Category Archives: parenting

Wednesday’s Parent: Two Kids; Two Types of Students

June 4, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

If you have more than one child, odds are they are different. One may excel academically and the other may struggle. Parenting both types of students is a challenge for parents, especially if there is competition among the two. I know. I had one of each in my home for 18+ years.

When you have both types of kids, they should be parented differently. You can’t expect the student who struggles to bring home A’s on every report card; and you can’t compare them to the A student. Each has their own academic style and learning capabilities. It doesn’t mean, however, that the student who struggles can’t excel; and it doesn’t mean that the A student will never bring home a B or C.

The “A” Student

Living with an “A” student can be challenging. It doesn’t seem like it would be, but it is. Most students who excel academically are hard on themselves. They see grades as a part of their self-worth. If they don’t make the grades, they have failed. Perfectionism among this demographic is common and often causes all kinds of emotional issues. So much is expected of them to achieve excellence. One college graduate described what her life as an “A” student was like:

“I wanted to dance. Throw a football. Watch a movie, or get in a car and see the world instead of vicariously traveling through stacks of assigned books. Occasionally, I tossed my pen aside and went out, but these instances were rare, and I usually felt guilty about my abandoned pile of work reproducing with each passing second. At the time, I didn’t know why I put so much pressure on myself. My parents didn’t push me. My professors tried to tell me to lighten up and go have some fun. I could only respond, “Stop dishing out so much work.” I could only give it my all, or give nothing. Now I understand that I was a classic perfectionist who had yet to discover how to define my inherent worth without my achievements. Because I didn’t know how to define myself without my perfect grades, I was terrified of failing, and “failure” meant anything less than perfection, causing me years of undo stress.”

“A” students often can’t play, relax or see the lighter side of anything. Their focus is on attaining the highest GPA in their class and this, and only this, is what life is all about. This type of student, more than any other, needs to understand that apart from the grades, they are accepted and loved.

The “C” Student

If you have a “C” student in your house, you have probably tried everything to get their grades up. You’ve tried yelling, punishing, grounding and bribing them into making “A”s. You might have compared them to their brother or sister who is an “A” student. But believe it or not, the “C” students are the happiest. They may struggle in school and force you to have many parent/teacher conferences, but many average students become successful in college and in life.

Robert Kiyosaki, author of “Why “A” Students Work for “C” Students”, urges parents to lighten up. Kiyosaki believes that the school system was created to churn out ‘Es’ / Employees… those “A Students” who read well, memorize well and test well… and not the creative thinkers, visionaries and dreamers –entrepreneurs-in-the-making… those “C Students who grow up to be the innovators and creators of new ideas, businesses, applications and products.

The book urges parents not to be obsessed with their kids’ “letter grades” (“good grades” might only mean they or the student themselves were successful in jamming a square peg into a round hole…) and focus, instead, on concepts, ideas, and helping their child find their true genius, their special gift. The path they can pursue with a love and true passion.

It’s easy to label our kids: he’s smart, or she’s beautiful, or he’s an “A” student, or she’s just an average student. Be careful when you do that. Kids need to, first and foremost, enjoy their education experience. They can’t when there is too much pressure to excel or they are compared to others who have “met the grade” so to speak. Take the advice from valedictorian: it’s not the grades that matter, it’s the person you become that’s important.

Read Wendy’s Post: Parenting the Superstar and the Struggler

________________________

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Sibling Rivalry

May 21, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Siblings. The very word conjures up thoughts of rivalry. A house with siblings is a house with sibling rivalry. As with any family, competition among siblings begins at an early age. They compete over just about everything: toys, bedtimes, gifts, food, clothing, and the list goes on and on. It’s only natural that the rivalry would increase during the college prep time. But is the rivalry between the siblings of their doing or are you initiating the rivalry by comparing one child to another?

Consider this scenario from a college counselor:

I once worked with two brothers separated by four years. The older brother got into every school he applied to and turned down some of the top schools in the country. When it came to building the younger sibling’s ambitious but more modest college list, he was visibly upset when his father mentioned his brother’s accomplishments repeatedly. In one meeting, I counted the number of times the elder child was mentioned and eventually had to stop the parents when that count reached fifteen. In another situation, a parent said, in front of the child, we don’t want to pay for private school for this child because the younger daughter has more potential and they would rather save their money for her college education.

So here’s the question: are you comparing your children with each other when it comes to college prep? If you are—SNAP OUT OF IT! No two children are alike—emotionally, academically or socially. Expecting one to be like the other is fueling the flames of rivalry. If you are doing this, possibly unknowingly, how can you stop?

Be positive about their individuality

This is a major step in your child’s life, even if you’ve been through it before with the other siblings. Even though you will learn from experiences, it’s important to know that those experiences do not dictate the process with your other children. Focus on the individual process and treat each sibling as you did the first, making them feel special. Listen to them tell you what they want, where they want to go, and how they want to get there. Use experience but make it.

Praise success and celebrate acceptances

Don’t look back; look forward. Even if one sibling may not excel academically in comparison to another, praise all their individual successes. When the decisions arrive, be supportive and excited about all of them, even if some of the colleges don’t necessarily appeal to you. Being accepted to college is a major accomplishment, even if another sibling may have been accepted to colleges with more prestige. Recognize that every child has a specific path in life and each of them can be successful in the path they choose.

Don’t highlight differences, especially in front of others

As we saw in the story above, highlighting another child’s accomplishments or successes in front of others is hurtful to you child. He needs to feel that he is special and unique.

Case in point: my brother experienced this comparison all throughout school. He was two years behind me and struggled academically. I, conversely, was the model student. Teachers especially pointed out that fact to him. My parents, unknowingly, communicated that to him. Because of this, he failed at his first attempt at college. Later in life, after recognizing his strengths, he went on to receive his Ph.D. It was in the comparison that he felt failure.

It’s hard for teenagers to be constantly compared to others, especially when the competition lives in the same house. It’s your role as their parents to guide them to find their own individual talents and pursue their own path in life.

Ready Wendy’s post: College-bound sibling rivalry is more than jealousy

____________________

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: How to Help Without Harming

May 19, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

As graduation approaches parents of college-bound teens will be transitioning to different phases in their teen’s lives. Being the parents that we are, we will want to help. And our helping is not always good. Sometimes we “help” and it ends up harming their ability to think, act, and decide for themselves. It’s easy to justify our actions but when it’s all said and done we want to raise competent, independent and decisive children.

Saying all of that, how do you help without harming?

Teach them to self-advocate

One of the greatest tools a young adult can have is the ability to self-advocate. For years you have been fighting their battles for them. When they reach high school and move on to college, it’s time for them to learn how to do it for themselves. It may be hard to stand by silently and watch your teen get hurt or struggle with relationships (both with other teens and adults); but if you don’t step back, your college-bound teen will never be able to stand on their own two feet.

Listen

Listening is the hardest thing for a parent to do. We want to fix things because that’s what parents do. But sometimes things don’t need to be fixed. Sometimes our kids need to learn that life will bring conflict, disappointment and discouragement. They will learn this if you don’t jump in and fix every problem instantly. In college they will need to fix their own problems. Start letting them do this in high school.

Recognize their independence

Start early in high school and increase their freedom just a little at a time. As they exhibit responsibility and trustworthiness, allow them more freedom. By the time they leave for college they should be able to make decisions based on what is best for them simply because you allowed them to do it high school and fail at times.

Let go

You know the old adage, “If you love someone, set them free.” Parents never want to set their children free. We say we do. We try to do it. But deep down, when that little baby turns into a young adult it becomes harder and harder to let go. Parents who don’t let go have to deal with the repercussions later. This holding on has produced a generation of boomerang children—children who return home after college because they can’t succeed as independent adults.

For those parents who are waving goodbye to their teens in the fall, you’ve got three months to give them a crash course in independence. If you’re parenting an incoming high school freshman your job should be easy—you’ve got four years to get it done right!

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Graduation Anxiety

May 12, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

May means graduation. You may be thinking about gifts for graduates. But there is so much more to think about. Your student will be graduating—but you are too. You’re graduating from years of college prep. For most parents it starts early—thinking and planning for their college education. When they are born, you think you have all the time in the world. This month, that time has flown by and you can’t believe they will be leaving soon for college. And the anxiety over losing your baby begins.

Have you done enough to prepare them for adulthood?

We all ask that question. And even when they are grown, it’s going to whirl through our minds from time to time. Parenthood has its challenges and throughout the 18 years or more that they are with us, we’re bound to struggle and wonder if we did everything we could do to teach them independence, consequences, and moral values. You may not feel like you did, but kids are like sponges. They soak up everything they see. They hear everything they say. And they will use it when you least expect it.

What will you do with yourself?

After years of shuffling them to school, sports, working on homework, and most recently spending every waking moment on college prep, what will you do with all this free time? If this is your only child, you’re going to feel lost. If it’s not, the other kids will absorb your time—don’t ask me how but it happens. If this is your last one and you’re facing an empty nest, be prepared to grieve. It’s going to happen; embrace it. Then, as with all grief, it will pass and it’s time for you to readjust your priorities. It’s time to ask yourself this question: What do “I” want? For 18 years or more it’s been all about them; now it’s time for it to be all about you!

How will they survive without you?

How will they remember to do their homework, wash their hands, clean their rooms, and get up in time for class? What will they eat and when will they eat? Will they get enough rest and concentrate on their health? Will they make friends easily? Will they succumb to peer pressure?

You’ve been their lifejacket for the last 18 years. It’s time for them to swim, and possibly sink, on their own. Trust that you have taught them well and if they do start to struggle or fail, they will work it out as all adults must do. It’s scary standing on the sidelines but it’s time to remind yourself that they will be fine without you.

Isn’t that our goal from the day they are born? We just didn’t think it would come so soon. Wipe the tears, celebrate their achievement, and look ahead to the future. It’s going to be an exciting era—for both you and your kids.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Mother’s Day, Smother Day

May 7, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Sunday is Mother’s Day and it’s time for those of us who have sacrificed, loved, cared for and smothered our kids to be honored. Yes. I said smothered. Some mothers have mastered this technique so well that their kids don’t have a clue how to deal with failure, disappointment, and pain.

Do you relate to this type of mother? My daughter does. She says it’s going to be her—right down to making sure her kids are the center of her universe and vice versa. We laugh about it, but her boys might not think it’s so funny.

So in an effort to help all those teens (and mothers) from celebrating another smother day, I’ve compiled my list of tell-tale smothering signs.

You might be a smotherer if . . .

You incessantly text your teen during school to ask about __________ (you fill in the blank).
You go on the college visit with them and ask questions about campus security on the walking tour.
You send ________ (fill in the blank) to admissions officers to butter them up; and call to ask if they received them.
You show up at school unannounced with __________________ (fill in the blank), embarrassing them in front of their peers.
You call the coach because your teen didn’t make the team.
You spend the night in his dorm room for the first week of school.
You move close to campus so that you can be available.
You drive hundreds of miles to college to deliver _________________ (fill in the blank) because she called and said she “had to have it”.
You fill out their college application for them (because they can’t possibly do it on their own).
You call the mother of the son who broke up with your daughter to ask why he did it.

Are these extreme? For some, yes. But all of these are true stories, based on talking with parents and admissions counselors. Is it hard to believe? Probably not in today’s world of over parenting. If you see yourself in any of these scenarios it might be time to join our support group of smotherers: Hi, my name is Suzanne, and I’m a smotherer!

Happy Mother’s (Smother) Day!

Read Wendy’s post: Embracing your almost adult children on Mother’s Day

________________________

financial aid, mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: What Are Your Priorities?

May 5, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Every day parents complain about the high cost of college and the fact that even though they have saved, it’s not going to be enough to cover present day costs. When the kids enter high school, most parents begin to panic. The time has slipped away from them and they are faced with some difficult decisions. The thought of disappointing their kids seems unfathomable and the thought of telling their family and friends that they can’t afford to send their kids to college is even worse.

Consequently, we exhibit behavior that has devastating consequences for us and for our kids:

We make unwise decisions related to student loans
We neglect to tell our kids “no” when a college is beyond our ability to pay
We don’t include our kids in the financial aspects of the decision in the beginning

I read a post by Lynn O’Shaughnessy on The College Solution blog entitled “We are Done Paying for College”— it made me stop and think: what are our priorities as parents? Lynn and her husband began planning when their kids were little. They scrimped and saved and prepared for the day when they would go to college. It required sacrifice and commitment. But they did it and can say that their kids graduated without any student loan debt. You owe it to yourself to read her post, even if your kids are already in high school. It’s a definite wakeup call for all parents of college-bound teens.

Step back and evaluate

What are your priorities? Is college important enough for you to make some sacrifices? This means financial sacrifices and sacrifices of your time.

Make a plan and stick to it

If paying for college means driving an older model car for a few years, do it. If you need to supplement your education savings by taking on a second job and insisting your kids work during high school, make it work. If your family has to forgo some vacations, a new home, or a eating out often, it’s worth the sacrifice. But whatever you decide, make a plan and stick to it.

Be creative and think outside the box

There are so many creative ways to attain a college degree. Your kid isn’t bound to the typical four-year University or attending four consecutive years in a row. It’s also not necessarily essential that they attend college right out of high school. Do whatever it takes to attain the degree without debt and causing the family financial hardship.

It doesn’t matter where you are in the college prep process. You should evaluate your priorities and ask yourself some tough questions. It may sting in the beginning but once you’ve examined your options, you’ll sleep easier and so will your kids.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: It’s Party Time Again

April 30, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

It’s party time again—your teenagers are getting glammed up for proms and parties. But before they head out the door, there are some topics you should discuss with them. Here are three of my past posts discussing how to talk with your teens about partying that goes too far.

Drinking

It’s party season again and unfortunately that means underage drinking and possibly driving. Before your teen leaves for college, have a chat with him/her about the dangers of alcohol. I know you’re thinking: they won’t listen to me. But kids will tell you that they actually listen more than we think.

Watch this video for the truth about drinking

Hooking Up

What is hooking up? The term “hook up” is vague, but is usually defined as a no-commitment, physical encounter with a stranger or acquaintance. Hooking up can range from just a casual get-together to a make out session to sexual intercourse. Knowing this makes it difficult to discern just what it means when your college student tells you they “hooked up” with so and so.

Read More

Drinking and Driving

Do you remember when you were a teenager? Likely you can recall bits and pieces, but as you have grown older, wiser, and more experienced, you may have forgotten the particular blend of hormones, peer pressure, and self-discovery that leads teens to experience a sense of both invincibility and the immediacy of everything going on in their lives. You no doubt shake your head, exasperated, when your teens decry your overly careful attitude, but the truth is that you are at very different places in life. Your teens have yet to know the heartache and hurt that has caused you to become so cautious. But you have been where they are, and if you try to recall how you thought and felt at their age you should be able to come up with ways to connect to your college-bound kids on a level they can relate to.

Read More

Read Wendy’s post: Partying and your college bound teen

___________________

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: With Freedom Comes Responsibility

April 16, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer 1 Comment

Since I was a child, my parents have reminded me that freedom has a price. To secure our freedom, many men and women have lost their lives–a possibility for any serviceman when they enlist. But do your teens understand the concept? Have you taught them when granted freedom, they are responsible for following the rules and behaving appropriately. With the freedom to choose, comes the responsibility for your choices and your actions.

Bad scenarios

One of the first things we learn growing up is that all of our actions have consequences. If we pull a glass of water off the table, it will spill all over us. If we touch a hot burner on the stove, it will burn. If we pick up a knife on the blade, it will cut us.

Unfortunately, many teenagers don’t carry that knowledge into adulthood as they begin to make choices that are life changing and life altering. They become consumed with their newfound freedom. They don’t rationalize that sleeping with someone they just met in a bar can have consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, AIDS, pregnancy, rape and even at the very worst murder. They don’t think that cheating on a test in school, even if they don’t get caught, robs them of an education and learning. They don’t comprehend that having 20 credit cards that are maxed out will put them so deep into debt that for some the only solution is suicide. And they don’t think that marrying the wrong guy could put them at the bottom of San Francisco bay like it did Laci Peterson.

Functioning in the present

When you’re young and your whole life is ahead of you, you tend to function in the present. Twenty or thirty years from now seems like an eternity to someone in their teens and twenties. But time has a way of catching up with us and every choice we make when we are young has both good and bad consequences. The trick is to know when those consequences aren’t worth the risk. And the other trick is to pause long enough before taking those risks to weigh both the good and the bad.

A free choice with negative consequences

During my son’s senior year of high school, he wanted to join the military. As his parents, and with an underage teenager, we met with the recruiters prior to him signing up. They assured us that he could attend college while serving in the Corps, that he could be assigned to his choice of duty stations, and that he could pick his specialty because of his high test scores on the entrance exam. However, we were skeptical about the promises they were making. But once he turned 18, he would be free to make the choice, so we gave our permission.

Upon arrival at boot camp after high school graduation, he quickly discovered that all the promises were just ploys to get him to sign on the dotted line. Needless to say, he learned a very difficult lesson: every decision has consequences. He served his time in the military, traveled, and made some great friends. But his dream to be a lifetime soldier was affected by his distaste for the unfair treatment he received in the Marine Corps. His decision altered his future goals and sent him on a very different path than he had originally planned.

Lessons learned

If you get anything from this bit of advice, let it be this: teach your teenagers to take time to think before they act. Weigh the good and the bad consequences. Then once they decide, make the best of their decision and swallow the good with the bad. Every path they will take in their life has the potential for greatness. Help them see before they head off to college that freedom brings responsibility –responsibility for their actions and the consequences of those actions.

Read Wendy’s post: Passing the Responsibility Torch

_________________

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Suzanne and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Obey the Rules

April 9, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer 1 Comment

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

______________________________

It’s the never ending battle that ensues during those teenage years: who’s in charge? Teens feel that since they are growing toward independence, they should be in charge. Parents, knowing that the teens aren’t quite adults and fearing the fact that they will eventually leave, clamp down on the rules, and rightly so. To a teenager however, rules are made to be broken. Unfortunately, the rules of college prep will have negative consequences if they are not obeyed.

Here are just a few rules that your teen may be tempted to break during the college prep process that could hurt their college chances:

Study before play

Believe it or not, the most important bargaining tool your student has is his grades. It’s not the SAT’s or the extracurriculars. It’s his grades and the courses he takes during high school. Colleges look first and foremost at the grades and the quality of the courses he took. Allowing him to break this rule could have negative affect on his college application. Enforce this rule before all other: study before play.

Money matters

As the college prep process proceeds to senior year, your student will react like a kid in a candy store. Because of their peers, they will be looking at the most expensive colleges, with the prestigious names and the most infamous reputations. For most, those price tags don’t fit into the family college budget. And if your teen isn’t the best of the best, don’t expect merit aid or scholarships from those colleges. In this case, money matters and you should communicate this to your teen before he takes the college to the cash register.

Behave yourself

Colleges pay attention to behavior. They are looking for respectful students who have leadership qualities and take academics seriously. What they aren’t looking for is a student who shoots his mouth off on Twitter, posts pictures of his naked body on Instagram, and complains about parents and school on Facebook. One of the easiest ways students can impress college admission officers is to behave themselves.

Respect deadlines

Deadlines are like lines in the sand. Once drawn, you can’t cross them. Missing those deadlines will have harsh consequences. There’s no room for procrastination in the college prep process. Colleges expect your student to respect their deadlines. No respect means no admission.

Work hard

There’s no room for a slacker in the college prep process. Only those students who work hard are going to reap the benefits. Hard work always pays off when it comes to the rewards of college admissions. Hard work results in the best offers of admission and the best financial aid packages, not to mention the satisfaction of knowing that the work paid off.

This is the time for parents to remind their student that obeying the rules protects him from negative consequences and ensures positive outcomes. The simple rule we started when they were toddlers, pays off during college prep. Obey the rules!

Read Wendy’s blog: Rules to Follow and Rules to Break

parenting

The Teenage Drinking Culture

April 5, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

It’s party season again and unfortunately that means underage teenage drinking and possibly driving. Before your teen leaves for college, have a chat with him/her about the dangers of alcohol. I know you’re thinking: they won’t listen to me. But kids will tell you that they actually listen more than we think. And after you have the conversation, show them this video!

Video Graphic by 12 Keys Rehab

Parenting for College

Category Archives: parenting