it may be the last time you can exert some parental influence before they leave for college in the fall. A good friend of mine, Paul Hemphill, a college admissions counselor, says, “every school is a party school.” A difficult fact to face but a reality. Have the conversations now—and if you’re lucky some of it will sink in.

For more prom tips, read Wendy’s post: Surviving Your Teen’s Prom

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety.                                                                                                                                                                           Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.