Category Archives: parenting

parenting

Are You Raising a “Snowflake”?

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snowflake
PHOTO: MARTIN KOZLOWSKI

I don’t often editorialize here, but I feel it’s important to address this topic. College preparation is more than academics, essays, volunteering, and extracurriculars. Parents should be concerned with the overall child—do they have the tools to become independent adults, make good choices, and embrace diverse opinions.

Unless you’ve been hibernating under a rock, you know “snowflake” is a term being used to describe college students who can’t seem to cope with life. Apparently, we are now in the “snowflake generation.” The term was one of Collins Dictionary’s 2016 words of the year — today’s young adults, viewed as being less resilient and more offense-prone than previous generations.

The Financial Times defined it as “a derogatory term for someone deemed too emotionally vulnerable to cope with views that challenge their own, particularly in universities and other forums once known for robust debate” and noting that the insult had been aimed at an entire generation.”

It’s clear. We are coddling our young people. We, as parents, have made it our business to protect them from life in general. This has become especially clear in the university environments where they should be challenged to think, debate, and be open to exploring all theories and opinions.

Colleges are now notifying students that the content of a lecture might upset them. Events and activities are cancelled because they might offend someone on campus. Safe spaces abound for students to deal with their emotional pain. If disappointed, they are allowed a “pass” for class or a retake of a test.

How did this happen?

Unfortunately, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We have taught our children that the world is a dangerous place. Parents go to great links to eliminate all risk from their children’s lives. Games like dodgeball are no longer allowed in schools. Safeguarding has become a top priority in every aspect of our children’s lives. Parents interfere with teachers, coaches and all types of authority, to keep their children from suffering any consequences of their actions.

Author Simon Sinek explains that as a result of social media and bad parenting strategies, people born after 1984 are entitled, narcisstic, self-interested and lazy. In a viral video he said: “They were told they were special all the time. They were told they could have anything they want in life, just because they want it… some of them got As not because they earned them but because teachers didn’t want to deal with their parents. They got participation medals for coming last. Then they were thrust into the real world and in an instant found they were not special, their parents can’t get them a promotion, they get nothing for coming in last and can’t have it just because you want it. In an instant their self-image is shattered.”

The Spectator summed it up in a recent article: Generation Snowflake—how we train our kids to be censorious cry-babies. “We — adult society — have created this generation. We protect children from criticism and suspend our critical judgment in order to massage their self-esteem. We scare them rigid by ‘catastrophising’ an endless list of fears. We make them hypervigilant about potential abuse from adults and their peers. We encourage them to equate abusive words with physical violence. And we have, in short, shaped our own overanxious, easily offended, censoriously thin-skinned Frankenstein monster. We created Generation Snowflake.”

How can we change this pattern?

Act now! Make it your goal to teach your college-bound teenager how to self-advocate. Teach them life skills like coping with disappointment, facing consequences of their actions, being financially responsible, and thinking freely and forming their own opinions. When they fail don’t rescue them. When they succeed because of hard work, acknowledge them. Don’t reward poor behavior or laziness just because they “tried”. Teach them the world doesn’t owe them anything; it’s their job to earn respect, success and independence.

Get this book: Toward College Success: Is Your Teenager Ready, Willing and Able? Read it and apply its tactics. When your student goes off to college they will be prepared for the real world which can sometimes be cruel; but a learning environment preparing them for adulthood.

parenting, social networks

What Lessons Can Your Teen Learn from the 2016 Election?

 

2016 election

This has been an emotionally charged 2016 election process. Most of us are ready for all of it to be over—from the talking heads, to the vicious mud-slinging, to the hate speak on social media. But within every negative experience, there are always teaching moments for our children.

At some point, your student will be leaving home for college as an adult. Before she goes, use this election to discuss some key values in hopes she will take them with her. These values are more important than grades, essays, and college applications.

Don’t exaggerate, bloviate, or inflate

My how both candidates have ranted, yelled, name-called and gone on and on without saying anything relevant. We’ve heard lies from both sides and attempts to cover them up or minimize them. The lesson here is simple: speak the truth. Use your words to “say what you mean and mean what you say”.

Social media is a game changer

This election has been driven by social media. Tweets from both candidates and from Wikileaks,  blasting one another on Facebook, posting videos, newspaper articles, and memes about each of the candidates. If you think no one pays attention to what you post, think again. This election was played out online this time and could very well be won or lost because of it.

The poor choices you make always have consequences

Each candidate has been embarrassed by some of the poor choices they made in the past. Their actions came back to haunt them. Their choices had consequences. This is perhaps the most important lesson to teach your college-bound teen—think before you act. Are you willing to accept the consequences of your actions?

Think before you post, tweet or email

Everything, and I mean everything, you put online will come back to haunt you. Social media is your resume and everyone is reading it—college admissions officers, future employers, family, and friends. Before you hit the “submit” button, consider the ramifications of what you are saying.

Respect has to be earned

The country has little respect for either candidate. This is an election where most people will tell you they are choosing the “lesser of two evils.” Respect is earned when you exhibit truthful, honest, moral behavior, kindness to others, and respect for authority. You have to earn respect by your actions.

And lastly, “decisions are made by those who show up”.

Harry Truman said, “Decisions are made by those who show up.” Teach your children that voting is a crucial freedom and they should exercise their right to vote in every election. And once the decision has been made, they can rest assured they did their part to express what they feel and believe.

parenting

Walking the Helicopter Parenting Tightrope

 

parenting

Parenting has certainly changed.

In the 50’s, our parents let us have the run of the neighborhood. We rode our bikes everywhere, walked home from school alone, and rode the bus to the movies alone. In the summer, we left the house early in the morning and returned home in time for dinner. Our teachers terrified us and we knew if we misbehaved, our parents would back them up. There were no car seats or safety belts. You would never find anti-bacterial soap or even consider using it. When we turned 18, we either went to college or got a full-time job and moved out of the house.

In the 80’s, parenting styles began to change. Because of Adam Walsh, we watched our kids like a hawk. We weren’t quite ready to take away their freedom, but we worried. We worried about where they were, who they were with, and what dangers they might encounter when they were at school, outside, and at the mall. Parents began to question a teacher’s authority and loosened the grip on the discipline of their children. Spanking became taboo and “time out” emerged as a parenting technique.

At the beginning of the 21st century helicopter parenting emerged. It’s not like we planned for it to happen. It just did. We sheltered our children from any disappointment. Everyone on the team got a trophy. There were no winners or losers. We questioned all school authority. We would never consider letting them walk home alone or play outside without supervision. If they forgot their lunch, we took it to them. If they left their homework at home, we took it to school. We began to make every decision for them and protect them from every consequence. We began to feel the “parent peer pressure” for our children to be the best and the greatest. If they graduated from college and couldn’t find a job, they came home to live and thus the term “boomerang” generation was born.

How do you walk the tightrope of helicopter parenting?

How do we raise our children in this frightening world without overprotecting them from the disappointments and trials of life? What are the long-term risks of helicopter parenting? Combine a little of the 50’s parenting, some of the 80’s style of parenting, and a very small amount of the 21st century parenting for the perfect parenting balance. There’s a fine line between cautious parenting and being a helicopter mom.

Ask yourself this question–Do you want your children to be independent successful adults or do you want them living in your basement for years and years depending on you to pay their bills and take care of them? Is it conceivable they will be going off to college and surviving alone, or calling you every day crying for help, or needing assistance with every life task? Will they be running home because they simply can’t survive without you?

My guess–your answers to every one of these questions would be a resounding NO! 

parenting

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

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goodbye-1180709-640x480

Yes. It’s that time of year again. Parents are trekking hundreds and even thousands of miles to drop off their students at college. For most it’s bittersweet. For moms, it’s a tornado churning inside our hearts. On one hand we are happy for our children. They are now grown up (or so they say) and ready to venture out into the world. On the other hand, our hearts are breaking. The years have flown by and we aren’t quite ready to say goodbye. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Wasn’t it only yesterday that we brought them home from the hospital. They were so small and helpless. When they grabbed our finger and smiled we melted. We wanted to give them everything and we wanted them to have every one of their dreams come true.

And then, the toddler years arrived. With all the “nos” and the “mine” and the dreaded potty training. Most of us felt there would be nothing worse than this. Temper tantrums ruled our house and don’t even get me started on the bedtime tug of war.

But then, they grew up to be teenagers. And we longed for the terrible twos again. During the teen years, we often found ourselves longing for the day when they would leave home. Can college come soon enough? Especially during the summer after high school graduation. Tempers flared, doors were slammed and we wondered just who was living in our house.

Where did the time go? In a few days or weeks, you will be saying goodbye to that child you raised and he or she will be leaving a huge hole in your heart. In spite of it all, you will miss them terribly. And don’t even think they won’t miss you. They may put on a brave front, pull away from the hugs, and hold back the tears, but it will be just as hard for them as it is for you.

It won’t be long before you get the phone call, “Mom, I need . . . “. And once again, you will be aware that it doesn’t really matter what age they are, they will always be your little girl or boy.

Congratulations to every parent who will be dropping off their child at college soon. Hold on to the memories. Believe it or not, they will comfort you in the months ahead.

admissions, college prep, parenting, podcasts

College-What I Know Now That I Didn’t Know Then

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college

Today my daughter turns 35. It seems like yesterday we were visiting and applying to colleges. Since then, she graduated with a Bachelors and a Masters in Marketing. She has two wonderful boys and the life she always hoped for.

From the time she was small, she dreamed of going to college in Boston. It’s a mystery why she chose that city. We had never visited there. The only tie she had to it was from a movie that mentioned Boston University. I say this to make a point—college was always in her future. She worked hard during high school and got the grades and multiple scholarships to attend college in Boston.

But if I knew then what I know now, we would have done things differently.

Establish a relationship with your high school counselor early

High school counselors are invaluable resources for scholarships, college information, volunteer opportunities and as a reference. My daughter barely knew her counselor and when we needed help, it was a struggle. A relationship would have made things so much easier.

Use all four years of high school to get ready for college

We waited until senior year to start preparing for college. Needless to say, it was a train wreck. Between all her senior activities, trying to visit colleges, testing, applying for scholarships, and applying to colleges we were both stressed and irritable. Some of those tasks can be done before senior year, even during freshman year. Plan ahead.

Study for the PSAT

My daughter did not study for the PSAT. We had no idea what was at stake with this test. If she had studied, she could have qualified as a National Merit semi-finalist and finalist. This would have meant full-ride scholarships and more at numerous colleges throughout the country.

Visit every college you apply to

This was a tough lesson to learn. My daughter applied to numerous colleges without visiting. After being awarded a full-ride scholarship at one of them, we visited. She immediately hated the campus and the entire college setting. It was disappointing for me, as a parent knowing this college would have meant no debt. But it would have been worse if she had gone there and dropped out freshman year.

Spend time writing and rewriting the college essay

The essay is your best chance to give the colleges a picture of who you are. There are so many available essay coaches online and free essay help available. I wish we had taken advantage of those opportunities.

Don’t apply to colleges that aren’t within your financial reach

When my daughter received an acceptance from her dream college without any financial aid we knew it was impossible for her to attend. We were anticipating scholarship money to assist us but when it didn’t come through, she was devastated. Do your homework and look at the colleges financial aid profiles. If they award a small percentage of aid and you can’t afford it without it, don’t apply.

Apply early to get the best financial aid

The early bird gets the worm with financial aid. My daughter applied regular admission and her dream college had already dispersed aid by the time they received her application. If I had known then what I know now, she would have applied for early decision.

Start applying for scholarships early

We waited until senior year to apply for scholarships. It was a struggle working all the senior activities in and finding time to apply for scholarships. There are scholarships for all ages—start early.

Appeal the award letter and ask for more money

With several full-ride scholarship offers we could have used them to ask for more aid from her first and second choice college. We didn’t ask for more money from any of the colleges and we didn’t appeal any of her awards. It was a huge financial mistake.

Only apply for federal student loans and know your repayment options

We followed this advice in college, but when she decided to get her master’s degree, she took out private student loans. These loans, combined with her federal loans, put a financial burden on her after graduating. It was difficult to pay them back early in her career and she had to file deferments several times, extending the time and interest on the loans. She made the mistake of not investigating repayment amounts before signing for those loans.

Roommate issues can be the worst part of college

I had no idea the drama that would ensue with college roommates. There were tears, anger, frustration and cries to come home early. If she would have discussed these issues with the RA or dealt with the conflict early, it would have saved both of us a ton of heartache.

As you can see, I’ve learned quite a bit since her college years. If you have a question about any of this advice or any other college-related question, feel free to leave a comment. We parents have to stick together.

parenting, websites

17 Things You Need to Do Before College-FREE WEBINAR

before college

Harlan Cohen, New York Times bestselling author of The Naked Roommate: 107 Other Issues You Might Run Into College and The Naked Roommate: For Parents Only! is hosting LIVE webinars for college-bound students and their parents.

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college prep, parenting, Uncategorized

Dear Middle School Student . . .

middle school student

It’s time for a serious talk. As a middle school student, you might think that college is far away in the distance and you will think about it when you’re in high school. But nothing could be further from the truth. In middle school you’re on the launching pad–preparing for takeoff. If you are serious about college-and a national survey says 92% of middle schoolers are—there’s no time like the present to get in the college mindset.

With this in mind, ask yourself these questions:

What are my goals?

How do your interests translate into a college and career plan? Do you have any career aspirations at this point or are you still keeping your options open? Even though you might not know yet, you can begin to formulate a plan to find out. Volunteer or shadow someone with a career that interests you. If you have hobbies, how will that translate into a career goal or college major? While in middle school, set your sights on the future and set some easily attainable goals.

Am I serious about my grades?

Academic success is a crucial factor in a college application. While colleges don’t look at middle school grades, good grades allow you to sign up for advanced courses in high school. If you aren’t serious in middle school, it’s going to be hard to change that pattern in high school. Commit to excellence in every class. This commitment will pay off when you enter high school and start applying to college.

Do I have a good study plan?

You need good time management and study skills to succeed in high school and college. Middle school is the perfect environment to focus on good study habits. Set up a study space, agree on a study schedule, and gather the necessary study materials before school begins. When school starts, get help if needed and communicate with your parents if you are struggling so they can make arrangements for a tutor. Don’t wait until you are drowning to ask for help.

Am I taking the right courses to prepare for college?

The courses you take in middle school will prepare you for high school. Take math and science courses that prepare you for advanced courses in high school. In addition, take English every year, as many history classes as possible, any computer courses that are offered, and foreign language electives. If you are interested in music, sports, or art, middle school is the time to explore those interests. In order to take the advanced courses in high school that colleges require, prepare for those in middle school.

Am I organized or is my room a disaster area?

The floor in your room is not a filing cabinet or a landing zone. Start now by developing good organizational habits. There will be scholarship applications, college information, standardized test information, school calendars, and more. Practicing good habits in middle school will prepare you for all the information you will receive in high school.

Am I reading?

Everyone reads, but is reading a priority? Reading is the best preparation for standardized testing and high school reading assignments. Reading also improves vocabulary and writing skills. Get your family involved by reading the same book and having a discussion or adding vocabulary words to the family dinner discussion. Summer is the best time to dive in to a summer reading program.

Am I involved in extracurricular activities?

Middle school is the perfect time to start exploring extracurriculars. Once you find one that interests you, you can carry it on into high school. Colleges look for consistency in this area and if you find your interest in middle school, you can begin your high school years focused and committed to that one activity.

How do I plan to pay for college?

Paying for college shouldn’t be your parents’ sole responsibility. There’s no time like the present to start applying for scholarships. There are scholarships for all ages and if you get a head start now, that free money will add up. Start asking for money for gifts and special occasions and add it to a 529 savings plan that your parents can set up for you. You don’t have to be legal age to work. Spend summers babysitting, mowing lawns, pet sitting and any other job that young teenagers can do. Add that to your savings account.

Research shows that students who are financially invested in the cost of their degree are more successful in college. Don’t rely solely on your parents to pay—make it your goal to contribute.

Have I visited any colleges?

It’s never too early to visit colleges. You don’t have to be a prospective student to visit. Plan some nearby college visits. It can be a family affair; even a mini-vacation. Early college visits will help you get accustomed to the college environment and a feel for what college life is like.

Are my friends motivated toward this same goal?

Friends are a huge factor in college aspirations. Consequently, start now by choosing those friends who are committed to academics and focused on future goals. When you and your friends are like-minded, you can encourage one another and motivate each other toward success. The wrong friends can certainly have a negative effect on your middle school experience.

It’s hard to look ahead four years and imagine graduating from high school. But, take it from a parent of two college graduates, the time will fly by. You can enter your senior year prepared and confident that you have planned for that inevitable day or you can be one of those students who starts panicking before graduation, knowing he has no plan or goal for the future. It’s entirely up to you.

Plan for the future but enjoy the journey!

college prep, parenting

Get Ready for College: It’s Going to be a Bumpy Ride!

 

ready for college

Your child going away to college is likely to bring a mixture of emotions. You might be proud, upset and overwhelmed all at one time. So, you need to make sure you prepare and plan to help them (and yourself) through it. Here are some tips that might help you get ready for college:

Accommodations

One of the key things you need to think about when it comes to college life is accommodations. Where will your student live while attending college? Will he live in the dorm? Will he live off campus? Will he live at home and commute? You should sit down and discuss his options. Once you decide, act quickly. On campus housing goes quickly, so be prepared to sign up as soon as your student accepts an offer of admission. If your student is living off campus, investigate options early. Housing off campus also fills up quickly.

Finances

Paying for college and tuition fees will be a huge expense. If you want your child to go to a good school, it’s going to cost you. Many parents like to start saving when they’re children are born, and will set up a college fund. But, you also need to be aware of the fact that this might not always be possible. In some scenarios, you’re not going to have the money saved, and this is when you need financial support. This is where things like AES loans come in handy. Make sure you assess everything as a family and decide on the best loan for your child’s education and future.

Nerves

Everyone is going to have nerves in this sort of scenario. You may be nervous about what the future holds for your child. But, think about how nervous they are going to be as they’ll actually be going through it! It’s important to try to remain calm and to be there to offer advice. Your child is going to have questions for you, and will look to you for support. It’s up to you to calm their nerves (and your own) by offering advice and support. Being nervous is natural with any big life change, and this is something you need to make sure you address.

Make Sure They’re Happy

It’s important to make sure your child is happy with this upcoming chapter in their life. You need to make sure that college is something they want to do. It’s crucial that they’re in the best possible frame of mind, so you need to keep an eye out for any pre-college anxiety. Going away to college is a big step in life and something they need to adapt to. And the only way of ensuring that is to make sure they are perfectly placed to enjoy everything college life offers.

When your child is going off to college, there are going to be a lot of things to address. And, as the parent, you should take responsibility for many of them. You have to make sure that you help your child choose the right college and major. And you need to make sure you address issues of finances and accommodations. If you can focus on these, your child’s transition to college should be smooth.

parenting

Teaching Basic Skills to Prepare for College

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basic skills

Many people are under the impression that college is the place where teens generate their life skills. But this couldn’t be further from the truth. College is the place where they will face their greatest test. Here they’ll be exposed to alcohol and drugs. And here, they’ll have to organize their own time in the way that they see fit. They need basic skills to prepare for college.

The way that they respond to that new environment is a function of everything that has come before. It’s all the preparation that goes on in their teen years that will determine whether college is a success or not. That’s why it’s so important to start building their life skills early on. Otherwise, they’ll do what so many college dropouts do: arrive at college and practice risky behavior. And then wonder why they didn’t pass any of their midterm exams.

Study Skills

The whole point of going to college is to study. It’s at college where we are supposed to build up our skills and become valuable to employers. But, as discussed, many young people squander the opportunity. Often it’s because they’ve been pushed into doing degrees they don’t want to do. But most of the time it just comes down to the fact that they still feel as if education is something being done to them. Now’s their chance to rebel, and they take it.

As parents, it’s important not to force education on children. It should be something that arises out of their natural interest in the world around them. Yes, there will be times when they are growing up when they won’t want to study. But the aim should be to make study something to be enjoyed, not forced.

A Sense Of Community

 

Too many young people these days are focused on themselves. And, given the pressure to do well in education, can you blame them? One of the consequences of this is that they are not focused on the world or the community around them. At college, this means that teens make it harder to make friends and establish satisfying relationships. That’s why teen mission trips can be so useful. Here teens learn about concepts of justice and fairness. And they get to interact with other people in their community and do their bit for the environment.

Cooking

Teens are used to having food prepared for them. And that’s all well and good – until, of course, they go to college. Once they get there, their inability to cook really begins to show. And this then means that they end up spending money on takeaways and putting on weight.

Cooking is an essential life skill. It’s something we all need to master if we’re going to lead longer and healthier lives. And it’s something that’s crucial for young people when they get to college. Food is an important part of our culture. And so students who can cook are often at the centre of student social life.

Being able to cook your own food at college can also be a great comfort. You get to eat homemade meals away from home with the added bonus of saving money.

college prep, parenting

Helping Students to Actively Participate at College

 

college

The college experience is – mostly – about learning. But when you look at the graduates that excel in their careers, they have something else in common other than good grades. The vast majority were active participants at their colleges. They got involved in many areas, made connections, and it gave them a more solid foundation to embrace life’s challenges.

The big question is, how can you teach your child to embrace college life in the same manner? Given that participating more can have such a positive effect, it’s something every parent should consider. The good news is that you can ready your children from an early age, and we’re going to reveal some excellent ideas for you right now. Let’s get started!

Extracurricular activities

Giving your child a great school education is vital, of course. But, you should also get them involved with extracurricular activities – as many as possible. It could be sports, or music, or drama – or a combination of each of them. There are many benefits. They will develop their confidence, learn how to be a team player, and there’s a positive social impact, too. Plus, it will get them used to learning new skills outside of the classroom environment. When it comes to college, they will be ready to involve themselves in all kinds of groups, from political debating to deep sea diving. It’s all there for them to experience – you just have to give them the confidence to branch out. 

Fundraising and community work

Most parents get involved with fundraising and community events for their children’s school. However, it’s a necessity, of course. Parent volunteers raise money for all kinds of things, from contributing to school trip costs to paying for new classroom desks. But, why not give your kids the opportunity to get involved, too? Colleges, just like schools, are communities. And preparing your kids to be involved with the school community will give them the experience they need to do the same at college. It readies them for participation and helps them understand the benefits of being a key player.

Communication

Not all kids are natural communicators. The trouble is that if your children can’t communicate or ask questions in class, they won’t get the most out of their education. It’s nothing to do with being shy, or introverted – although, clearly, this will have an impact of sorts. It’s more about teaching your children the value of asking questions, and helping them be more confident to speak out. So, try giving your child lessons in one of the performing arts – music or drama, for example. Even dancing can help kids overcome shyness. As a result, it will help them feel good about speaking up in class, and will put them on the road to becoming an active classroom participant.  

There you have it – three strategies you can use to encourage more participation at college. Embracing college life has so many benefits for your kids, and it is essential that you can give them the skills they need. As you can see, it doesn’t take all that much to give them that helping hand!