Category Archives: parenting

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Graduation Anxiety

 

graduationMay means graduation. You may be thinking about gifts for graduates. But there is so much more to think about. Your student will be graduating—but you are too. You’re graduating from years of college prep. For most parents it starts early—thinking and planning for their college education. When they are born, you think you have all the time in the world. This month, that time has flown by and you can’t believe they will be leaving soon for college. And the anxiety over losing your baby begins.

Have you done enough to prepare them for adulthood?

We all ask that question. And even when they are grown, it’s going to whirl through our minds from time to time. Parenthood has its challenges and throughout the 18 years or more that they are with us, we’re bound to struggle and wonder if we did everything we could do to teach them independence, consequences, and moral values. You may not feel like you did, but kids are like sponges. They soak up everything they see. They hear everything they say. And they will use it when you least expect it.

What will you do with yourself?

After years of shuffling them to school, sports, working on homework, and most recently spending every waking moment on college prep, what will you do with all this free time? If this is your only child, you’re going to feel lost. If it’s not, the other kids will absorb your time—don’t ask me how but it happens. If this is your last one and you’re facing an empty nest, be prepared to grieve. It’s going to happen; embrace it. Then, as with all grief, it will pass and it’s time for you to readjust your priorities. It’s time to ask yourself this question: What do “I” want? For 18 years or more it’s been all about them; now it’s time for it to be all about you!

How will they survive without you?

How will they remember to do their homework, wash their hands, clean their rooms, and get up in time for class? What will they eat and when will they eat? Will they get enough rest and concentrate on their health? Will they make friends easily? Will they succumb to peer pressure?

You’ve been their lifejacket for the last 18 years. It’s time for them to swim, and possibly sink, on their own. Trust that you have taught them well and if they do start to struggle or fail, they will work it out as all adults must do. It’s scary standing on the sidelines but it’s time to remind yourself that they will be fine without you.

Isn’t that our goal from the day they are born? We just didn’t think it would come so soon. Wipe the tears, celebrate their achievement, and look ahead to the future. It’s going to be an exciting era—for both you and your kids.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Mother’s Day, Smother Day

 

mother's daySunday is Mother’s Day and it’s time for those of us who have sacrificed, loved, cared for and smothered our kids to be honored. Yes. I said smothered. Some mothers have mastered this technique so well that their kids don’t have a clue how to deal with failure, disappointment, and pain.

Do you relate to this type of mother? My daughter does. She says it’s going to be her—right down to making sure her kids are the center of her universe and vice versa. We laugh about it, but her boys might not think it’s so funny.

So in an effort to help all those teens (and mothers) from celebrating another smother day, I’ve compiled my list of tell-tale smothering signs.

You might be a smotherer if . . .

  • You incessantly text your teen during school to ask about __________ (you fill in the blank).
  • You go on the college visit with them and ask questions about campus security on the walking tour.
  • You send ________ (fill in the blank) to admissions officers to butter them up; and call to ask if they received them.
  • You show up at school unannounced with __________________ (fill in the blank), embarrassing them in front of their peers.
  • You call the coach because your teen didn’t make the team.
  • You spend the night in his dorm room for the first week of school.
  • You move close to campus so that you can be available.
  • You drive hundreds of miles to college to deliver _________________ (fill in the blank) because she called and said she “had to have it”.
  • You fill out their college application for them (because they can’t possibly do it on their own).
  • You call the mother of the son who broke up with your daughter to ask why he did it.

Are these extreme? For some, yes. But all of these are true stories, based on talking with parents and admissions counselors. Is it hard to believe? Probably not in today’s world of over parenting. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios it might be time to join our support group of smotherers: Hi, my name is Suzanne, and I’m a smotherer!

Happy Mother’s (Smother) Day!

Read Wendy’s post: Embracing your almost adult children on Mother’s Day

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

financial aid, mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: What Are Your Priorities?

 

prioritiesEvery day parents complain about the high cost of college and the fact that even though they have saved, it’s not going to be enough to cover present day costs. When the kids enter high school, most parents begin to panic. The time has slipped away from them and they are faced with some difficult decisions. The thought of disappointing their kids seems unfathomable and the thought of telling their family and friends that they can’t afford to send their kids to college is even worse.

Consequently, we exhibit behavior that has devastating consequences for us and for our kids:

  • We make unwise decisions related to student loans
  • We neglect to tell our kids “no” when a college is beyond our ability to pay
  • We don’t include our kids in the financial aspects of the decision in the beginning

I read a post by Lynn O’Shaughnessy on The College Solution blog entitled “We are Done Paying for College”— it made me stop and think: what are our priorities as parents? Lynn and her husband began planning when their kids were little. They scrimped and saved and prepared for the day when they would go to college. It required sacrifice and commitment. But they did it and can say that their kids graduated without any student loan debt. You owe it to yourself to read her post, even if your kids are already in high school. It’s a definite wakeup call for all parents of college-bound teens.

Step back and evaluate

What are your priorities? Is college important enough for you to make some sacrifices? This means financial sacrifices and sacrifices of your time.

Make a plan and stick to it

If paying for college means driving an older model car for a few years, do it. If you need to supplement your education savings by taking on a second job and insisting your kids work during high school, make it work. If your family has to forgo some vacations, a new home, or a eating out often, it’s worth the sacrifice. But whatever you decide, make a plan and stick to it.

Be creative and think outside the box

There are so many creative ways to attain a college degree. Your kid isn’t bound to the typical four-year University or attending four consecutive years in a row. It’s also not necessarily essential that they attend college right out of high school. Do whatever it takes to attain the degree without debt and causing the family financial hardship.

It doesn’t matter where you are in the college prep process. You should evaluate your priorities and ask yourself some tough questions. It may sting in the beginning but once you’ve examined your options, you’ll sleep easier and so will your kids.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: It’s Party Time Again

 

party timeIt’s party time again—your teenagers are getting glammed up for proms and parties. But before they head out the door, there are some topics you should discuss with them. Here are three of my past posts discussing how to talk with your teens about partying that goes too far.

Drinking

It’s party season again and unfortunately that means underage drinking and possibly driving. Before your teen leaves for college, have a chat with him/her about the dangers of alcohol. I know you’re thinking: they won’t listen to me. But kids will tell you that they actually listen more than we think.

Watch this video for the truth about drinking

Hooking Up

What is hooking up? The term “hook up” is vague, but is usually defined as a no-commitment, physical encounter with a stranger or acquaintance. Hooking up can range from just a casual get-together to a make out session to sexual intercourse. Knowing this makes it difficult to discern just what it means when your college student tells you they “hooked up” with so and so.

Read More

Drinking and Driving

Do you remember when you were a teenager? Likely you can recall bits and pieces, but as you have grown older, wiser, and more experienced, you may have forgotten the particular blend of hormones, peer pressure, and self-discovery that leads teens to experience a sense of both invincibility and the immediacy of everything going on in their lives. You no doubt shake your head, exasperated, when your teens decry your overly careful attitude, but the truth is that you are at very different places in life. Your teens have yet to know the heartache and hurt that has caused you to become so cautious. But you have been where they are, and if you try to recall how you thought and felt at their age you should be able to come up with ways to connect to your college-bound kids on a level they can relate to.

Read More

Read Wendy’s post: Partying and your college bound teen

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: With Freedom Comes Responsibility

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responsibilitySince I was a child, my parents have reminded me that freedom has a price. To secure our freedom, many men and women have lost their lives–a possibility for any serviceman when they enlist. But do your teens understand the concept? Have you taught them when granted freedom, they are responsible for following the rules and behaving appropriately. With the freedom to choose, comes the responsibility for your choices and your actions.

Bad scenarios

One of the first things we learn growing up is that all of our actions have consequences. If we pull a glass of water off the table, it will spill all over us. If we touch a hot burner on the stove, it will burn. If we pick up a knife on the blade, it will cut us.

Unfortunately, many teenagers don’t carry that knowledge into adulthood as they begin to make choices that are life changing and life altering. They become consumed with their newfound freedom. They don’t rationalize that sleeping with someone they just met in a bar can have consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, pregnancy, rape and even at the very worst murder. They don’t think that cheating on a test in school, even if they don’t get caught, robs them of an education and learning. They don’t comprehend that having 20 credit cards that are maxed out will put them so deep into debt that for some the only solution is suicide. And they don’t think that marrying the wrong guy could put them at the bottom of San Francisco bay like it did Laci Peterson.

Functioning in the present

When you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you, you tend to function in the present. Twenty or thirty years from now seems like an eternity to someone in their teens and twenties. But time has a way of catching up with us and every choice we make when we are young has both good and bad consequences. The trick is to know when those consequences aren’t worth the risk. And the other trick is to pause long enough before taking those risks to weigh both the good and the bad.

A free choice with negative consequences

During my son’s senior year of high school, he wanted to join the military. As his parents, and with an underage teenager, we met with the recruiters prior to him signing up. They assured us that he could attend college while serving in the Corps, that he could be assigned to his choice of duty stations, and that he could pick his specialty because of his high test scores on the entrance exam. However, we were skeptical about the promises they were making. But once he turned 18, he would be free to make the choice, so we gave our permission.

Upon arrival at boot camp after high school graduation, he quickly discovered that all the promises were just ploys to get him to sign on the dotted line. Needless to say, he learned a very difficult lesson: every decision has consequences. He served his time in the military, traveled, and made some great friends. But his dream to be a lifetime soldier was affected by his distaste for the unfair treatment he received in the Marine Corps. His decision altered his future goals and sent him on a very different path than he had originally planned.

Lessons learned

If you get anything from this bit of advice, let it be this: teach your teenagers to take time to think before they act. Weigh the good and the bad consequences. Then once they decide, make the best of their decision and swallow the good with the bad. Every path they will take in their life has the potential for greatness. Help them see before they head off to college that freedom brings responsibility –responsibility for their actions and the consequences of those actions.

Read Wendy’s post: Passing the Responsibility Torch

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Suzanne and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Obey the Rules

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Suzanne and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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obey the rulesIt’s the never ending battle that ensues during those teenage years: who’s in charge? Teens feel that since they are growing toward independence, they should be in charge. Parents, knowing that the teens aren’t quite adults and fearing the fact that they will eventually leave, clamp down on the rules, and rightly so. To a teenager however, rules are made to be broken. Unfortunately, the rules of college prep will have negative consequences if they are not obeyed.

Here are just a few rules that your teen may be tempted to break during the college prep process that could hurt their college chances:

Study before play

Believe it or not, the most important bargaining tool your student has is his grades. It’s not the SAT’s or the extracurriculars. It’s his grades and the courses he takes during high school. Colleges look first and foremost at the grades and the quality of the courses he took. Allowing him to break this rule could have negative affect on his college application. Enforce this rule before all other: study before play.

Money matters

As the college prep process proceeds to senior year, your student will react like a kid in a candy store. Because of their peers, they will be looking at the most expensive colleges, with the prestigious names and the most infamous reputations. For most, those price tags don’t fit into the family college budget. And if your teen isn’t the best of the best, don’t expect merit aid or scholarships from those colleges. In this case, money matters and you should communicate this to your teen before he takes the college to the cash register.

Behave yourself

Colleges pay attention to behavior. They are looking for respectful students who have leadership qualities and take academics seriously. What they aren’t looking for is a student who shoots his mouth off on Twitter, posts pictures of his naked body on Instagram, and complains about parents and school on Facebook. One of the easiest ways students can impress college admission officers is to behave themselves.

Respect deadlines

Deadlines are like lines in the sand. Once drawn, you can’t cross them. Missing those deadlines will have harsh consequences. There’s no room for procrastination in the college prep process. Colleges expect your student to respect their deadlines. No respect means no admission.

Work hard

There’s no room for a slacker in the college prep process. Only those students who work hard are going to reap the benefits. Hard work always pays off when it comes to the rewards of college admissions. Hard work results in the best offers of admission and the best financial aid packages, not to mention the satisfaction of knowing that the work paid off.

This is the time for parents to remind their student that obeying the rules protects him from negative consequences and ensures positive outcomes. The simple rule we started when they were toddlers, pays off during college prep. Obey the rules!

Read Wendy’s blog: Rules to Follow and Rules to Break

parenting

The Teenage Drinking Culture

 

It’s party season again and unfortunately that means underage teenage drinking and possibly driving. Before your teen leaves for college, have a chat with him/her about the dangers of alcohol. I know you’re thinking: they won’t listen to me. But kids will tell you that they actually listen more than we think. And after you have the conversation, show them this video!

Video Graphic by 12 Keys Rehab

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Practice Tough Love

 

tough loveParenting is easy if you give into your child’s every whim, never be consistent with discipline, or simply don’t pay attention. Parenting children who strive for excellence in everything requires some tough love. And tough love is not easy; especially when it comes to the raising a motivated, educated, and successful student.

How do you, as a parent, raise a child that’s motivated to strive for excellence where their education is concerned?

Practice tough love by doing the following:

Set guidelines and rules and stick to them

When they are young, set rules about homework and study time. If they are older, it’s not too late to get started. Insist that homework is a priority before any after school activities. Limit technology because it can be a distraction.

Be prepared, however, there is going to be dissent; but don’t cave. Don’t give in to their whining and complaining. Years down the road with they graduate with honors, attend college, and secure a career, they will thank you for practicing tough love.

Praise achievement (not mediocrity)

Society is so afraid of hurt feelings, they have made it impossible to praise achievement. Awards are given for participation, and not excellence. When this practice becomes common, your children expect to be rewarded and praised for mediocrity. They learn to expect praise for tasks that should be common practice. Set expectations and when they are exceeded, praise them.

Teach them to take responsibility for their own actions

Teens love to play the blame game. You know the drill: it’s always someone else’s fault for bad behavior. Someone either coaxed them, coerced them, or talked them into doing something. It’s never their fault. It’s always the other persons: the teacher, the principal, another student. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions is one character trait that will follow them through high school and into college.

Step back and let them fail

Don’t rescue them from every difficult situation. You know the term–helicopter parenting. It’s important for them to make messes, get hurt, feel disappointment, and fail at tasks.This helps them develop life skills, achieve happiness, and be successful–the things we so desperately want to give them.

One parent summed it up well:

The reality is, we can’t “give” our children happiness and success anyway. It has to be earned. And earning things of such high value means our children will have to pay a price. We can either “love” our children into big grown up babies, still living at home at age 30 expecting mommy to swoop in and solve all their problems, or we can love them into a life of competent self-confidence by letting them experience pain, failure, disappointment, self-denial, and good old fashioned hard work.

Isn’t that what tough love is all about? Love your children so much you set rules, provide clear expectations, and allow them to fail so they can learn.

parenting, social networks

Using Twitter Chats for College Prep

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

twitter chatsTwitter chats offer a goldmine of information for parents. Any question you need answered or advice you need to hear related to college prep and higher education can be answered in a Twitter chat. College admissions officers, financial aid officers, college counselors, parents, parent advocates and college experts congregate in Twitter chats.

For those of you who are novices to Twitter chats and hashtracking, I’m going to answer your basic questions and offer some guidance. If you have additional questions, feel free to leave a comment and I will respond.

What’s a Twitter Chat?

A Twitter chat is a group of like-minded people gathering on a specific time to chat on Twitter. It’s just like a chat room, without the room. Tweets to one another are recognized by using a hashtag (#beforethename) that indicates you are participating in the chat. Others will be able to easily see your tweets by using the specific hashtag.

Most Twitter chats have moderators and guests that answer basic questions. You are encouraged to participate by asking your own questions and offering any advice you might have on the topic.

How do I participate?

Simply use the hashtag (#twitterchat) and read those who use the same tag. You can tweet to them, retweet their tweets and participate in the conversation.

What tools do I need to participate?

You can use any Twitter program to follow the tweets. Some suggestions are Hootsuite, TweetChat, and TweetDeck. All you need to do is do a search for the specific hashtag and follow the thread.

Can you recommend some chats that would be helpful?

Following is a list of chats that will help college-bound parents navigate the college prep process:

  • #CampusChat 9PM ET weekly on Wednesdays
  • #CollegeChat 9PM ET weekly on Tuesdays
  • #CollegeCash 8PM ET weekly on Thursdays
  • #EdChat 7PM ET on Tuesdays

If you have any others you would recommend, please add them in a comment.

 

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Spring Fever and Your Teen

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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spring feverFor some of us (especially those of us in the South), spring has peeked it’s head out for a few days and spring fever has arrived. You know the feeling—restlessness creeps in, a desire to play instead of work, and a lack of motivation. If you have a teen, they struggle to get back into the swing of things, especially after their break.

Why do these feelings crop up, especially during a time of year when the dreariness of winter is lifting and the promise of warmer weather and sunshine should bring a positive attitude? There may be many causes:

  • It’s prom season. Need I say more?
  • Seniors are feeling the stress of college decisions and being on their own.
  • It’s also a time when parents may verbalize their own fears about the future, such as, “Do you know how much college costs?” making it a concern for the entire family.
  • Some parents don’t ask their kids if they even want to go to college, causing kids to feel pressured and panicked about the future.
  • Spring means midterms. Midterms bring pressure, especially with seniors who worry about graduating if they fail.
  • Parents are also tense wondering what kids will do to stay busy in the summer. Working parents wonder how they’ll keep the children from getting into trouble.
  • Parents of seniors begin to realize that the inevitable will happen: they will eventually have an empty nest and it’s a frightening feeling.

This is a time when tension rises and you hear parents say, “Just three more months, and you’re out of here!” Imagine the impact those harsh words have on kids already acting out because they are scared about leaving home.

Recognizing the symptoms of spring fever should help you weather the next few months with minimal upheaval and conflict. In addition, being open to communication from your children, can go far in your own awareness of your child’s particular situation so that you can stay ahead of more serious issues such as depression. And don’t forget to stop and smell the roses!

For some tips on how to deal with spring fever, read Wendy’s post on the

6 Antidotes for Spring Fever.