Category Archives: college guidance

college guidance, parenting

5 Parenting Lessons from The Hecks of “The Middle”

 

parenting lessons

If you are part of a middle class family, it’s easy to relate to the Hecks. Frankie and Mike struggle with everything middle class parents do: paying the bills, balancing expenses, and trying to raise children who aspire to college. Their parenting style is not for everyone, but within the hilarity and the sometimes questionable choices they make, we can find some relevant truth.

This show is a mirror into every parent’s struggles, battles, and parenting nightmares. Their oldest son can never get his head in the game. Their daughter lives in her own little world but strives for greatness. And their youngest son struggles with a lack of social skills. But somehow, they manage to make us laugh and cry watching their crazy life.

Watching the show for seven years, I’ve realized that Frankie and Mike can teach us a great deal about parenting. Here are five parenting lessons from “The Middle”:

  1. Find a parenting balance

Mike and Frankie’s philosophy is to let life happen. Their children often fend for themselves and are expected to remind their parents of every school activity. Because of this, it’s common for the family to be late, for the parents to forget, and for the children to miss out on opportunity. Instead of staying on top of deadlines, activities and events, they depend on their children to remind them.

Uninvolved parents are the antithesis of the helicopter parent. We should always seek a balance between the two. Stay involved enough to be the coach and the guide, but back off enough to allow your children to exert some independence.

  1. Always encourage your children to pursue their goals

The Heck’s daughter, Sue, is an extrovert and a dreamer. She dreams big, fails at most things, but continues to try. Although her parents know she’s never going to be a varsity cheerleader or homecoming queen, they never tell her to stop trying. She learns some tough lessons about life and her successes are more meaningful because she committed and never gave up.

  1. Even when it seems you’ve failed as a parent, there is always hope

The Heck’s oldest son, Axl, is a charmer, with absolutely no motivation. Try as they might, they could never seem to impress upon him the importance of doing your best and striving for excellence. Since he is a charmer, he charmed his way out of some pretty desperate situations. But as time has passed, he has grown as a person and has begun to see the potential in a college degree.

  1. Even in a family that struggles financially, college is an option

Neither Mike nor Frankie have a college education. But they knew they wanted their children to have that opportunity. Their plan for Axl was to get an athletic scholarship. For Sue, they knew her grades were her ticket and expected a good financial aid package. Both first generation students were accepted to college and received enough financial aid to attend. The parents never gave up on encouraging their children, even though they knew there would be challenges financially.

  1. Even though you can’t wait for your kids to leave for college, you will miss them when they are gone

This scenario has played out numerous times during the last few seasons. Frankie and Mike’s goal has always been for their children to finally leave home. Now that two of them have gone off to college, they are feeling the pains of the empty nest, especially with Sue. Their youngest son is still at home, but entering high school. The reality that someday soon they will be all alone is a quite an accomplishment, but it’s also a tough pill to swallow. There are days when they welcome the silence in the house, and then there are days when they worry because they haven’t heard from either child in the last 24 hours.

If you’ve never watched “The Middle” and you have college-bound teens, spend 30 minutes a week with the Hecks. You will laugh, commensurate and cry with this typical family. If you have Hulu, you can binge watch all seven seasons and watch the progression of their lives.

college guidance, parenting

Your Student May Be Headed to College, But . . .

headed to college

It’s hump day. Which means it’s the perfect day for some levity (and just a little sarcasm). If you are a parent of a college-bound teen, you will welcome levity. Especially this time of year.

It’s the time of year when tempers flare, stress reigns, and emotions collide. Many parents may find themselves looking forward to the day when their argumentative, emotional teenager moves out and heads off to college. After all, that’s when they will become an independent adult, handling their own problems.  They won’t be asking for help any longer and will not be yelling at you for all those reminders to study for the tests, write the essays, fill out the applications, and apply for scholarships.

If you believe that, you’re living in a dream world. Just because they are headed to college, they will still need you. You will receive all types of calls and texts, cementing the fact that although they are gone, they will never be able to survive without you. And most parents, wouldn’t have it any other way.

Check out this video I saw this morning that demonstrates the fact–you’re never too old or too independent to need your mother. Just click on the photo above or click here!

college guidance, parenting

How I Helped My Daughter Choose College Over a Boyfriend

 

choose college

I will never forget how it felt when my daughter announced, “I don’t think I will go away to college.” My stomach went into knots. My heart broke. My mouth dropped. Panic arose within every fiber of my being; but I didn’t speak. My mind was going in a hundred different directions; but I remained calm. Thinking back, I have no idea why I didn’t immediately start freaking out.

What would make an academically motivated, hard-working senior with a dream of attending college in Boston change her mind? A boy. What else? During the second half of her senior year she met a boy. He was kind, sweet, loving, and very romantic. He plied her with flowers, daily love notes, and phone calls declaring his love. He also began begging her to stay. It started simply with an “I will miss you” and transitioned to talk of marriage.

How could I possibly compete with the “M” word? How would I convince my daughter that college was more important than a boyfriend? How could I explain to her that he was probably the first of many and there was a big world out there waiting for her to explore?

The first step to convince her that college was the best choice, was to start a conversation. The first thing I did was ask her, “Why, after all this time, and all your hard work, would you change your mind?” At first, she gave me a multitude of excuses, from being afraid to move so far from home to missing me to having to leaver her friends. But eventually, she admitted it was her boyfriend.

Instead of bad-mouthing him and telling her he should not be pressuring her, I turned the conversation toward these three topics: the reason you wanted to go away to college, the realities of losing all your financial aid, and the importance of choosing your own path in life. After a few days of tears and logical evaluation, my arguments prevailed. She agreed to stick with the plan and go away to college.

It is important to note that I did not lose my cool. I didn’t argue. I didn’t yell. I didn’t make her feel her opinion was silly or stupid or illogical. She was now an adult and would have to make her own decisions. I simply guided her toward the right choice.

Getting her to college was one thing. I thought that once she made the decision, she would move on. But the first day of freshman week, she announced that she would give it a try and transfer if it didn’t work. Translated: if the long distance relationship doesn’t work, I will move back home and go to college there.

But I knew something she didn’t know. College offered her so much more than being stuck in a long-distance relationship with a boy who was still in high school. It wasn’t two weeks before she met someone else and decided that college was a good place after all. By the time spring break rolled around, her boyfriend was ancient history and college and its experiences became the focus of her life.

admissions, college guidance, parenting

Choosing a College–Is it 1, 2, or 3?

 

choosing a college

It’s crunch time. May 1, the deadline to make your final college choice, is upon us. For many families, they have multiple colleges to choose from. Offers of admission, along with financial aid packages, have been rolling in. Now comes the hard part: will it be 1st, 2nd, 3rd or even 4th or 5th choice when choosing a college? Will your son or daughter choose their dream college, or will they choose a college offering better aid that was further down the list.

As you’re making the decision, remember these points:

It’s not all about the money.

I know. I’ve been preaching about aid awards, comparing awards, and choosing the best financial fit. But it’s not always about the money. If you read my post about my daughter, (My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship) you will see that although the money was there, the fit was not. Ultimately the decision came down to her feelings–coupled with a logical financial plan.

The final decision has to be your child’s.

You won’t be attending college. She will. If you force a choice, the outcome will not be pretty. You will soon be getting a phone call, “I just don’t like it here”. No amount of coaxing, tough love, or putting your foot down can overshadow a college choice that you made for your daughter.

Any choice is a good choice.

If the colleges are on the list they are good choices. It’s a matter of finding that right mix of “love” and financial backing to cement the final decision.

The choices we make shape our lives.

Choices shape our lives–even the bad ones. I read an excellent article today that talked about “bashert”. The title caught my eye (How ‘Bashert’ Can Help You Survive a College Rejection) and I had to find out what bashart meant. “Bashert is a Yiddish word. The definition is “destined, fated, meant to be.” It’s the Yiddish equivalent of “que sera, sera” or what will be, will be, or destiny or fate.”

I fully concur with this philosophy. While you’re choosing a college, remember that every path takes your student down a different road of life; and, according to Robert Frost, the “road less traveled” makes all the difference. The choice may not be what you imagined but your son or daughter has to forge their own path in life.

admissions, college guidance, college planning, college prep, college transfer, community college, parenting

My Son’s Path to College Graduation Took 9 Years After High School

10 Comments

 

This week, I will be sharing some personal stories and experiences of my own children’s path to college. I hope they help enlighten you and encourage you to help your college-bound teen.

college graduation

During his senior year of high school, my son applied to three schools: the Air Force Academy, West Point, and the Citadel. He knew he didn’t have the grades to get into these competitive colleges, but they were his dream schools. He didn’t apply anywhere else and when he was not offered admission, he decided to give up on college. He was defeated and felt he couldn’t possibly succeed. He also felt college was out of the question without scholarships and he did not bother to apply for any. Because of this, my son’s path to college graduation took nine years after high school.

Unfortunately, I was an uninformed parent. I did not know at the time there were many other options for him. He could have attended community college for a nominal cost. He could have applied rolling admission to colleges that were within our ability to pay. He could have chosen a military college and accepted an officer’s commission after graduation. But because he felt he had few options, he opted for the military, with the promise of attending college while serving.

Since he chose the Marines, he had little time to attend college. After serving his four years, he was honorably discharged and the day after leaving the Marine Corps, he began attending a state college on the G.I Bill. Unfortunately, he made a poor college choice. Based on his Marine buddies recommendations, he chose a “party” school. To make matters worse, the college was a commuter college—students went home on the weekends.

[ctt title=”Every student has a different path to college–be sensitive and be an encourager” tweet=”My son took 9 years after high school to graduate college–every student has a different path via @suzanneshaffer” coverup=”BO9db”]

After one semester, he withdrew with an absolutely disappointing 1.0 GPA. It was not that he was a poor student. He just wasn’t ready. After being told what to do for four years, he wasn’t disciplined enough to attend class, study, and participate in discussions. His plan—come home and find a full-time job. We agreed to give him six months.

After working at a minimum wage job for one year and living in a small studio apartment, it became clear to him that he needed a college education. Since his GPA would not allow him to re-enter college, he decided to attend community college, retake the same courses, bring up his GPA and transfer to a four-year college after he had met the basic requirements. Better yet, his G.I Bill and Pell Grant would cover all his tuition, making it possible to attend for two years without incurring any student loan debt.

After two years of community college, he transferred to a private college with a 4.0 GPA. Because of his excellent academic standing, he was able to secure scholarships for this college as well. After two more years, and nine years after high school, he graduated Magna Cum Laude with numerous academic merit awards. It was clear that he was capable of so much more than he thought he was in high school.

What made the difference? He was ready. After working for a year making minimum wage, he realized the importance of a college education. He made a plan and kept his eye on the prize. As he did in the Marines, he excelled in the execution of that plan and reaped the rewards of his academic commitment.

Is your teen a good student and is struggling with a college decision? Don’t be discouraged. He or she may not be ready. A gap year might be in order. Working at a trade or internship could help motivate them. For my son, the military was the best option. Whatever your teenager decides, the path he or she takes should be the path that best fits them. Forcing a student to attend college if he’s not ready will only lead to disaster: financial and personal failure.

If you think your unmotivated student has few education options after high school, think again. Community college is always an option, offering an opportunity to ease into college life. Trade schools offer a hands-on education and for some students, the best choice. There are colleges who accept applications year round, and even colleges that have a 100% acceptance rate. Just because your student does mediocre in high school, don’t assume college will be an academic repeat. If college is truly his goal, he will make it work; and he just might surprise you.

academics, college guidance, financial aid, parenting

My Daughter Turned Down a Full-Ride Scholarship

1 Comment

 

full-ride scholarship

 

During this financial aid award season, several years ago, my daughter had to make a difficult decision: which college would receive her acceptance of an offer of admission. Of the many colleges she applied to, they included private colleges, state universities, and trade colleges. Some offered her financial aid, others did not. It was a heart-wrenching decision for her: choose the college that offered the best financial aid package with a full-ride scholarship, choose her dream college that gapped her offering no financial aid, or choose the college that was her perfect fit.

For me, it was a no-brainer. One college offered her a full-ride scholarship, along with the major she wanted to pursue. It was in the city she wanted to live in. All the boxes were checked off. There was one problem, however. Since the college was over 2000 miles away from her home, she applied without ever visiting the campus.

Still stuck on her dream college, we scheduled college visits to the other colleges on her list. Here’s where the emotional issue of choosing a college entered into the mix. For teens, the college choice is always more emotional than practical. For parents, this factor makes it even more difficult for you to guide your student in the best decision.

After visiting three colleges in the same city, one her dream college, she was faced with a difficult choice. If it were up to her, she would have chosen her dream college. Knowing this decision would put her into debt, I was able to convince her to look at the other schools.

One of the other colleges offered her a full-ride scholarship; but when we drove onto the campus she immediately balked. Her reaction was so severe that she wouldn’t even get out of the car. My reaction—total anger and frustration. But I knew that I would regret forcing her to consider this college when she was so adamantly against it. So we drove away and moved on to the next college; knowing full well this meant she was turning her back on a full-ride scholarship.

The next college was a slam dunk. She loved the campus. She loved the tour and the students she met. She loved the location, its surroundings, and the total college experience it offered her. It was a small campus and since she would be so far away from home, it would be easier for her to assimilate in this type of environment. Since it was a liberal arts college, she could minor in English—something she had always wanted to do. The next best part, their financial aid package was doable. With her scholarships, grants and work study, she would only have to take out minimal student loans.

Seeing her turn down a full-ride scholarships was a tough pill to swallow. As her parent, I was completely focused on the financial aspect of the decision. But once I saw how excited she was about the other college and saw the smiles on her face, I knew this was the right decision.

Letting her make an emotional college choice (coupled with some financial sense) was the right decision. She flourished at that college. She met lifelong friends. She was able to get a well-rounded education and graduate with a degree that was employable. She still thanks me every day for letting her make that emotional choice and for also standing firm on the impracticality of her dream college.

Choosing a college is a highly emotional decision for your student. Your job as a parent is to guide them into a practical choice while taking into account that you want a happy student going off to college. Although financing should be a key part of the decision, it’s not always about the money.

admissions, college guidance

Tips for Making the Final College Choice

2 Comments

 

final college choice

The college your student chooses will be his home away from home for the next four years and his extended family. His choice should take into consideration those two facts and many others. How will he (and you) make the final college choice?

What do you do if your student has multiple offers of admission? Beyond comparing financial aid awards, how do you help your student decide which college is best fit? And what if he is wait-listed at his top choice, or feels as if he would like to take time off after high school and moving on to college?

Make another college visit

It’s time to revisit the colleges. This is by far the most important element of making the final college choice. If the college hosts admitted student events, your student should attend. This visit could have a profound effect on their decision. Spend as much time on campus as needed—talk with students, attend a class, talk with professors, and take your own campus tour.

Compare financial aid awards

After the visit, compare the awards. Who offers the best financial aid package? Will the awards carry your student through all four years of college (are they renewable?). Did the college include loans as part of the package? Was your student “gapped”?

Even if the college is your student’s first choice, the award should factor in to your decision. The last thing you or your student want is to graduate with overwhelming student debt. Trust me—he will thank you in the future for being the voice of reason.

Compare colleges on all levels

In an article I wrote for University Parent, How Will Your Senior Decide?, I make these suggestions:

Begin by reexamining all the factors your student considered when applying. For each college or university, take a second — and closer — look at location, academics, the size of the student body, and other elements that made your student feel it would be a good fit. Review statistics including the freshman retention and four-year graduation rates.

It’s been months since she submitted her applications. If she got in, is she still in love with her first-choice college? Has she learned anything about the school since she applied that changes the way she views it? Has anything changed for her? Does the school still fit with her long-term academic and personal goals?

This is a good time for your student to gather information from a few trusted sources. She doesn’t need to invite everyone she knows into the decision-making process, but it can really help to consult with older siblings and friends, or teachers, coaches, or counselors.

Based on this research and reflection, make a list of pros and cons for each college and compare them side-by-side. The top two or three should be evident.

Before your student accepts a college’s offer of admission, take all these factors into consideration. You want your student to be happy, but you also want her to graduate with minimal debt.

college guidance, college planning

10 Criteria to Narrow Down Your College List

 

college list

There are over 4000 four-year colleges in the United States and another 1900 community colleges. Choosing a college can be overwhelming if you don’t narrow down the choices with this simple list of basic criteria. Once you’ve narrowed down the college list, you can get more selective and specific with your final choices.

Here is a list of 10 choice criteria to consider:

  • Your study preferences—Are they more comfortable in a structured class or do you excel doing independent study? Do you require academic challenge or prefer in-class time with little or no additional study?
  • Money—Your budget plays a huge factor in the decision process. If your budget is tight, will you consider student loans? And if so, will an expensive private university be worth the debt?
  • Size—Do you want small class size or does it matter? Does being part of a large student body appeal to you or would they prefer a small college atmosphere?
  • Location—Do you want to go away to college or stay close by so you can live at home? Are you looking for a cultural experience that a big city offers or a down home experience provided by a small town college?
  • Extracurriculars—Are you set on joining a sorority or a fraternity? Are these offered at the colleges you are considering? Are there other activities that you feel are crucial to having a positive college experience (i.e. working on a campus newspaper, participating in intramural sports, studying abroad)?
  • Academics—Is there a specific major you are interested in or will a liberal arts degree do? Not every university offers the same academic disciplines.
  • Career focus—Do you want to study the culinary arts or fashion design? Consider a school that offers these types of specialized degrees.
  • Sports—Does the school have a huge sports program or do sports play little impact in your decision?
  • Competitive vs Non-competitive—Do you have the resume that will ensure acceptance in a competitive college like Stanford or Penn State? Or do you have a strong academic showing that would send you to the top of the list at a non-competitive college and qualify you for a full scholarship?
  • Specialized programs—Do you want to work in the stock market? Does the school offer a trading room? What about internships, undergraduate research, service learning, and even specialized senior capstone projects (integrating and synthesizing what you have learned).

The college list should be loosely formed by the start of senior year. Juniors should be focusing on college visits and start working on their list. Seniors should review this list and once offers of admission arrive, use it to make the final choice.

college guidance, college planning, college prep, college visits, parenting

College Planning for 2016

 

2016

With the Christmas season upon us and students out of school, it’s a good time to look at what lies ahead and make some plans to hit the ground running in January 2016.

First things first, take a look at scholarships with January deadlines. These should be at the top of your list to begin 2016. Make scholarship searching and applying a priority in 2016. Say you don’t need money for college? Everyone likes free money! The more scholarship money your student earns the less you will have to pay. Save for retirement. Take a cruise. Remodel your home. Wouldn’t you rather keep the money you saved and use it for other family expenses? It’s a no-brainer–every student should apply for scholarships.

For seniors, it’s FAFSA time. Yes. It’s the dreaded FAFSA (much like the dreaded IRS forms). Don’t procrastinate. With the FAFSA, the early bird gets the worm (or in college terms, gets the money). School award aid on a first-come, first-serve basis. Once it’s available on January 1, get that puppy done. Even if you don’t want federal aid, fill it out. Colleges use this form when awarding other types of financial aid like grants and scholarships.

For juniors, it’s SAT/ACT prep time. If you’re taking the test in 2016, you’re going to be staring the new SAT in the face: it’s going to be available in March 2016. Use the next couple of months to prepare for the test. There are free tools on line to help you study and consider hiring a tutor if you think it will help your student focus and prepare.

Don’t wait to register for these tests at the last minute. If you plan to take the tests in January, REGISTER NOW! And it it’s in the spring, register now to avoid late registration fees. For a comprehensive guide on these registration and test dates, click here.

For sophomores and juniors, it’s time to start thinking about college visits. Sophomores should plan preliminary college visits (visit some colleges to get a feel for college life and prepare a list of wants and needs). Juniors will be making visits to show the college they are interested. Sign up for the tour and schedule and interview. Colleges keep tract of these visits and it will give you an edge when your application is received.

With a new year, comes new challenges and college-related tasks. Planning in December can help you hit the ground running in January and move forward in 2016.

admissions, college guidance, college planning, college prep, Guest Posts

Don’t Let the Wrong Things Stand in the Way of Your Child’s College Dreams

 

college dreams

What are your student’s college dreams?

There are many reasons your child may not get into a specific college—but you should never be one of them.

Sometimes it simply comes down to other applicants being more qualified—whether that be through grades or extracurriculars, maturity level or how admissions officers feel a student will jibe with the university, its mission and the makeup of its incoming class.

But there are many external roadblocks we put on our children that can limit them. Here are three of the most common—and the most detrimental.

  1. Show me… money!

Of course, tuition is astronomically expensive, and no one wants to saddle their child with the huge debts that have been the bane of the current generation of post-grads. That being said, there are always scholarships and fellowships available to people with the right skill level.

If your student has a high level of achievement and is looking toward a trajectory that seems like it will break your bank, start your research on these opportunities early—at least a year in advance of application dates. Many scholarship applications are hard work and require essays, financial statements and recommendation letters.   

College counselors may be able to help outline solutions too, and there are also a great many free college fairs around the country. Check out the calendars for these, because they not only have people there as representatives of major universities, they also have resources to help your student find the financial aid that is necessary for him or her to achieve a college dream.

In the end, if you have to go with loans, don’t fret… it’s possible that all will be forgiven sometime soon!

  1. But where in the world is it?

Many students (and parents) get hung up on staying close to home, with friends, or in a warmer clime. Encourage your student to look deeper into the kind of education they will receive, rather than whether it gets too far below zero (at say the University of Minnesota). What you know (that they likely do not) is that four years is not a long time. Your child can always return to the bosom of the family, or back to sunny California, once they have a solid degree in hand. But who knows—maybe ice fishing will become a favorite new hobby.

  1. I don’t know where I want to go!

Another common roadblock to finding the right university is too many choices when it comes to the future. It’s important to sit down with your child and have a conversation about what they want in a school, even if they keep saying “I dunno.” Keep in mind there is no perfect place and there are many “right” schools to choose from. I know it seems like a massive decision, but it’s one you can get wrong and not suffer too much—a student can always transfer if things don’t work out.

Here are some areas to focus on to help your child whittle down their list of potential schools:

  • Size of school: Would they be excited about the opportunities of a large campus or prefer the individualized instruction of a smaller school?
  • Faculty: Look up the achievements of the professors in certain areas that might interest your son or daughter. Keep in mind elite professors may be on sabbaticals, but it demonstrates a level of commitment to a specific subject at a university. Research opportunities are another part of this. Is the University participating in cutting-edge research in an area that is exciting to your young student?
  • Extracurriculars: Actively investigate where extracurriculars that interest your child are strongest. This will be part of finding the right fit. See if clubs, athletics or performance groups have a high level of achievement.
  • Study Abroad Possibilities: Is this something your student wants to pursue? Make sure the options are available.
  • Post-Graduate Opportunities: It’s much easier to get into grad school at the university where you receive your bachelor’s. If your child is on a path that requires this kind of education, see if this added criteria helps make a choice of where to apply.

Ultimately, it’s imperative to give students the latitude to make their own decisions based entirely on their qualifications for college rather than on any other factor. Everything else can be figured out. Remember, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

___________________________________________

About the Author

Ryan Hickey is the Managing Editor of Petersons and EssayEdge and is an expert in many aspects of college, graduate, and professional admissions. A graduate of Yale University, Ryan has worked in various admissions capacities for nearly a decade, including writing test-prep material for the SAT, AP exams, and TOEFL, editing essays and personal statements, and consulting directly with applicants.