Category Archives: parenting

college guidance, college prep, parenting

How to Know If Your Teen is Ready for College Without Asking

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ready for college

Yes. You could come out and ask the question. But the odds are your teen probably doesn’t know; and even if he does answer, it might not be an honest one. It might be what he thinks you want to hear. Your child needs some “mean” emotional skills before move-in day, as evidenced by all the college kids calling their parents to say, “I don’t like it here. Can I come home?”

How do you know if your teen is ready for college? Ask yourself some questions and be honest about the answers. The answers to these questions will be a good indicator about whether or not your teen is ready for college or could use some help getting prepared. You have the summer to help him practice these important independent life skills.

Does he know how to self-advocate?

It could happen on the first day of college. Your student needs help. He needs to speak with an advisor. Talk with a professor. Have a conversation with the RA. If he constantly runs to you for help in high school, how will he ever learn to advocate for himself? Colleges expect students to handle these situations by themselves. If he can’t deal with problems now, it’s a good indicator he won’t be able to handle them in college.

Does he know how to resolve conflict?

Roommate conflict is the number one reason students are unhappy the first few weeks of college. Being placed with a roommate that does not match your student’s personality and habits can be overwhelming. Conflict arises daily in college: with friends, with professors, with administration. If he goes to college without this emotional skill he will be more likely to “phone home” asking for help every time a conflict with someone arises.

Does he make friends easily and possess the necessary social skills?

Students who sit in their room alone day after day will not survive in college. They need a support group: friends to turn to when they are homesick or struggling. The social aspect of college is key to surviving four years away from home. Going to college far from the comfort of home and not knowing anyone can be a deal-breaker for the shy, uninvolved student.

Does he know how to recognize and avoid risky behavior?

There are going to be opportunities in college to participate in dangerous behavior: drinking, drugs, hooking up, and reckless driving to name a few. Students often see college as an opportunity to participate in activities that parents would not encourage while they are living at home. Does he have the tools to recognize and avoid the consequences of these behaviors?

Has he been away from home for an extended period of time?

So many first time college students have never been away from home without parents. A few weeks away from home gives them a taste of what life is like on their own. If your student has never been away from home or on his own, college will be a difficult adjustment.

Preparing your student for the emotional aspect of college will be best for him and for you. If he’s ready to venture out on his own, you will be less stressed about dropping him off on move-in day. And you most likely won’t receive the dreaded phone call: “I want to come home.”

admissions, college planning, parenting

10 Things to Do After National College Decision Day

 

NATIONAL COLLEGE DECISION DAYIt’s that time of year again. May 1 is approaching and for parents of seniors it’s THE DAY that their student’s hard work is finally realized. National College Decision Day is the day your student has to decide which college they will attend. For some, it will be an easy decision. For others, like my daughter, it will be an excruciating one.

My daughter waited until the last minute—the very last minute—to decide. She was torn between two very similar colleges: one in her home state of Texas and one thousands of miles away in Massachusetts. Both offered the same financial aid, the same course curriculum, the same campus setting, and Greek life (#1 on her list). The final dealmaker was location. She had always wanted to attend college in Boston and that’s what tipped the scale.

Once your student has decided which offer of admission to accept, it’s time for celebration. It’s a time to look ahead, savor all the hard work, and prepare for the next few months. Here are ten things you should do after the decision is made:

  1. Prepare for buyer’s remorse

Even if your son or daughter is sure about their college choice, buyer’s remorse will set it at some point during the next few months. It’s that overwhelming feeling that perhaps they choose the wrong college or made the wrong decision. It’s that feeling that perhaps they don’t want to leave home after all because of a) their friends, b) their boyfriend or girlfriend, or c) they are terrified to be on their own. Don’t react, just listen. They have to work through their anxiety.

  1. Plan for orientation-both student and parents

It’s time to get the calendar out and look at student/parent orientation dates. This is one event neither you nor your student want to miss. Parents learn valuable information at orientation and students make much-needed connections with other students. Orientation will help your student ease into college life and help you cope as they make the move from home to independent living.

  1. Keep looking for scholarship money

You may have a financial aid package in line, but you should never stop looking and applying for scholarships. College is expensive and even those $500 awards will add up. All throughout college your student should continue applying for scholarships.

  1. Prepare for fall registration

It’s time to pour over the course catalog and academic requirements. Check out the college’s AP policies, which vary quite a bit from college to college. Your child still has time to sign up for May or June SAT II tests in preparation for fall registration. Official scores for these tests, however, will need to be sent to the college so they will have them on record when registering for classes.

  1. Expect your emotions to be all over the place

By the end of the summer, you may be counting the days until your teenager leaves for college. Typically they become moody, argumentative and begin exerting what they feel is logical independence. There will be times when you wish they were already gone, and times when you wish they would never leave. It’s a whirlwind of conflicted emotions and every parent experiences them. Just as your student is working through this life change, you are coming to grips with it as well.

  1. Book parents weekend now

This may sound like crazy advice, but if there’s one thing you do in this list—do this. Hotels fill up quickly for parents weekend, along with rental cars. Expect to pay higher than normal hotel prices because these dates happen every year and the hotels book quickly. If you are flying to the college or taking a train, book that part of the travel early as well.

  1. Look at the calendar and plan for holiday travel

If your student has to fly home or take a train, look at the academic calendar and book travel for them. Waiting until the last minute may leave your student stranded on campus or force you to pay high prices for a last minute ticket.

  1. Go shopping, but don’t overbuy

Scope out the area around the college for chains like Bed Bath and Beyond, Target or The Container Store. You can order online and arrange to pick up when you arrive at college. Wait until you know the layout of the room and your college student has had a conversation with their roommate. This will alleviate duplicate purchases and overbuying items that aren’t dorm essentials. Remember, these are “small” spaces. You and your student may be tempted to go crazy with the bling, but it’s better to wait until move in day for that.

  1. Schedule a family vacation

If possible, schedule a family vacation. It may be the only time you see your son or daughter before they leave for college. They will be bulking up on friend time, significant other time, and anything away from their parents and the family. It’s normal; they are preparing for separation.

  1. Have a serious money talk

Once the college decision is made, it’s time to reiterate what you expect them to contribute to their education financially and what you expect from them academically since you are also contributing a significant amount toward this education. Begin budgeting for expenses and discussing how they will pay for essentials during the year: either through a job or by you providing them with a monthly stipend.

 

college guidance, parenting

5 Parenting Lessons from The Hecks of “The Middle”

 

parenting lessons

If you are part of a middle class family, it’s easy to relate to the Hecks. Frankie and Mike struggle with everything middle class parents do: paying the bills, balancing expenses, and trying to raise children who aspire to college. Their parenting style is not for everyone, but within the hilarity and the sometimes questionable choices they make, we can find some relevant truth.

This show is a mirror into every parent’s struggles, battles, and parenting nightmares. Their oldest son can never get his head in the game. Their daughter lives in her own little world but strives for greatness. And their youngest son struggles with a lack of social skills. But somehow, they manage to make us laugh and cry watching their crazy life.

Watching the show for seven years, I’ve realized that Frankie and Mike can teach us a great deal about parenting. Here are five parenting lessons from “The Middle”:

  1. Find a parenting balance

Mike and Frankie’s philosophy is to let life happen. Their children often fend for themselves and are expected to remind their parents of every school activity. Because of this, it’s common for the family to be late, for the parents to forget, and for the children to miss out on opportunity. Instead of staying on top of deadlines, activities and events, they depend on their children to remind them.

Uninvolved parents are the antithesis of the helicopter parent. We should always seek a balance between the two. Stay involved enough to be the coach and the guide, but back off enough to allow your children to exert some independence.

  1. Always encourage your children to pursue their goals

The Heck’s daughter, Sue, is an extrovert and a dreamer. She dreams big, fails at most things, but continues to try. Although her parents know she’s never going to be a varsity cheerleader or homecoming queen, they never tell her to stop trying. She learns some tough lessons about life and her successes are more meaningful because she committed and never gave up.

  1. Even when it seems you’ve failed as a parent, there is always hope

The Heck’s oldest son, Axl, is a charmer, with absolutely no motivation. Try as they might, they could never seem to impress upon him the importance of doing your best and striving for excellence. Since he is a charmer, he charmed his way out of some pretty desperate situations. But as time has passed, he has grown as a person and has begun to see the potential in a college degree.

  1. Even in a family that struggles financially, college is an option

Neither Mike nor Frankie have a college education. But they knew they wanted their children to have that opportunity. Their plan for Axl was to get an athletic scholarship. For Sue, they knew her grades were her ticket and expected a good financial aid package. Both first generation students were accepted to college and received enough financial aid to attend. The parents never gave up on encouraging their children, even though they knew there would be challenges financially.

  1. Even though you can’t wait for your kids to leave for college, you will miss them when they are gone

This scenario has played out numerous times during the last few seasons. Frankie and Mike’s goal has always been for their children to finally leave home. Now that two of them have gone off to college, they are feeling the pains of the empty nest, especially with Sue. Their youngest son is still at home, but entering high school. The reality that someday soon they will be all alone is a quite an accomplishment, but it’s also a tough pill to swallow. There are days when they welcome the silence in the house, and then there are days when they worry because they haven’t heard from either child in the last 24 hours.

If you’ve never watched “The Middle” and you have college-bound teens, spend 30 minutes a week with the Hecks. You will laugh, commensurate and cry with this typical family. If you have Hulu, you can binge watch all seven seasons and watch the progression of their lives.

college guidance, parenting

Your Student May Be Headed to College, But . . .

headed to college

It’s hump day. Which means it’s the perfect day for some levity (and just a little sarcasm). If you are a parent of a college-bound teen, you will welcome levity. Especially this time of year.

It’s the time of year when tempers flare, stress reigns, and emotions collide. Many parents may find themselves looking forward to the day when their argumentative, emotional teenager moves out and heads off to college. After all, that’s when they will become an independent adult, handling their own problems.  They won’t be asking for help any longer and will not be yelling at you for all those reminders to study for the tests, write the essays, fill out the applications, and apply for scholarships.

If you believe that, you’re living in a dream world. Just because they are headed to college, they will still need you. You will receive all types of calls and texts, cementing the fact that although they are gone, they will never be able to survive without you. And most parents, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Check out this video I saw this morning that demonstrates the fact–you’re never too old or too independent to need your mother. Just click on the photo above or click here!

college guidance, parenting

How I Helped My Daughter Choose College Over a Boyfriend

 

choose college

I will never forget how it felt when my daughter announced, “I don’t think I will go away to college.” My stomach went into knots. My heart broke. My mouth dropped. Panic arose within every fiber of my being; but I didn’t speak. My mind was going in a hundred different directions; but I remained calm. Thinking back, I have no idea why I didn’t immediately start freaking out.

What would make an academically motivated, hard-working senior with a dream of attending college in Boston change her mind? A boy. What else? During the second half of her senior year she met a boy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and very romantic. He plied her with flowers, daily love notes, and phone calls declaring his love. He also began begging her to stay. It started simply with an “I will miss you” and transitioned to talk of marriage.

How could I possibly compete with the “M” word? How would I convince my daughter that college was more important than a boyfriend? How could I explain to her that he was probably the first of many and there was a big world out there waiting for her to explore?

The first step to convince her that college was the best choice, was to start a conversation. The first thing I did was ask her, “Why, after all this time, and all your hard work, would you change your mind?” At first, she gave me a multitude of excuses, from being afraid to move so far from home to missing me to having to leaver her friends. But eventually, she admitted it was her boyfriend.

Instead of bad-mouthing him and telling her he should not be pressuring her, I turned the conversation toward these three topics: the reason you wanted to go away to college, the realities of losing all your financial aid, and the importance of choosing your own path in life. After a few days of tears and logical evaluation, my arguments prevailed. She agreed to stick with the plan and go away to college.

It is important to note that I did not lose my cool. I didn’t argue. I didn’t yell. I didn’t make her feel her opinion was silly or stupid or illogical. She was now an adult and would have to make her own decisions. I simply guided her toward the right choice.

Getting her to college was one thing. I thought that once she made the decision, she would move on. But the first day of freshman week, she announced that she would give it a try and transfer if it didn’t work. Translated: if the long distance relationship doesn’t work, I will move back home and go to college there.

But I knew something she didn’t know. College offered her so much more than being stuck in a long-distance relationship with a boy who was still in high school. It wasn’t two weeks before she met someone else and decided that college was a good place after all. By the time spring break rolled around, her boyfriend was ancient history and college and its experiences became the focus of her life.

admissions, college guidance, parenting

Choosing a College–Is it 1, 2, or 3?

 

choosing a college

It’s crunch time. May 1, the deadline to make your final college choice, is upon us. For many families, they have multiple colleges to choose from. Offers of admission, along with financial aid packages, have been rolling in. Now comes the hard part: will it be 1st, 2nd, 3rd or even 4th or 5th choice when choosing a college? Will your son or daughter choose their dream college, or will they choose a college offering better aid that was further down the list.

As you’re making the decision, remember these points:

It’s not all about the money.

I know. I’ve been preaching about aid awards, comparing awards, and choosing the best financial fit. But it’s not always about the money. If you read my post about my daughter, (My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship) you will see that although the money was there, the fit was not. Ultimately the decision came down to her feelings–coupled with a logical financial plan.

The final decision has to be your child’s.

You won’t be attending college. She will. If you force a choice, the outcome will not be pretty. You will soon be getting a phone call, “I just don’t like it here”. No amount of coaxing, tough love, or putting your foot down can overshadow a college choice that you made for your daughter.

Any choice is a good choice.

If the colleges are on the list they are good choices. It’s a matter of finding that right mix of “love” and financial backing to cement the final decision.

The choices we make shape our lives.

Choices shape our lives–even the bad ones. I read an excellent article today that talked about “bashert”. The title caught my eye (How ‘Bashert’ Can Help You Survive a College Rejection) and I had to find out what bashart meant. “Bashert is a Yiddish word. The definition is “destined, fated, meant to be.” It’s the Yiddish equivalent of “que sera, sera” or what will be, will be, or destiny or fate.”

I fully concur with this philosophy. While you’re choosing a college, remember that every path takes your student down a different road of life; and, according to Robert Frost, the “road less traveled” makes all the difference. The choice may not be what you imagined but your son or daughter has to forge their own path in life.

admissions, college guidance, college planning, college prep, college transfer, community college, parenting

My Son’s Path to College Graduation Took 9 Years After High School

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This week, I will be sharing some personal stories and experiences of my own children’s path to college. I hope they help enlighten you and encourage you to help your college-bound teen.

college graduation

During his senior year of high school, my son applied to three schools: the Air Force Academy, West Point, and the Citadel. He knew he didn’t have the grades to get into these competitive colleges, but they were his dream schools. He didn’t apply anywhere else and when he was not offered admission, he decided to give up on college. He was defeated and felt he couldn’t possibly succeed. He also felt college was out of the question without scholarships and he did not bother to apply for any. Because of this, my son’s path to college graduation took nine years after high school.

Unfortunately, I was an uninformed parent. I did not know at the time there were many other options for him. He could have attended community college for a nominal cost. He could have applied rolling admission to colleges that were within our ability to pay. He could have chosen a military college and accepted an officer’s commission after graduation. But because he felt he had few options, he opted for the military, with the promise of attending college while serving.

Since he chose the Marines, he had little time to attend college. After serving his four years, he was honorably discharged and the day after leaving the Marine Corps, he began attending a state college on the G.I Bill. Unfortunately, he made a poor college choice. Based on his Marine buddies recommendations, he chose a “party” school. To make matters worse, the college was a commuter college—students went home on the weekends.

[ctt title=”Every student has a different path to college–be sensitive and be an encourager” tweet=”My son took 9 years after high school to graduate college–every student has a different path via @suzanneshaffer” coverup=”BO9db”]

After one semester, he withdrew with an absolutely disappointing 1.0 GPA. It was not that he was a poor student. He just wasn’t ready. After being told what to do for four years, he wasn’t disciplined enough to attend class, study, and participate in discussions. His plan—come home and find a full-time job. We agreed to give him six months.

After working at a minimum wage job for one year and living in a small studio apartment, it became clear to him that he needed a college education. Since his GPA would not allow him to re-enter college, he decided to attend community college, retake the same courses, bring up his GPA and transfer to a four-year college after he had met the basic requirements. Better yet, his G.I Bill and Pell Grant would cover all his tuition, making it possible to attend for two years without incurring any student loan debt.

After two years of community college, he transferred to a private college with a 4.0 GPA. Because of his excellent academic standing, he was able to secure scholarships for this college as well. After two more years, and nine years after high school, he graduated Magna Cum Laude with numerous academic merit awards. It was clear that he was capable of so much more than he thought he was in high school.

What made the difference? He was ready. After working for a year making minimum wage, he realized the importance of a college education. He made a plan and kept his eye on the prize. As he did in the Marines, he excelled in the execution of that plan and reaped the rewards of his academic commitment.

Is your teen a good student and is struggling with a college decision? Don’t be discouraged. He or she may not be ready. A gap year might be in order. Working at a trade or internship could help motivate them. For my son, the military was the best option. Whatever your teenager decides, the path he or she takes should be the path that best fits them. Forcing a student to attend college if he’s not ready will only lead to disaster: financial and personal failure.

If you think your unmotivated student has few education options after high school, think again. Community college is always an option, offering an opportunity to ease into college life. Trade schools offer a hands-on education and for some students, the best choice. There are colleges who accept applications year round, and even colleges that have a 100% acceptance rate. Just because your student does mediocre in high school, don’t assume college will be an academic repeat. If college is truly his goal, he will make it work; and he just might surprise you.

academics, college guidance, financial aid, parenting

My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship

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full-ride scholarship

 

During this financial aid award season, several years ago, my daughter had to make a difficult decision: which college would receive her acceptance of an offer of admission. Of the many colleges she applied to, they included private colleges, state universities, and trade colleges. Some offered her financial aid, others did not. It was a heart-wrenching decision for her: choose the college that offered the best financial aid package with a full-ride scholarship, choose her dream college that gapped her offering no financial aid, or choose the college that was her perfect fit.

For me, it was a no-brainer. One college offered her a full-ride scholarship, along with the major she wanted to pursue. It was in the city she wanted to live in. All the boxes were checked off. There was one problem, however. Since the college was over 2000 miles away from her home, she applied without ever visiting the campus.

Still stuck on her dream college, we scheduled college visits to the other colleges on her list. Here’s where the emotional issue of choosing a college entered into the mix. For teens, the college choice is always more emotional than practical. For parents, this factor makes it even more difficult for you to guide your student in the best decision.

After visiting three colleges in the same city, one her dream college, she was faced with a difficult choice. If it were up to her, she would have chosen her dream college. Knowing this decision would put her into debt, I was able to convince her to look at the other schools.

One of the other colleges offered her a full-ride scholarship; but when we drove onto the campus she immediately balked. Her reaction was so severe that she wouldn’t even get out of the car. My reaction—total anger and frustration. But I knew that I would regret forcing her to consider this college when she was so adamantly against it. So we drove away and moved on to the next college; knowing full well this meant she was turning her back on a full-ride scholarship.

The next college was a slam dunk. She loved the campus. She loved the tour and the students she met. She loved the location, its surroundings, and the total college experience it offered her. It was a small campus and since she would be so far away from home, it would be easier for her to assimilate in this type of environment. Since it was a liberal arts college, she could minor in English—something she had always wanted to do. The next best part, their financial aid package was doable. With her scholarships, grants and work study, she would only have to take out minimal student loans.

Seeing her turn down a full-ride scholarships was a tough pill to swallow. As her parent, I was completely focused on the financial aspect of the decision. But once I saw how excited she was about the other college and saw the smiles on her face, I knew this was the right decision.

Letting her make an emotional college choice (coupled with some financial sense) was the right decision. She flourished at that college. She met lifelong friends. She was able to get a well-rounded education and graduate with a degree that was employable. She still thanks me every day for letting her make that emotional choice and for also standing firm on the impracticality of her dream college.

Choosing a college is a highly emotional decision for your student. Your job as a parent is to guide them into a practical choice while taking into account that you want a happy student going off to college. Although financing should be a key part of the decision, it’s not always about the money.

admissions, financial aid, parenting

Wednesday’s Parent: Why Can’t I Attend My Dream College?

 

dream collegeThis past week, I’ve been discussing the financial aid awards and how they affect your student’s college choice. When those award packages arrive, it may be time for some tough love. The award may not be enough to justify sending your college-bound teen to her dream college. If your student asks this question, “Why can’t I attend my dream college?”, be prepared for an answer.

I had to answer that question when my daughter was accepted to a college she had dreamed of attending since middle school. She worked hard to be accepted and when her offer of admission arrived, she was beyond excited. Her dream had become a reality–until the award package arrived. Then, she was crushed. The only aid they offered was federal student loans. She had been “gapped” and I knew we were going to be forced to cross that college off the list. Yes. She had applied to other colleges that offered substantial aid and scholarships. Yes. They were colleges she wanted to attend. But they weren’t her first choice and her dream college was within her grasp. Or was it?

I had to have a very tough conversation with my daughter. I explained to her the cost of the college was way beyond our ability to pay. We discussed student loans, parent loans and appeals. But we both knew that racking up debt to attend was not logical or financially practical. We had placed all her dreams on financial aid and when it didn’t measure up to our expectations, we were forced to move on; with many tears, much sobbing and tremendous disappointment.

We took a look at the other offers of admission. With scholarships and aid, she would only have to take out minimal student loans; making it manageable to pay back after graduation. One college even offered a full-ride scholarship. It was clear that these colleges wanted her and demonstrated it by backing it up with generous aid packages. There were some strong contenders among the other colleges and it was time to take a second look; and we did.

We visited the colleges that offered the greatest amount of financial aid. She toured the campuses (some for the first time) and was able to see herself at two of the colleges that offered similar aid packages. What was the deciding factor? Location. She chose the college that was in the same city as her dream college. Part of the lure of the dream college was the location and since this was at the top of her list, it tipped the scales for her.

What was the outcome? She fell in love with her second choice college. It was a perfect fit for her academically, socially and financially. But the real payoff was at graduation when she had minimal student loan debt and was able to start her life without the burden of unmanageable student loan payments. Our smart decision paid off; and she understand why she could not attend her dream college.

careers, parenting

Should Every Child Go to College?

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college

I published this article about five years ago, but I feel it’s content is still true today. Too many parents push students to go to college when they are not prepared either academically, emotionally or financially. So many students go and fail because college is simply not for them.

_____________________

I read an article a few years ago in The Atlantic: “In the Basement of the Ivory Tower“, that gave me some food for thought. It’s been on my mind for quite awhile, especially since I have a close friend who is a financial aid counselor at one of those infamous “for profit” colleges.

She would answer my leading question with a loud and emphatic, “NO”, based on her experience dealing with those who are not prepared to attend college and don’t understand the consequences of borrowing money they can’t pay back. They have been convinced that without a college education, they can’t get a job or pursue a career. They’ve been told by someone that it doesn’t matter how much money you borrow as long as you get that degree. Once you get that degree you can earn enough money to pay back what you’ve borrowed. But we all know that’s not often the case.

In the above mentioned article, the English professor makes an interesting point:

America, ever-idealistic, seems wary of the vocational-education track. We are not comfortable limiting anyone’s options. Telling someone that college is not for him seems harsh and classist and British, as though we were sentencing him to a life in the coal mines. I sympathize with this stance; I subscribe to the American ideal.

Sending everyone under the sun to college is a noble initiative. Academia is all for it, naturally. Industry is all for it; some companies even help with tuition costs. Government is all for it; the truly needy have lots of opportunities for financial aid. The media applauds it—try to imagine someone speaking out against the idea. To oppose such a scheme of inclusion would be positively churlish.

I’ve come to realize that Americans truly are snobs. We brag about what we have and what we have obtained. Like it or not, we are a classist society. We snub our noses at those who haven’t been to college and brag heavily about our numerous degrees as if they are badges of honor. And while graduating from college is an accomplishment, so is learning a trade.

Often, we push our kids to attend college when we know it’s not for them. Why? Because we are a society that measures success by the number of degrees hanging on a wall or the dollar signs that can be found on our bank accounts. It is noble to dream big and education is always a noble goal. But so is being a plumber, a carpenter, a cosmetologist or a civil servant like a police officer or fireman.

What’s my point? My point is that you need to know your child. If they want to go to college and have the skills and knowledge they need to be successful there, then encourage them to go. But if they aren’t interested or motivated, save yourself some heartache, disappointment and money by letting them pursue a trade or career and even consider a college that offers both. There are so many fabulous careers out there that they can do without higher education. You will be happier, they will be happier and they will fill an important role in society. College really isn’t for child.