Category Archives: parenting

college guidance, college planning, parenting

Watch for Pre-College Anxiety This Summer

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pre-college anxiety

High school graduation is here and parents are proudly snapping photos, bragging about which college their student will attend, and basking in the fact that they raised a successful high school graduate. Then comes the summer before college . . .

Right now, your student is probably looking forward to “gelling” during the summer: spending time with friends free from the worries and stresses of the past year. Some students will be looking forward with anticipation to the fall and becoming a college student. But others might be experiencing noticeable pre-college anxiety about this next big step.

It happened in my house. My daughter dreamed of going to college in Boston. She worked hard during high school and her dream became a reality. The campus was gorgeous, the academics were superb, and the student body was a perfect fit for her. The icing on the cake was the many Greek organizations on campus. Her grandmother was a Zeta and she always dreamed of following in her footsteps in college.

But as the summer dragged on, I began to notice measurable hesitancy on her part. She didn’t want to discuss the topic of college. She started voicing thoughts of transferring after the first semester to a college in her home state. She didn’t want to start discussing dorm specifics or communicate with her future roommate. What was happening?

If you start seeing any red flags like these, you should ask yourself, “What’s really going on?” Is it simply nervousness related to the change? Is there another person or persons influencing her sudden change in mood or direction? Is she truly changing her mind about college and you need to discuss other options with her?

Once you diagnose the problem, it should be easier to determine what action you need to take.

I’ve outlined the six red flags in this article I wrote for Teen Life Magazine: Watch for These 6 Red Flags the Summer Before College. If your student is exhibiting any of these symptoms, take action. Don’t assume they will pass. Start a non-judgmental conversation and listen to what he is feeling.

My daughter and I were able to find the cause of her problem and I was able to ease her concerns. Just because the decision was made in May to go to college, keep an eye out during the summer before college for any signs of pre-college anxiety.

book reviews, parenting

10 Books for Parents of Soon-to-Be College Students

 

books for parentsIt’s graduation gift time. High school students are graduating with aspirations of college in the fall. Graduation gift guides are dominating the online world. But why not treat yourself to a few gifts that will help you with the transition from high school to college?

These books for parents should provide great summer reading and future reference as your teen heads to college in the fall:

Naked Roommate: For Parents Only

If your child is starting life in college, there’s a surprise around every corner…But that doesn’t mean you can’t be prepared! This book is a witty and wise guide to everything you need to know about the college experience. Harlan Cohen, America’s most trusted college life expert, delivers the best advice, facts, stats, tips, and stories from parents, students, and experts across the country to ensure that you and your child will have an incredible and meaningful college experience.

 

Parents of College Students Survival Stories

Wendy David-Gaines, the author, is famous for exposing the cliches about college. After giving the cliche, she gives you the “POCS reality”. In her book, Wendy does this effectively by compiling actual parent stories. The stories (both from pre-POCS and POCS) are simple, light-hearted, often humorous and an easy read. But here’s the clincher–they provide parents with added insight into each individual situation.

 

University Parent Guide to Supporting Your Student’s Freshman Year

This guide is divided into time segments throughout your student’s first year of college: summer, early fall, late fall, and spring. Each division provides parents with all the information they need help their student through each segment of the first year of college.

The summer segment (Get Ready), deals with topics related to the changes you will face as your role changes, what to expect at orientation, roommates, budgeting, and campus culture. The fall segment (Settling In), discusses topics like move-in day, greek life, parent visits, and how to deal with struggling students. The late fall segment (Adjusting), deals with care packages, holidays, diet and exercise, studying abroad. The spring segment (Looking Forward), talks about sophomore topics like housing, student stress, transferring and student loans. The final chapter gives you areas to write down phone numbers, important dates and a typical 4-year checklist.

 

Secrets of a Financial Aid Pro

Jodi Okun’s book launched today and the presales put it on the Amazon #1 Best Seller list. This book is more than help for financial aid questions. In it you can find out how to give your student the financial skills they’ll need for life, with talking points and scripts to help you with important conversations you need to have before college. Jodi provides parents with expert advice and in this book shares her experiences of helping parents pay for college.

 

Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years

This bestselling guide has already helped hundreds of thousands of parents over the past decade, and it remains one of the best guides for parents of new college students. Now in its fourth edition, this guide is based on the real-world experiences of students and parents. It’s filled with practical, compassionate, and timely college tips for parents going through the college experience.

 

Don’t Tell Me What to Do, Just Send Money: The Essential Parenting Guide to the College Years

This book offers a whimsical, humorous, but also practical guide for parents with college-bound children. Featuring real-life examples and dialogues, the author provides parents with need-to-know fundamentals as their student goes off to college.

 

You’re On Your Own (But I’m Here if You Need Me)

Many parents struggle with setting the appropriate boundaries for their college students and this book can be a big help. Marjorie Savage has some of the best college tips for parents on how to respect a student’s boundaries while still providing emotional support.

 

From Mom to Me Again

When her children left for college, Melissa Shultz was certain that she had prepared them well for their new lives-but her own life was a different matter entirely. Her house was empty, her purpose unclear. If her life was no longer dominated by the day-to-day demands of being “Mom,” then who exactly was she? And how would she ever move forward? Shultz’s struggle with the empty nest and the transformation of her marriage, friendships, career, and ultimately herself, is part memoir and part self-help guide.

 

How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success

In this book, Julie Lythcott-Haims draws on research, on conversations with admissions officers, educators, and employers, and on her own insights as a mother and as a student dean to highlight the ways in which overparenting harms children, their stressed-out parents, and society at large. While empathizing with the parental hopes and, especially, fears that lead to overhelping, Lythcott-Haims offers practical alternative strategies that underline the importance of allowing children to make their own mistakes and develop the resilience, resourcefulness, and inner determination necessary for success.

 

Debt Free U

Zac Bissonnette has seen the currently flawed system first hand. He’s a contrarian, and his book is packed with studies and statistics to back up his analysis. It’s a magical combination that college-bound students and their parents should read, even if there’s plenty of money set aside to pay the tuition tab. There’s no harm in learning ways to get the biggest bang for your buck and the best education available at the same time.

parenting

How to Discuss Risky Behavior in College Without Lecturing

 

risky behavior

Graduation day is approaching for parents of high school seniors. It’s been a long four years. The last year has been especially trying (and exciting) for those parents whose teens are heading for college after graduation.

With all the college preparations ahead this summer, there is an uncomfortable, and often dreaded, task of talking about college drinking, hooking up, and other risky behavior. Let’s face it: no teenager wants to be lectured. Especially when she is on the cusp of becoming an adult (or so she thinks). Ask any teenager and they will tell you parents are experts at lecturing. Most tune it out (so they say) because for the last 18 years they have been told what to do and what not to do.

Knowing this, how do you discuss risky behavior in college without lecturing?

Listen. It’s hard to do in the fast paced world we live in. But find a time when your teen likes to talk. For my daughter it was while she was getting dressed to go out with friends. I sat in her room and listened to her talk about life, love, and other teenage passions. I not only listened, I learned a lot—about her dreams, her friends, her fears and yes, her behavior.

Next, open a discussion. Once the topic of risky behavior comes up, whatever it may be, the door is opened. For my son, he was telling me about one of his friends that was high all the time. Instead of lecturing him about the “dangers of drug abuse”, I asked him what he thought about it. He was more than willing to discuss it and that gave me the opportunity to share my opinion without lecturing.

Finally, look for opportunities to insert advice into the conversations you have with your teen. This may be while watching a television program, at the dinner table, in the car after a movie, or after a long night out with friends. I found both my children were willing to “spill the beans” after coming home from a date or a night out with friends. Take advantage of their willingness to talk.

Your teen will observe risky behavior before going to college. You can bank on it. How she or he views that behavior will determine how they respond when they are alone at college. Your observations and your non-lecturing advice will be valuable and, believe it or not, remembered when they find themselves in risky situations.

Teenagers (and adults) dread those words, “We need to talk”. Avoid lecturing at all costs. Insert your wisdom and advice into the opportune moments instead. Be stealth. Be sneaky. But most of all, be their parent.

To prepare yourself for these conversations, check out these blog posts:

Talking to Your Student About Drinking in College

Top 10 Things Every Parent Should Know about “Hooking Up”

college planning, college prep, parenting

Who Says Moms Don’t Work?

 

moms

This article originally appeared on Smart College Visit as my Parent College Coach Tip of the week. 

George W. Bush got some flack over comments he made during a Presidential debate regarding his presidency—“it’s hard work”. Mainly because he said it over and over again. If you’re the mom of a college-bound teen you know how he feels—“it’s hard work”. Moms deserve a medal and more than one special day a year. After dealing with conflict, emotions, stress and tough decisions during college prep it’s easy to be overwhelmed and exhausted.

Who says moms of college-bound teens don’t work? Most have two jobs–one in the home and one in the workforce!

Here are 20 jobs every mom of a college-bound student performs.

  1. Head Cheerleader and College Coach
  2. Organization Expert (for all the high school awards, past essays, report cards, and college material)
  3. Taxi Driver (to and from sporting events and college fairs)
  4. Life Coach (guiding to make the right college choice based on fit)
  5. Anger Management Coach (during the many heated discussions over college)
  6. Family Therapist (intervention at least once a week}
  7. Errand Runner (for all those college-related tasks)
  8. English Teacher (specializing proofreading and editing of essays)
  9. Finance Manager (planning for all college costs)
  10. Personal Assistant (staying on top of deadlines, application submissions, test prep booking)
  11. Personal Shopper (preparing for the inevitable move-out day)
  12. Travel Agent (making arrangements for all college visits)
  13. Event Coordinator (specializing in all senior celebrations)
  14. Sleep Scientist (making sure your teen gets enough sleep and providing late night study support as needed)
  15. Safety Patrol (watching for any risky behavior to address before college)
  16. PhD in Reverse Psychology (especially before and after the college decision)
  17. Separation Anxiety Counselor (preparing for college move-in day)
  18. Parent Mediator (running interference between all the well-meaning advice and what your teen really wants and needs)
  19. Scholarship Coach (this will require many hours of searching and constant motivation)
  20. Investment Counselor (completing the FAFSA, deciphering the award letter, deciphering student loans based on college ROI)

After reading these tasks, no wonder you’re exhausted! But one day, your teen will appreciate everything you did for him. One day.

 

parenting

The 5 Sources of Help for College Students

 

college students

Going away to college can be one of the most exciting times in the lives of both student and parent. It is a time for your college students to find their feet, their own voice, and begin a journey of independence. Many children long to be older and more independent, but fail to realize the real implications. They may chase more responsibilities or greater independence only to find that they cannot cope. A bad situation can quickly become worse if they fail to admit their mistake or feel shame in seeking help. We can be guilty of this as fully fledged adults too! Before your child goes away to college or early on in their college career, it can be helpful to make them aware of help that is available. That way they need not feel embarrassed about constantly contacting you and can seek some help through their own initiative too. It is important to discuss the fact that asking for help is not an admission of defeat. It is not a sign of weakness or childishness. Asking for help can be one of the bravest things we can do. It is a sign of maturity to acknowledge when you are struggling and taking steps to address it.

There are many problems your child might encounter during the course of a degree or qualification. Problems can be financial, emotional, physical and more. But there is a greater range of help available than ever before, from trained professionals to peer support groups. Read on to discover the sources that you and your child can rely on when you need to.

Student Unions

Many colleges and institutions have what are known as student unions. They are often located in a physical building that is used for socializing, meetings, workshops and more. What many students and their parents don’t know is that student unions provide far more than just campus fun. They can offer counseling services, financial advice, accommodation suggestions and more. Becoming familiar with your student union and the services it offers can save a lot of time and energy. You or your child may be trying desperately to find a reliable source of advice on a topic. But the student union may have the information right on your doorstep, so to speak. Because student unions are often fun and organizing parties and events, it can be easy to overlook their serious side. The best student unions are designed to protect, advise and represent students. Not just entertain them! If you or your child are experiencing doubts or problems relating to the student experience, don’t hesitate to contact the union. If they don’t have the answers, they can easily put you in touch with someone that will.

Churches and Inter-Faith Groups

Many people are spiritual without considering themselves religious. Equally, many people have been brought up with religion but “lost touch” with it as they get older. Many student churches and organizations fully recognize these circumstances. More than ever before, their events are open to people who want to explore faith or just be in a non-judgmental, welcoming environment. Churches, meditation groups, or inter-faith organizations can be an overlooked source of emotional support. They often offer services and support groups for students feeling lonely, homesick or isolated. This may be because of their faith, or it may be another reason. But many students find great help and solace in exploring their faith or simply mixing with students on a more spiritual path.

Academic Support Services

Support for studying can take many forms. Many students find themselves struggling to adapt to a higher level of academic study. This is normal but it does need to be addressed quickly for a successful time studying. Students should be aware that questions and seeking clarification is encouraged. They should never feel embarrassed or hesitant to ask tutors for further advice or guidance. Many tutors even hold after class sessions for students to discuss their concerns outside of class. It can be intimidating to ask a question with a whole class’ eyes on you. But tutors can meet during office hours or in small groups. Academic support can also come in the form of reputable internet services and support groups. Some websites provide a term paper writing service. These can be used as essay guidance or inspiration, and can be tailored to meet specific needs. Academic support is what every university and institution should be proud to provide. Encourage your child that a student should never feel afraid to ask how to improve his or her learning.

Law Enforcement

Campus security needn’t only be a source of help during genuine emergencies. College life should also include a greater level of self-awareness and safety. It is more important than ever for a student who is away from home to be vigilant. They will need to protect themselves, their property, and be aware of their rights. Many police precincts and officers will give special talks to students on safety and even how to make a complaint. There are often numbers to ring in case of non-emergencies but that still require attention. It can be easy to overlook the police as a worst case scenario. But new students should take advantage of the specific support and advice they can offer them.

Doctors

Many new students inevitably find themselves sick in the early weeks of term. The stress of being away from home, mixing with others at close range, and even a different climate can take its toll. But doctors don’t only offer advice for when we’re seriously ill. Doctors also give advice on sleep hygiene, preventative measures, and sexual health, for example. They can put us in touch with other professionals like nutritionists or physiotherapists too. Instead of typing symptoms into a search engine, more of us should rely on the advice of training professionals. Students should know that they are never wasting a doctor’s time by visiting. Putting their mind at ease can be very important and save a lot of time, energy, and disturbed sleep. Doctors can give confidential advice and help us to take better care of ourselves at any age. Encourage your child to register with a local doctor as soon as they arrive and they will always feel more in control of their body and health.

college guidance, college prep, parenting

How to Know If Your Teen is Ready for College Without Asking

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ready for college

Yes. You could come out and ask the question. But the odds are your teen probably doesn’t know; and even if he does answer, it might not be an honest one. It might be what he thinks you want to hear. Your child needs some “mean” emotional skills before move-in day, as evidenced by all the college kids calling their parents to say, “I don’t like it here. Can I come home?”

How do you know if your teen is ready for college? Ask yourself some questions and be honest about the answers. The answers to these questions will be a good indicator about whether or not your teen is ready for college or could use some help getting prepared. You have the summer to help him practice these important independent life skills.

Does he know how to self-advocate?

It could happen on the first day of college. Your student needs help. He needs to speak with an advisor. Talk with a professor. Have a conversation with the RA. If he constantly runs to you for help in high school, how will he ever learn to advocate for himself? Colleges expect students to handle these situations by themselves. If he can’t deal with problems now, it’s a good indicator he won’t be able to handle them in college.

Does he know how to resolve conflict?

Roommate conflict is the number one reason students are unhappy the first few weeks of college. Being placed with a roommate that does not match your student’s personality and habits can be overwhelming. Conflict arises daily in college: with friends, with professors, with administration. If he goes to college without this emotional skill he will be more likely to “phone home” asking for help every time a conflict with someone arises.

Does he make friends easily and possess the necessary social skills?

Students who sit in their room alone day after day will not survive in college. They need a support group: friends to turn to when they are homesick or struggling. The social aspect of college is key to surviving four years away from home. Going to college far from the comfort of home and not knowing anyone can be a deal-breaker for the shy, uninvolved student.

Does he know how to recognize and avoid risky behavior?

There are going to be opportunities in college to participate in dangerous behavior: drinking, drugs, hooking up, and reckless driving to name a few. Students often see college as an opportunity to participate in activities that parents would not encourage while they are living at home. Does he have the tools to recognize and avoid the consequences of these behaviors?

Has he been away from home for an extended period of time?

So many first time college students have never been away from home without parents. A few weeks away from home gives them a taste of what life is like on their own. If your student has never been away from home or on his own, college will be a difficult adjustment.

Preparing your student for the emotional aspect of college will be best for him and for you. If he’s ready to venture out on his own, you will be less stressed about dropping him off on move-in day. And you most likely won’t receive the dreaded phone call: “I want to come home.”

admissions, college planning, parenting

10 Things to Do After National College Decision Day

 

NATIONAL COLLEGE DECISION DAYIt’s that time of year again. May 1 is approaching and for parents of seniors it’s THE DAY that their student’s hard work is finally realized. National College Decision Day is the day your student has to decide which college they will attend. For some, it will be an easy decision. For others, like my daughter, it will be an excruciating one.

My daughter waited until the last minute—the very last minute—to decide. She was torn between two very similar colleges: one in her home state of Texas and one thousands of miles away in Massachusetts. Both offered the same financial aid, the same course curriculum, the same campus setting, and Greek life (#1 on her list). The final dealmaker was location. She had always wanted to attend college in Boston and that’s what tipped the scale.

Once your student has decided which offer of admission to accept, it’s time for celebration. It’s a time to look ahead, savor all the hard work, and prepare for the next few months. Here are ten things you should do after the decision is made:

  1. Prepare for buyer’s remorse

Even if your son or daughter is sure about their college choice, buyer’s remorse will set it at some point during the next few months. It’s that overwhelming feeling that perhaps they choose the wrong college or made the wrong decision. It’s that feeling that perhaps they don’t want to leave home after all because of a) their friends, b) their boyfriend or girlfriend, or c) they are terrified to be on their own. Don’t react, just listen. They have to work through their anxiety.

  1. Plan for orientation-both student and parents

It’s time to get the calendar out and look at student/parent orientation dates. This is one event neither you nor your student want to miss. Parents learn valuable information at orientation and students make much-needed connections with other students. Orientation will help your student ease into college life and help you cope as they make the move from home to independent living.

  1. Keep looking for scholarship money

You may have a financial aid package in line, but you should never stop looking and applying for scholarships. College is expensive and even those $500 awards will add up. All throughout college your student should continue applying for scholarships.

  1. Prepare for fall registration

It’s time to pour over the course catalog and academic requirements. Check out the college’s AP policies, which vary quite a bit from college to college. Your child still has time to sign up for May or June SAT II tests in preparation for fall registration. Official scores for these tests, however, will need to be sent to the college so they will have them on record when registering for classes.

  1. Expect your emotions to be all over the place

By the end of the summer, you may be counting the days until your teenager leaves for college. Typically they become moody, argumentative and begin exerting what they feel is logical independence. There will be times when you wish they were already gone, and times when you wish they would never leave. It’s a whirlwind of conflicted emotions and every parent experiences them. Just as your student is working through this life change, you are coming to grips with it as well.

  1. Book parents weekend now

This may sound like crazy advice, but if there’s one thing you do in this list—do this. Hotels fill up quickly for parents weekend, along with rental cars. Expect to pay higher than normal hotel prices because these dates happen every year and the hotels book quickly. If you are flying to the college or taking a train, book that part of the travel early as well.

  1. Look at the calendar and plan for holiday travel

If your student has to fly home or take a train, look at the academic calendar and book travel for them. Waiting until the last minute may leave your student stranded on campus or force you to pay high prices for a last minute ticket.

  1. Go shopping, but don’t overbuy

Scope out the area around the college for chains like Bed Bath and Beyond, Target or The Container Store. You can order online and arrange to pick up when you arrive at college. Wait until you know the layout of the room and your college student has had a conversation with their roommate. This will alleviate duplicate purchases and overbuying items that aren’t dorm essentials. Remember, these are “small” spaces. You and your student may be tempted to go crazy with the bling, but it’s better to wait until move in day for that.

  1. Schedule a family vacation

If possible, schedule a family vacation. It may be the only time you see your son or daughter before they leave for college. They will be bulking up on friend time, significant other time, and anything away from their parents and the family. It’s normal; they are preparing for separation.

  1. Have a serious money talk

Once the college decision is made, it’s time to reiterate what you expect them to contribute to their education financially and what you expect from them academically since you are also contributing a significant amount toward this education. Begin budgeting for expenses and discussing how they will pay for essentials during the year: either through a job or by you providing them with a monthly stipend.

 

college guidance, parenting

5 Parenting Lessons from The Hecks of “The Middle”

 

parenting lessons

If you are part of a middle class family, it’s easy to relate to the Hecks. Frankie and Mike struggle with everything middle class parents do: paying the bills, balancing expenses, and trying to raise children who aspire to college. Their parenting style is not for everyone, but within the hilarity and the sometimes questionable choices they make, we can find some relevant truth.

This show is a mirror into every parent’s struggles, battles, and parenting nightmares. Their oldest son can never get his head in the game. Their daughter lives in her own little world but strives for greatness. And their youngest son struggles with a lack of social skills. But somehow, they manage to make us laugh and cry watching their crazy life.

Watching the show for seven years, I’ve realized that Frankie and Mike can teach us a great deal about parenting. Here are five parenting lessons from “The Middle”:

  1. Find a parenting balance

Mike and Frankie’s philosophy is to let life happen. Their children often fend for themselves and are expected to remind their parents of every school activity. Because of this, it’s common for the family to be late, for the parents to forget, and for the children to miss out on opportunity. Instead of staying on top of deadlines, activities and events, they depend on their children to remind them.

Uninvolved parents are the antithesis of the helicopter parent. We should always seek a balance between the two. Stay involved enough to be the coach and the guide, but back off enough to allow your children to exert some independence.

  1. Always encourage your children to pursue their goals

The Heck’s daughter, Sue, is an extrovert and a dreamer. She dreams big, fails at most things, but continues to try. Although her parents know she’s never going to be a varsity cheerleader or homecoming queen, they never tell her to stop trying. She learns some tough lessons about life and her successes are more meaningful because she committed and never gave up.

  1. Even when it seems you’ve failed as a parent, there is always hope

The Heck’s oldest son, Axl, is a charmer, with absolutely no motivation. Try as they might, they could never seem to impress upon him the importance of doing your best and striving for excellence. Since he is a charmer, he charmed his way out of some pretty desperate situations. But as time has passed, he has grown as a person and has begun to see the potential in a college degree.

  1. Even in a family that struggles financially, college is an option

Neither Mike nor Frankie have a college education. But they knew they wanted their children to have that opportunity. Their plan for Axl was to get an athletic scholarship. For Sue, they knew her grades were her ticket and expected a good financial aid package. Both first generation students were accepted to college and received enough financial aid to attend. The parents never gave up on encouraging their children, even though they knew there would be challenges financially.

  1. Even though you can’t wait for your kids to leave for college, you will miss them when they are gone

This scenario has played out numerous times during the last few seasons. Frankie and Mike’s goal has always been for their children to finally leave home. Now that two of them have gone off to college, they are feeling the pains of the empty nest, especially with Sue. Their youngest son is still at home, but entering high school. The reality that someday soon they will be all alone is a quite an accomplishment, but it’s also a tough pill to swallow. There are days when they welcome the silence in the house, and then there are days when they worry because they haven’t heard from either child in the last 24 hours.

If you’ve never watched “The Middle” and you have college-bound teens, spend 30 minutes a week with the Hecks. You will laugh, commensurate and cry with this typical family. If you have Hulu, you can binge watch all seven seasons and watch the progression of their lives.

college guidance, parenting

Your Student May Be Headed to College, But . . .

headed to college

It’s hump day. Which means it’s the perfect day for some levity (and just a little sarcasm). If you are a parent of a college-bound teen, you will welcome levity. Especially this time of year.

It’s the time of year when tempers flare, stress reigns, and emotions collide. Many parents may find themselves looking forward to the day when their argumentative, emotional teenager moves out and heads off to college. After all, that’s when they will become an independent adult, handling their own problems.  They won’t be asking for help any longer and will not be yelling at you for all those reminders to study for the tests, write the essays, fill out the applications, and apply for scholarships.

If you believe that, you’re living in a dream world. Just because they are headed to college, they will still need you. You will receive all types of calls and texts, cementing the fact that although they are gone, they will never be able to survive without you. And most parents, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Check out this video I saw this morning that demonstrates the fact–you’re never too old or too independent to need your mother. Just click on the photo above or click here!

college guidance, parenting

How I Helped My Daughter Choose College Over a Boyfriend

 

choose college

I will never forget how it felt when my daughter announced, “I don’t think I will go away to college.” My stomach went into knots. My heart broke. My mouth dropped. Panic arose within every fiber of my being; but I didn’t speak. My mind was going in a hundred different directions; but I remained calm. Thinking back, I have no idea why I didn’t immediately start freaking out.

What would make an academically motivated, hard-working senior with a dream of attending college in Boston change her mind? A boy. What else? During the second half of her senior year she met a boy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and very romantic. He plied her with flowers, daily love notes, and phone calls declaring his love. He also began begging her to stay. It started simply with an “I will miss you” and transitioned to talk of marriage.

How could I possibly compete with the “M” word? How would I convince my daughter that college was more important than a boyfriend? How could I explain to her that he was probably the first of many and there was a big world out there waiting for her to explore?

The first step to convince her that college was the best choice, was to start a conversation. The first thing I did was ask her, “Why, after all this time, and all your hard work, would you change your mind?” At first, she gave me a multitude of excuses, from being afraid to move so far from home to missing me to having to leaver her friends. But eventually, she admitted it was her boyfriend.

Instead of bad-mouthing him and telling her he should not be pressuring her, I turned the conversation toward these three topics: the reason you wanted to go away to college, the realities of losing all your financial aid, and the importance of choosing your own path in life. After a few days of tears and logical evaluation, my arguments prevailed. She agreed to stick with the plan and go away to college.

It is important to note that I did not lose my cool. I didn’t argue. I didn’t yell. I didn’t make her feel her opinion was silly or stupid or illogical. She was now an adult and would have to make her own decisions. I simply guided her toward the right choice.

Getting her to college was one thing. I thought that once she made the decision, she would move on. But the first day of freshman week, she announced that she would give it a try and transfer if it didn’t work. Translated: if the long distance relationship doesn’t work, I will move back home and go to college there.

But I knew something she didn’t know. College offered her so much more than being stuck in a long-distance relationship with a boy who was still in high school. It wasn’t two weeks before she met someone else and decided that college was a good place after all. By the time spring break rolled around, her boyfriend was ancient history and college and its experiences became the focus of her life.