Category Archives: parenting

college guidance, parenting

Your Student May Be Headed to College, But . . .

headed to college

It’s hump day. Which means it’s the perfect day for some levity (and just a little sarcasm). If you are a parent of a college-bound teen, you will welcome levity. Especially this time of year.

It’s the time of year when tempers flare, stress reigns, and emotions collide. Many parents may find themselves looking forward to the day when their argumentative, emotional teenager moves out and heads off to college. After all, that’s when they will become an independent adult, handling their own problems.  They won’t be asking for help any longer and will not be yelling at you for all those reminders to study for the tests, write the essays, fill out the applications, and apply for scholarships.

If you believe that, you’re living in a dream world. Just because they are headed to college, they will still need you. You will receive all types of calls and texts, cementing the fact that although they are gone, they will never be able to survive without you. And most parents, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Check out this video I saw this morning that demonstrates the fact–you’re never too old or too independent to need your mother. Just click on the photo above or click here!

college guidance, parenting

How I Helped My Daughter Choose College Over a Boyfriend

 

choose college

I will never forget how it felt when my daughter announced, “I don’t think I will go away to college.” My stomach went into knots. My heart broke. My mouth dropped. Panic arose within every fiber of my being; but I didn’t speak. My mind was going in a hundred different directions; but I remained calm. Thinking back, I have no idea why I didn’t immediately start freaking out.

What would make an academically motivated, hard-working senior with a dream of attending college in Boston change her mind? A boy. What else? During the second half of her senior year she met a boy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and very romantic. He plied her with flowers, daily love notes, and phone calls declaring his love. He also began begging her to stay. It started simply with an “I will miss you” and transitioned to talk of marriage.

How could I possibly compete with the “M” word? How would I convince my daughter that college was more important than a boyfriend? How could I explain to her that he was probably the first of many and there was a big world out there waiting for her to explore?

The first step to convince her that college was the best choice, was to start a conversation. The first thing I did was ask her, “Why, after all this time, and all your hard work, would you change your mind?” At first, she gave me a multitude of excuses, from being afraid to move so far from home to missing me to having to leaver her friends. But eventually, she admitted it was her boyfriend.

Instead of bad-mouthing him and telling her he should not be pressuring her, I turned the conversation toward these three topics: the reason you wanted to go away to college, the realities of losing all your financial aid, and the importance of choosing your own path in life. After a few days of tears and logical evaluation, my arguments prevailed. She agreed to stick with the plan and go away to college.

It is important to note that I did not lose my cool. I didn’t argue. I didn’t yell. I didn’t make her feel her opinion was silly or stupid or illogical. She was now an adult and would have to make her own decisions. I simply guided her toward the right choice.

Getting her to college was one thing. I thought that once she made the decision, she would move on. But the first day of freshman week, she announced that she would give it a try and transfer if it didn’t work. Translated: if the long distance relationship doesn’t work, I will move back home and go to college there.

But I knew something she didn’t know. College offered her so much more than being stuck in a long-distance relationship with a boy who was still in high school. It wasn’t two weeks before she met someone else and decided that college was a good place after all. By the time spring break rolled around, her boyfriend was ancient history and college and its experiences became the focus of her life.

admissions, college guidance, parenting

Choosing a College–Is it 1, 2, or 3?

 

choosing a college

It’s crunch time. May 1, the deadline to make your final college choice, is upon us. For many families, they have multiple colleges to choose from. Offers of admission, along with financial aid packages, have been rolling in. Now comes the hard part: will it be 1st, 2nd, 3rd or even 4th or 5th choice when choosing a college? Will your son or daughter choose their dream college, or will they choose a college offering better aid that was further down the list.

As you’re making the decision, remember these points:

It’s not all about the money.

I know. I’ve been preaching about aid awards, comparing awards, and choosing the best financial fit. But it’s not always about the money. If you read my post about my daughter, (My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship) you will see that although the money was there, the fit was not. Ultimately the decision came down to her feelings–coupled with a logical financial plan.

The final decision has to be your child’s.

You won’t be attending college. She will. If you force a choice, the outcome will not be pretty. You will soon be getting a phone call, “I just don’t like it here”. No amount of coaxing, tough love, or putting your foot down can overshadow a college choice that you made for your daughter.

Any choice is a good choice.

If the colleges are on the list they are good choices. It’s a matter of finding that right mix of “love” and financial backing to cement the final decision.

The choices we make shape our lives.

Choices shape our lives–even the bad ones. I read an excellent article today that talked about “bashert”. The title caught my eye (How ‘Bashert’ Can Help You Survive a College Rejection) and I had to find out what bashart meant. “Bashert is a Yiddish word. The definition is “destined, fated, meant to be.” It’s the Yiddish equivalent of “que sera, sera” or what will be, will be, or destiny or fate.”

I fully concur with this philosophy. While you’re choosing a college, remember that every path takes your student down a different road of life; and, according to Robert Frost, the “road less traveled” makes all the difference. The choice may not be what you imagined but your son or daughter has to forge their own path in life.

admissions, college guidance, college planning, college prep, college transfer, community college, parenting

My Son’s Path to College Graduation Took 9 Years After High School

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This week, I will be sharing some personal stories and experiences of my own children’s path to college. I hope they help enlighten you and encourage you to help your college-bound teen.

college graduation

During his senior year of high school, my son applied to three schools: the Air Force Academy, West Point, and the Citadel. He knew he didn’t have the grades to get into these competitive colleges, but they were his dream schools. He didn’t apply anywhere else and when he was not offered admission, he decided to give up on college. He was defeated and felt he couldn’t possibly succeed. He also felt college was out of the question without scholarships and he did not bother to apply for any. Because of this, my son’s path to college graduation took nine years after high school.

Unfortunately, I was an uninformed parent. I did not know at the time there were many other options for him. He could have attended community college for a nominal cost. He could have applied rolling admission to colleges that were within our ability to pay. He could have chosen a military college and accepted an officer’s commission after graduation. But because he felt he had few options, he opted for the military, with the promise of attending college while serving.

Since he chose the Marines, he had little time to attend college. After serving his four years, he was honorably discharged and the day after leaving the Marine Corps, he began attending a state college on the G.I Bill. Unfortunately, he made a poor college choice. Based on his Marine buddies recommendations, he chose a “party” school. To make matters worse, the college was a commuter college—students went home on the weekends.

[ctt title=”Every student has a different path to college–be sensitive and be an encourager” tweet=”My son took 9 years after high school to graduate college–every student has a different path via @suzanneshaffer” coverup=”BO9db”]

After one semester, he withdrew with an absolutely disappointing 1.0 GPA. It was not that he was a poor student. He just wasn’t ready. After being told what to do for four years, he wasn’t disciplined enough to attend class, study, and participate in discussions. His plan—come home and find a full-time job. We agreed to give him six months.

After working at a minimum wage job for one year and living in a small studio apartment, it became clear to him that he needed a college education. Since his GPA would not allow him to re-enter college, he decided to attend community college, retake the same courses, bring up his GPA and transfer to a four-year college after he had met the basic requirements. Better yet, his G.I Bill and Pell Grant would cover all his tuition, making it possible to attend for two years without incurring any student loan debt.

After two years of community college, he transferred to a private college with a 4.0 GPA. Because of his excellent academic standing, he was able to secure scholarships for this college as well. After two more years, and nine years after high school, he graduated Magna Cum Laude with numerous academic merit awards. It was clear that he was capable of so much more than he thought he was in high school.

What made the difference? He was ready. After working for a year making minimum wage, he realized the importance of a college education. He made a plan and kept his eye on the prize. As he did in the Marines, he excelled in the execution of that plan and reaped the rewards of his academic commitment.

Is your teen a good student and is struggling with a college decision? Don’t be discouraged. He or she may not be ready. A gap year might be in order. Working at a trade or internship could help motivate them. For my son, the military was the best option. Whatever your teenager decides, the path he or she takes should be the path that best fits them. Forcing a student to attend college if he’s not ready will only lead to disaster: financial and personal failure.

If you think your unmotivated student has few education options after high school, think again. Community college is always an option, offering an opportunity to ease into college life. Trade schools offer a hands-on education and for some students, the best choice. There are colleges who accept applications year round, and even colleges that have a 100% acceptance rate. Just because your student does mediocre in high school, don’t assume college will be an academic repeat. If college is truly his goal, he will make it work; and he just might surprise you.

academics, college guidance, financial aid, parenting

My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship

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full-ride scholarship

 

During this financial aid award season, several years ago, my daughter had to make a difficult decision: which college would receive her acceptance of an offer of admission. Of the many colleges she applied to, they included private colleges, state universities, and trade colleges. Some offered her financial aid, others did not. It was a heart-wrenching decision for her: choose the college that offered the best financial aid package with a full-ride scholarship, choose her dream college that gapped her offering no financial aid, or choose the college that was her perfect fit.

For me, it was a no-brainer. One college offered her a full-ride scholarship, along with the major she wanted to pursue. It was in the city she wanted to live in. All the boxes were checked off. There was one problem, however. Since the college was over 2000 miles away from her home, she applied without ever visiting the campus.

Still stuck on her dream college, we scheduled college visits to the other colleges on her list. Here’s where the emotional issue of choosing a college entered into the mix. For teens, the college choice is always more emotional than practical. For parents, this factor makes it even more difficult for you to guide your student in the best decision.

After visiting three colleges in the same city, one her dream college, she was faced with a difficult choice. If it were up to her, she would have chosen her dream college. Knowing this decision would put her into debt, I was able to convince her to look at the other schools.

One of the other colleges offered her a full-ride scholarship; but when we drove onto the campus she immediately balked. Her reaction was so severe that she wouldn’t even get out of the car. My reaction—total anger and frustration. But I knew that I would regret forcing her to consider this college when she was so adamantly against it. So we drove away and moved on to the next college; knowing full well this meant she was turning her back on a full-ride scholarship.

The next college was a slam dunk. She loved the campus. She loved the tour and the students she met. She loved the location, its surroundings, and the total college experience it offered her. It was a small campus and since she would be so far away from home, it would be easier for her to assimilate in this type of environment. Since it was a liberal arts college, she could minor in English—something she had always wanted to do. The next best part, their financial aid package was doable. With her scholarships, grants and work study, she would only have to take out minimal student loans.

Seeing her turn down a full-ride scholarships was a tough pill to swallow. As her parent, I was completely focused on the financial aspect of the decision. But once I saw how excited she was about the other college and saw the smiles on her face, I knew this was the right decision.

Letting her make an emotional college choice (coupled with some financial sense) was the right decision. She flourished at that college. She met lifelong friends. She was able to get a well-rounded education and graduate with a degree that was employable. She still thanks me every day for letting her make that emotional choice and for also standing firm on the impracticality of her dream college.

Choosing a college is a highly emotional decision for your student. Your job as a parent is to guide them into a practical choice while taking into account that you want a happy student going off to college. Although financing should be a key part of the decision, it’s not always about the money.

admissions, financial aid, parenting

Wednesday’s Parent: Why Can’t I Attend My Dream College?

 

dream collegeThis past week, I’ve been discussing the financial aid awards and how they affect your student’s college choice. When those award packages arrive, it may be time for some tough love. The award may not be enough to justify sending your college-bound teen to her dream college. If your student asks this question, “Why can’t I attend my dream college?”, be prepared for an answer.

I had to answer that question when my daughter was accepted to a college she had dreamed of attending since middle school. She worked hard to be accepted and when her offer of admission arrived, she was beyond excited. Her dream had become a reality–until the award package arrived. Then, she was crushed. The only aid they offered was federal student loans. She had been “gapped” and I knew we were going to be forced to cross that college off the list. Yes. She had applied to other colleges that offered substantial aid and scholarships. Yes. They were colleges she wanted to attend. But they weren’t her first choice and her dream college was within her grasp. Or was it?

I had to have a very tough conversation with my daughter. I explained to her the cost of the college was way beyond our ability to pay. We discussed student loans, parent loans and appeals. But we both knew that racking up debt to attend was not logical or financially practical. We had placed all her dreams on financial aid and when it didn’t measure up to our expectations, we were forced to move on; with many tears, much sobbing and tremendous disappointment.

We took a look at the other offers of admission. With scholarships and aid, she would only have to take out minimal student loans; making it manageable to pay back after graduation. One college even offered a full-ride scholarship. It was clear that these colleges wanted her and demonstrated it by backing it up with generous aid packages. There were some strong contenders among the other colleges and it was time to take a second look; and we did.

We visited the colleges that offered the greatest amount of financial aid. She toured the campuses (some for the first time) and was able to see herself at two of the colleges that offered similar aid packages. What was the deciding factor? Location. She chose the college that was in the same city as her dream college. Part of the lure of the dream college was the location and since this was at the top of her list, it tipped the scales for her.

What was the outcome? She fell in love with her second choice college. It was a perfect fit for her academically, socially and financially. But the real payoff was at graduation when she had minimal student loan debt and was able to start her life without the burden of unmanageable student loan payments. Our smart decision paid off; and she understand why she could not attend her dream college.

careers, parenting

Should Every Child Go to College?

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college

I published this article about five years ago, but I feel it’s content is still true today. Too many parents push students to go to college when they are not prepared either academically, emotionally or financially. So many students go and fail because college is simply not for them.

_____________________

I read an article a few years ago in The Atlantic: “In the Basement of the Ivory Tower“, that gave me some food for thought. It’s been on my mind for quite awhile, especially since I have a close friend who is a financial aid counselor at one of those infamous “for profit” colleges.

She would answer my leading question with a loud and emphatic, “NO”, based on her experience dealing with those who are not prepared to attend college and don’t understand the consequences of borrowing money they can’t pay back. They have been convinced that without a college education, they can’t get a job or pursue a career. They’ve been told by someone that it doesn’t matter how much money you borrow as long as you get that degree. Once you get that degree you can earn enough money to pay back what you’ve borrowed. But we all know that’s not often the case.

In the above mentioned article, the English professor makes an interesting point:

America, ever-idealistic, seems wary of the vocational-education track. We are not comfortable limiting anyone’s options. Telling someone that college is not for him seems harsh and classist and British, as though we were sentencing him to a life in the coal mines. I sympathize with this stance; I subscribe to the American ideal.

Sending everyone under the sun to college is a noble initiative. Academia is all for it, naturally. Industry is all for it; some companies even help with tuition costs. Government is all for it; the truly needy have lots of opportunities for financial aid. The media applauds it—try to imagine someone speaking out against the idea. To oppose such a scheme of inclusion would be positively churlish.

I’ve come to realize that Americans truly are snobs. We brag about what we have and what we have obtained. Like it or not, we are a classist society. We snub our noses at those who haven’t been to college and brag heavily about our numerous degrees as if they are badges of honor. And while graduating from college is an accomplishment, so is learning a trade.

Often, we push our kids to attend college when we know it’s not for them. Why? Because we are a society that measures success by the number of degrees hanging on a wall or the dollar signs that can be found on our bank accounts. It is noble to dream big and education is always a noble goal. But so is being a plumber, a carpenter, a cosmetologist or a civil servant like a police officer or fireman.

What’s my point? My point is that you need to know your child. If they want to go to college and have the skills and knowledge they need to be successful there, then encourage them to go. But if they aren’t interested or motivated, save yourself some heartache, disappointment and money by letting them pursue a trade or career and even consider a college that offers both. There are so many fabulous careers out there that they can do without higher education. You will be happier, they will be happier and they will fill an important role in society. College really isn’t for child.

college planning, parenting

3 New Years Resolutions You Should Keep

 

new years resolutions

 

I’m not, nor ever have been, a fan of New Years resolutions. I like the line from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, “I like the sound of deadlines as they go whooshing by.” That’s how I feel about resolutions. Not all resolutions are bad, however. Some (the ones that are logical and attainable) can and should be kept.

Here are three resolutions you should keep if you have a college-bound teen. They are simple goals and will help make the entire college prep process less stressful and overwhelming.

Stay organized

Resolve at the beginning of the new year to stay organized. The college prep process requires organization: test registration deadlines to meet, recommendation letters to pursue, college applications to complete, financial aid to apply for, scholarships to submit applications and the mounds of college information your student will receive during the process. Whew, that was a LONG list!

Without committing to stay organized, the process becomes stressful and overwhelming. Use separate email accounts, calendar programs, file folders, usb drives, and don’t forget to create a college landing zone for everything your student receives at school that is college related.

Work as a Team

It’s impossible to expect a teenager to handle this monumental task alone. I’m not suggesting you write the essay, fill out the applications, apply for the scholarships, or make the college choices. But I am encouraging you to help with the organization, remind about the deadlines, proofread the essays, help find the scholarships, and give advice when asked.

You should also make it perfectly clear that this is their decision, but they don’t have to make it alone. If you work as a team, not only will your teenager be less stressed, but you will feel like you’re part of the process and less likely to take over.

Focus on the big picture

In the end, it won’t matter much which college your student attends. Focus on the big picture. It won’t matter what their SAT scores were or if the college has a prestigious name. Concentrate on finding the perfect fit college (the one that socially, academically, and financially fits). Then your student will have the best four years of their lives, along with an education and tons of lifelong memories and friendships.

All the best to every parent who is navigating the college maze. May 2016 be a year of success, fulfillment and absolute joy for you and your college-bound teen.

college guidance, college planning, college prep, college visits, parenting

College Planning for 2016

 

2016

With the Christmas season upon us and students out of school, it’s a good time to look at what lies ahead and make some plans to hit the ground running in January 2016.

First things first, take a look at scholarships with January deadlines. These should be at the top of your list to begin 2016. Make scholarship searching and applying a priority in 2016. Say you don’t need money for college? Everyone likes free money! The more scholarship money your student earns the less you will have to pay. Save for retirement. Take a cruise. Remodel your home. Wouldn’t you rather keep the money you saved and use it for other family expenses? It’s a no-brainer–every student should apply for scholarships.

For seniors, it’s FAFSA time. Yes. It’s the dreaded FAFSA (much like the dreaded IRS forms). Don’t procrastinate. With the FAFSA, the early bird gets the worm (or in college terms, gets the money). School award aid on a first-come, first-serve basis. Once it’s available on January 1, get that puppy done. Even if you don’t want federal aid, fill it out. Colleges use this form when awarding other types of financial aid like grants and scholarships.

For juniors, it’s SAT/ACT prep time. If you’re taking the test in 2016, you’re going to be staring the new SAT in the face: it’s going to be available in March 2016. Use the next couple of months to prepare for the test. There are free tools on line to help you study and consider hiring a tutor if you think it will help your student focus and prepare.

Don’t wait to register for these tests at the last minute. If you plan to take the tests in January, REGISTER NOW! And it it’s in the spring, register now to avoid late registration fees. For a comprehensive guide on these registration and test dates, click here.

For sophomores and juniors, it’s time to start thinking about college visits. Sophomores should plan preliminary college visits (visit some colleges to get a feel for college life and prepare a list of wants and needs). Juniors will be making visits to show the college they are interested. Sign up for the tour and schedule and interview. Colleges keep tract of these visits and it will give you an edge when your application is received.

With a new year, comes new challenges and college-related tasks. Planning in December can help you hit the ground running in January and move forward in 2016.

college planning, parenting

Words of Advice for Parents of College Bound Teens

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encourage your child
Image by Flickr

It can be a nervous time for any parent who is sending their child off to college. I know, I have done it all before myself. However, it is easy to get consumed by your own nerves that you forget to really encourage your child.

Going to college is a huge step, and if you are nervous, imagine how your child feels. As a parent, the best way you can be there for your child is to show them support. Here are some of the best ways to encourage your child throughout their college years.

Give them space

You might be dying to hear about all their activities, but your child is out to enjoy their time! Don’t pester them by constantly phoning and texting. With the occasional message you will show you are always there. Your child will then get in touch at the times when he or she needs you the most. The best thing you can do as a parent is to give them space but be there for them when they need you most.

Learn more about their course

There are so many college courses to choose from and it is hard to keep up with them all. Even if your child is studying a more traditional subject like English or History, take the time to understand their course. Find out what they are reading. Get to know what essay topics they have to write about. This way you will be able to hold an educated conversation with them about something that matters to them. You can also use this knowledge to be able to discuss their academic goals. Help them plan out the things they want to achieve during their college years and think about what sorts of grades they want.

Get to know their friends

When your child leaves home you will no longer have any control over who they hang out with. However, you can take the initiative to get to know your child’s friends. This way you understand what sort of personalities they are attracted to and what people they tend to like. Every time you visit, have a chat with their roommate. Maybe you could even take a few of their friends out for a meal or coffee. This is great too because when your child phones you to let you know what has been happening lately, you will be able to put a face to a name.

Encourage all opportunities

At college, your child is likely to be faced with an abundance of amazing opportunities. Just because you want them to stay nearby, doesn’t mean you should discourage them. Your child has to live their life in the way they want to. One of the options that may present itself could be the chance to study overseas. Many parents feel worried about sending their child off to a foreign place. But studying abroad is one of the best opportunities you can have. Your child will discover a new culture and possibly even a new language. They will find a new independence and have friends all across the globe.

Don’t voice your fears

If you are nervous about your child leaving home, don’t let it show. You might scare them more than you want to by letting your fears rub off on them. Be supportive and enthusiastic talking about all the great experiences they will find when they are away.

Teach them about money

If your child has never lived away from home, they will more than likely not have had to fend much for themselves. However, as a student you need to be able to manage a budget and know how to control your finances. Teach them how to do this. Let them understand the value of money. If you have any tips on how to save, make sure you let them know. If you help them with this, they will be able to avoid debt after graduation.