Category Archives: parenting

college prep, parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Enjoying a Break When There is No Break

November 26, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

For parents of the college bound, there’s no such thing as a break. Even when you take a break from all the college prep, your mind never shuts off. During the four years of high school, every class, every activity, every amount of free time is cultivated to present a stellar application at the beginning of the senior year. It’s the nature of the beast—all hands on deck for the college prep and then when it’s all done, you can relax. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

But after the applications are submitted, we worry about the outcome and agonize over the decisions that will need to be made. It’s a never-ending drama that engulfs our lives if we have a student aspiring to college.

But how do you enjoy a break when there is no break?

Enjoy the ride. You have to grab snippets of time throughout the whole process. Whether it’s the car ride to visit colleges, or a 30 minute conversation in their room while they are getting dressed for a date, you have to steal those moments.

Make it a point to not allocate every waking moment to college prep. It should be an exciting time. Don’t ruin it for you and for your student by becoming a nag or a dictator. This only adds to the pressure they feel and escalates your level of frustration and stress.

Let the holidays be the holidays

If you have a senior, the holidays bring increased college prep activity—with college applications either looming or decisions waiting to be received. Set aside some time for fun when neither you nor your student discusses college prep. Even if you go to a movie or a hockey game, it takes your mind off the elephant in the room and helps you relax, even if for a short time.

The good news—this too shall pass. There will come a day when you move from college prep to college drama. If you don’t believe it, just ask any parent of a college student. College prep activities are replaced with roommate issues, annoying professors, and homesickness. Enjoy the four years while you can—they pass so quickly.

Read Wendy’s Post: 6 Ways to Prevent College Bound Burnout

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

college guidance, parenting, substance abuse

Mom-Approved Tips: Heading to College May Be Deadly

September 23, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Yes. I said heading to college may be deadly. At the risk of being a naysayer and offering a negative image, recent news confirms my concern. At least eight freshmen at U.S. colleges have died in the first few weeks of this school year. That’s by no means an epidemic, but it is something parents should address with their future college students.

In an article by Inside Higher Ed, “Lives Cut Short”, the stories of these tragedies is discussed:

At least eight freshmen at U.S. colleges have died in the first few weeks of this school year. The deaths have cast a shadow over the campuses on which the students spent too little time, but they’re also a cross-section of the kinds of issues and decisions facing freshmen as they begin their college careers — and of the choices some young students may not be prepared to make. Even colleges with the best approaches to educating students about mental health issues may have very little time to reach those who may be vulnerable.

Why is this happening?

You’ve lectured them. You’ve warned them. You’ve taught them right from wrong. But have you prepared them to face what waits for them at college: stress, extreme peer pressure, and abundant alcohol?

During senior year you are so focused on getting in to college, that often the most important discussions get shoved to the back burner. We cram those discussions in on the trip to move in and neglect to offer our kids advice on how to deal with the difficult decisions involved during those first few weeks of college.

“It’s a huge transition and all the support systems are different,” said Pete Goldsmith, dean of students at Indiana University at Bloomington. “For students who have lived in very structured situations and environments, going to a college campus when very suddenly they have this new kind of freedom and new choices to make, it can be pretty overwhelming.”

What tools should you give your student before he leaves for college?

Discussions about the dangers he will face in college are great—start there. But discuss the “what-ifs”:

What if everyone around you is binge drinking and wants you to join in? How will you respond?
What if you see someone who is obviously overindulging? What should you do and who should you tell?
What if a student tells you he’s suicidal? Where can you go for help?
What if you witness dangerous behavior? What should you do?
How do you recognize alcohol poisoning—how much is too much?

Don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s not going to happen to your kid. Every school is a party school. Alcohol is readily available, especially to freshmen who consider it an “initiation” into adulthood to get when their parents aren’t a factor and they are free to abuse without repercussions. Sticking your head in the sand won’t help you or your student. Discuss the “what ifs” before freshman year.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Qualities a Mentor Should NOT Possess

September 10, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

When I was in middle school I had a teacher who took a special interest in me. She encouraged me to work hard and spent extra time with me after class to explain the day’s work. Miss Castillo will always be a mentor who influenced my academic life. Because of her encouragement I graduated in the top 10 percent of my graduating class of 900. Because of her I gained self-esteem. She encouraged me, challenged me and supported me during my middle school years.

I’m sure you all have someone who influenced you in school. But mentors aren’t always in the academic realm. They can be coaches, pastors, business leaders and family friends. Mentors take the time to invest in your life and make an impact on your personal life and your future.

There are so many suggestions on how to look for and choose a mentor. But in true Parent College Coach fashion, here are 5 qualities I believe a mentor should NOT possess:

Critical

The last thing you need in a mentor is someone who is constantly criticizing you. There may be something to be said about constructive criticism, but listening to someone constantly criticize and belittle you is not inspiring. It only destroys your self-esteem.

Negative

Nobody likes being around a negative person, especially if it’s someone you are looking to for advice and encouragement. A person who always sees the glass as half empty is not going to inspire you to achieve your goals.

Patronizing

You don’t need someone who is patronizing. A mentor should never act superior or talk down to you in any way.

Disinterested

You need someone who is invested in teaching you, training you and guiding you in your life pursuits. If the person you choose is disinterested and uninvolved it’s a waste of your time.

Controlling

The idea of having a mentor is to teach you, not control your every decision. A controlling person is less likely to help you find your own path—he will want you to follow his.

Choosing a mentor requires thought and careful searching. As in my case, mentors can have a profound effect on your life. Choose wisely.

Read Wendy’s post: Choose a Mentor in 3 Steps

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parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Surviving Move-In Day

August 18, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

college move in day — Photo courtesy of University Parent

Originally published in the University Parent Guide to Supporting Your Student’s Freshman Year

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Emotions run high on college move-in day. Parents anticipate letting go of the child they’ve spent 18 years protecting; students are excited but also nervous and self-conscious. All these emotions — yours and theirs — require patience on your part. As move-in day approaches, knowing what to expect should help you and your student survive with minimal fall-out.

Arrive prepared
Arrive early (get a good parking spot!) and prepared for the day. Bring the necessary equipment: dollies for heavy items, cleaning supplies, and comfortable shoes and clothing (it’s going to be a long day). Label boxes when packing to facilitate unpacking. Be prepared to navigate steps and carry heavy objects. Don’t count on elevators being available — everyone else will be using them, too.

Do your research before you arrive on campus, and make a list of required tasks: a trip to the bookstore, a stop at the Financial Aid or Student Accounting Office, a visit to a bank to open an account. Leave time for shopping but don’t overdo it — your student won’t need every single dorm furnishing item the first day or even week of school.

Take a step back
Allow your student to take the lead. When checking into the dorm, let her do the talking while you stand by to help if necessary. The sooner your student takes ownership of even mundane aspects of the college experience, the better. Let it start from the moment you arrive on campus.

To read the rest of my article, follow this link to University Parent’s website: Surviving College Move-In Day

And to snag yourself (or a friend) a copy of the University Parent Guide to Supporting your Student’s Freshman Year, use this coupon code at checkout (2DISCFRD) for a “Friends and Family Discount” — 60% off the regular price dropping it to $7.22. The code expires September 1st.

careers, parenting

Helping Your Child Choose the Right Degree

August 14, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

It’s an important time when your child is just about to finish high school and is working out where he or she would like to go next. You want to let him or her make their own decisions and follow their heart, but you also want to ensure he or she is making the best decisions for future life and career. For example, when looking at degrees to study, maybe you want her to choose the chemical engineering degree, but she wants to complete an arts degree. It’s a real minefield: deciding whether to interfere or to let her make her own decisions unaided to choose the right degree.

You Know Your Child

You’ve seen him or her grow up, you’ve watched them play with other children and develop into the young adult they are today. You know them inside out, probably better than they know themselves. Children do value their parents’ opinions, even if they won’t show it. You’re allowed to help.

Find Resources

You can give your child the resources they need to think through their own decision making. Send them links to quizzes online which ask them about their interests and suggests routes for them based on their answers. Find websites aimed at school leavers which outline career paths and which courses are needed to get to where they want to go. And then let them soak up the information themselves.

Go With Them

Take your child to university open days, trial study days, and guided tours. You can walk around with them, let them soak up the atmosphere and imagine what attending these places might be like. There will be talks about courses so your child can learn what their chosen course will be like, along with taster sessions.

Help Them Find Opportunities

If your child still isn’t certain, take a top-down approach: find out what career areas interest them, and then work out how they can get there. There are many work experience and internship opportunities available: even a couple of weeks in a role will give them a taste for whether they would enjoy a career in a certain sector. Do you have any friends who could offer them work experience or shadowing opportunities for a couple of weeks over the summer?

Ask Them Questions

Sometimes it’s helpful just to sit down with your child and talk. Ask them what makes them tick, what gets them excited about life, and where they see themselves in ten or twenty years? Bring along a pen and paper and make notes or draw a mind map: this is a great opportunity to be supportive and help them find a direction without forcing them where you think they shouldgo.

Support Them

It might be that your child wants to study a subject, and you don’t agree that this is the best decision for them. It’s okay to tell them how you feel, but ensure you’re thinking of their best interests: it is as important for them to study a subject about which they feel passionate, as it is important for them to study a subject with excellent career prospects.

Most of all: good luck to your child on their future career. With some guidance, they will make a decision which suits them and brings them to the place they want to go, wherever that is.

college guidance, mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: How Early is Too Early to Prepare for College?

August 4, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

How early is too early to prepare for college? We’ve all seen those movie clips where the parents are agonizing over the right preschool to prepare their kids for the right kindergarten, the right grade school, and the right college preparatory school. These overachieving parents are convinced that college prep begins at birth. They take it to a whole other level elevating college jerseys into full blown college prep. But just how early is too early and how far should parents go when preparing their children for college?

With competition for college admission becoming stronger, parents are recognizing the need to begin college prep early. That doesn’t mean that you start drilling college into your toddler’s head (although some parents have been known to do this). It does mean that you begin a foundation for their education that will carry them into high school and eventually into college.

Looking at the three phases of education (elementary school, middle school and high school), what should parents do to prepare their students for college?

Elementary School

When discussing college prep, most of the discussions start in middle school and the steps begin when a student is in high school. But for a student to be truly prepared for college, parents should begin talking about it, thinking about it, and discussing it as early as elementary school.

Start talking about the value of education

Begin talking about the importance of education when your child enters kindergarten. The first seven years of education are filled with learning fundamental skills and gaining knowledge. This is the foundation of all future education. If your child loves school, excels in school, and is motivated to study and achieve excellence, the logical progression will be to continue their education by going to college.

Start talking about college

The opportunities that a college education provides can be relayed to your children during the early years of education.

For example, if your child is interested in dinosaurs, parents should talk about how people that research and recover dinosaur bones had to go to college first to learn how it’s done. Or if he is interested in space, discuss how scientists and astronauts go to college to learn the skills they need to work in that field. A child’s enthusiasms are the perfect opportunities to start a discussion about how college is key to pursuing and following those interests.

Your student might also be interested in pursuing an education online, like this online BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) offered by Spring Arbor University. There are many opportunities available for your student to pursue a Bachelor’s degree online.

Visit colleges with the family

Visiting college isn’t just for teenagers. Many universities provide campus tours and visiting days when a staff member will guide a grade school class, or other group of children, around the campus and explain the unique and exciting things they can do when they grow up and go to college. Parents can also schedule outings with their children to the college or university from which they graduated. The important thing is to make college sound interesting, exciting and accessible.

parenting

Motivation for Students Starts at Home

July 31, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

helping without harming After finishing high school, which means the end of the obligatory studies, some students struggle to maintain a positive attitude towards learning, especially if they have found a job offer. If you were to ask them, “what do you prefer,money now or money in 10 years,” you’d find out how some of them are so impatient that they prefer the money now, even if it’s a smaller amount. That’s why us, parents, have to be there to motivate them to go to college or to study an occupation and in that way in which they don’t believe it’s only a mandatory thing imposed by adults. In this post we’ll see how to motivate our kids from an early age to always choose to study:

The family is the environment in which our child’s education begins, and also the main model of values and behaviors that guides the cognitive and affective student’s future development. Here’s where parents have the opportunity to get that their children enjoy learning.

Everything should start by educating by an example to follow. Parents who show interest and enthusiasm for their child’s learning tasks and express their curiosity to learn new skills convey this attitude to the student naturally. Several researches say that parental behavior can influence the motivation or demotivate their children to learn, so it’s important too to adopt this disposition in leisure time: parents should teach their kid from an early age to look for the answer to questions, to participate in activities with enthusiasm and to get satisfaction when they get significant achievements in life.

Family should also encourage and appreciate this effort over the results; if we want our child to be motivated in its tasks, they need to suit its capabilities and to increase the difficulty as the student gains new skills cause otherwise, if he’s always required to do the activities he doesn’t understand yet, it’s easy that he feels frustrated and demotivated if he sees his efforts were not worth it. In these cases, it’s necessary to teach him to overcome his problems through perseverance and constant work and to be confident in his skills.

Now, regarding formal education, parents can also influence their children’s motivation by helping them with homework, in order to teach them to deal with problems and to have a good relationship with their teachers. If parents and children share objectives and strategies, the interest of the children to learn will always win.

Guest Posts, parenting, substance abuse

Mom-Approved Tips: Talking to Your Student About Drinking in College

July 21, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer 1 Comment

If you have a college-bound teen, you are more than likely concerned about drinking in college. Today’s guest post is from Susan Jones of Quad2Quad, the award-winning mobile app for college visits. For more than three decades, she was a psychotherapist in Washington D.C. specializing in substance abuse, and she spent ten years with Dunbar Educational Consultants counseling students and families on the college admission process. Most importantly, Susan is the mother of two grown sons who successfully navigated the college alcohol culture and had enjoyable and productive experiences, emerging as solid citizens with no regrets.

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As parents, we can and should play a key role in helping our sons and daughters create a healthy, thoughtful relationship with alcohol in college. This important responsibility can’t be outsourced. Our students cannot count on their peers, who are also living in a culture where moderation is not valued, for perspective.

Because binge drinking is common in college — though it is not the norm — students assume it must be okay and safe for them as well. They expect to pass through this portal unharmed. That will absolutely not be the case for many students. Parents need to help students figure out if they are “vulnerable current or potential problem drinkers“(VPDs) and advise them accordingly. Be prepared for the discovery that your student may not be able to drink in college. The combination of youth along with a student’s unique genetic response to alcohol may make the college alcohol environment too dangerous. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. The earlier problem drinking begins, the greater the likelihood of future addiction.

The 1^st critical conversation to have before your student leaves for college:

Be sure your student understands that alcohol affects everyone differently. If she wants to emerge from college ever able to drink normally, she needs to be alert to signs of problem drinking in college. Because “everyone else is doing it” does not mean it will be safe for her. If at any point she becomes worried about her relationship with alcohol, tell her to let you know and you will help her figure out how to get advice and support, or she can go directly to student health services.

The 2^nd critical conversation for parents to have with students after first semester and throughout college as needed:

Ask your student very directly: What kind of effect does alcohol have on you? Are you feeling comfortable about your alcohol use? Have you gotten into any compromising situations because of it that you regret?

How do I know if my student is a “Vulnerable Problem Drinker” (VPD)?

Here are some risk factors:

A family history of alcoholism
Acquiring a taste for alcohol early (high school or before)
Being impulsive or capable of poor judgment in social or academic situations independent of alcohol; may be a disinterested or struggling student
Having a high capacity for drinking large amounts of alcohol without adverse physical reactions, triggering a taste for large amounts of alcohol
Or being very reactive to alcohol and prone to sickness, blackouts or irresponsible behavior after even one or two drinks
Being disinterested in drinking in moderation.

What should I do if I believe my student is a VPD?

Don’t assume the problem will get better by itself, or imagine it’s “just a phase” your student will outgrow.
In a similar vein, do not allow your student to take blackouts or risky sexual behavior lightly. These behaviors are not healthy or acceptable. Refer your student to a mental health professional at school.
Make sure she gets actively involved with the alcohol recovery community on campus. Be extremely encouraging about this. When she’s home for vacations, steer her towards a local recovery group.
Greek membership is not to blame for the misbehavior of its members, but your student’s housing and social affiliations are going to play a big role in how much and how safely she drinks. Discourage membership in a fraternity or sorority unless your student can investigate the alcohol culture to see if there is ample opportunity for participating in divergent drinking styles.
If your student continues to exhibit problem behavior, it may be time to consider a semester off along with outpatient or inpatient rehab.

parenting, Uncategorized

The Empty Nest: Should You Redecorate?

July 15, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Some parents may mentally throw a party when their child goes off to college, while others may feel their home will be empty without the noise, mess and general frenzy that teenagers bring to a house and wish they were not going to college at all.

To decorate or not to decorate?

Many parents may believe that they need to keep their child’s bedroom the same and always available for when they return, while others may rub their hands together in glee at the thought of having a reclaimed space to play with. It may be best for parents to leave the room untouched for a little while, perhaps a few semesters, to see how often the child returns to the family home, and whether when they do, they need their own room to sleep in.

What to do with what is left behind

The child will not have been able to take all their stuff with them to college, so when it is time to redecorate, it goes without saying that there will be a fair amount of furniture and accessories that will need to be stored or repurposed. With the child’s permission, check through the room’s contents, throwing out anything that is broken, and give to charity anything, such as toys, that they have grown out of.

Different uses for the spare room

A vacated bedroom offers parents the chance to reclaim a bit of their home for themselves. Hobbies that were carried out in awkward places now have the chance to spread out. Wives who want their husbands out from under their feet can suggest that the child’s bedroom becomes a room solely for masculine use, perhaps being turned into a home cinema room complete with blackout drapes and a comfortable recliner chair; a home gym fitted out with wall-length mirrors and equipment, complemented by light, stimulating wall colors; or even a games room, with pinball machines and a football table.

A mother could have that arts and crafts room she always wanted, complete with a worktable and shelves or storage units full of beads, ribbons and other haberdashery. More prosaically, it could become a room where all the laundry is sorted and ironing could be carried out, rather than have it spilling over into the downstairs reception rooms. Of course, the room could serve both parents if it were transformed into a home study with computer desk and chair, a small select library with long and high bookcases, or even a meditation room with low lighting and minimalist decoration.

Remember they come back

It is a good idea that despite whatever type of room the space is turned into, it serves a dual purpose and can become a bedroom once again, however impromptu and impermanent it may be. An excellent way to achieve this is to have a sofa bed in the room, which will not only provide a place to sit during the day, but will turn into a bed on those occasions when the child returns home and needs a place to sleep.

Guest Posts, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Knowing the Warning Signs of Cough Medicine Abuse

July 14, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Years ago, I worked for the local school district creating drug awareness materials for Red Ribbon Week. I was shocked as a parent to discover that some teens will do just about anything to get high. From huffing paint, to taking ritalin, to abusing cough medicine. Today’s guest post is from Tammy Walsh, a high school math teacher with a passion for helping to educate teens on the dangers of substance abuse and a mother of two boys. She contributes to The Five Moms blog at stopmedicineabuse.org. Being passionate about this topic myself, I was happy to give her an opportunity to share her advice.

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As your teen relaxes and enjoys some much needed time away from academia this summer, it’s important to keep in mind that this increased free/unsupervised time can also increase the likelihood of your teen engaging in risky activities. Underage drinking and smoking is at the forefront of parents’ minds when they think about what drugs teens are choosing to experiment with, but cough medicine abuse is usually not on the typical parent’s radar. Unfortunately, it should be. One out of 25 teens reports abusing over-the-counter (OTC) cough medicine to get high. Perhaps even more alarming, roughly one out of three teenagers knows someone who has abused cough medicine to get high.

As a parent, it’s overwhelming to think about looking out for yet another dangerous activity your teen may be engaging in, but we aren’t hopeless. The first step to combating teen cough medicine abuse is to familiarize yourself with the warning signs.

Signs of abuse of OTC cough medicine include:

Empty cough medicine boxes or bottles in the trash of your teen’s room, car, backpack or school locker
Your teen’s purchase or use of large amounts of cough medicine when he or she isn’t sick
Missing boxes or bottles of medicine from home medicine cabinets
Hearing your teen use certain slang terms for DXM abuse, such as skittles, skittling, tussin, robo-tripping, robo, CCC, triple Cs, dexing and DXM
Noticing that your teen has visited pro-drug websites that provide information on how to abuse DXM
Unusual internet orders, the arrival of unexpected packages, or unexplained payments for a credit card or PayPal account
Changes in your teen’s friends, physical appearance, sleeping or eating patterns
Declining grades
Your teen’s loss of interest in his or her hobbies or favorite activities
A hostile and uncooperative attitude
Unexplained disappearance of household money

Unusual chemical or medicinal smells on your teen or in his or her room. While some of these warning signs may appear to be normal, angsty teenage behavior, be sure to follow your natural instincts, trust your gut and directly address the situation if you suspect that your teen may be abusing medicine.

Visit stopmedicineabuse.org to learn more about cough medicine abuse and how to start the conversation about drug abuse with your teen.

Parenting for College

Category Archives: parenting

Wednesday’s Parent: Enjoying a Break When There is No Break