how to, parenting

How to provide parental support

 

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parental supportSocial support of any kind is crucial when you are going through a new and challenging (and exciting!) experience. The college experience is one of the most stressful, especially in the first year when students are still figuring out how to navigate the world on their own. Parents can play a huge role in their child’s success in college, and throughout their education. Parental support and wisdom helps in countless ways. Not only does your support help motivate and get them through this new experience, it also helps the both of you grow.

Motivation and Focus

Being there for your college student shows him or her that you care about what they are doing. It demonstrates that someone, one of the most important people in their lives no less, believes in them. That does wonders for motivation, particularly when the task at hand it a difficult one. It helps cement the idea that all their efforts are worthwhile.

Adjusting to the “Real World”

Your kids may have reluctantly listened, or avoided listening, to your stories and advice while in high school. Now that they are out of the house and dealing with things on their own, they are much more likely to appreciate hearing your take on a matter. They can learn so much from your life experiences and typically know they don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed to ask for your help.

Easing the “real world” stress, whether it is financial or emotional, will help them get through this challenging time and ultimately find success in school. They are faced with several new responsibilities all at once – paying bills, managing their time, making all their meals, and so on. Of course you shouldn’t do anything for them, but pointing them in the right direction or sending a care package will go a long way.

You Both Grow

Your roles are changing. This experience gives you a chance to grow into friends. It is an opportunity to see each other in a different light. You are learning to trust and ease control. You are taking on a supportive role and letting them take charge of their own life. Your college student is developing their own identity separate from you. They are learning how to effectively handle responsibilities and how to solve their problems on their own.

Being there will show them that their life won’t fall apart when things get tough. They can still rely on you. But there is a limit. Don’t let them take advantage of you – that won’t help anyone. And never coddle. As much as you may want to protect them from the harshness of the world, let them take the lead.

___________________

Author Bio:

Haley Coffman is a recent college grad at the age of 31. The road to her degree was a long and windy one, but she made it! She now enjoys working with eDegree, helping students (and their parents) navigate through their own college career.

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Pushing Buttons

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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pushing buttonsKids, especially teens, know exactly how to push your buttons. It might be back talk, or constant complaining or eye-rolling, but whatever the behavior, nearly every parent will experience the tactic of pushing buttons.

Instead of giving my own advice on this topic, I’ve taken from two sources that should help you see both sides of the coin and perhaps help you deal with this inevitable conflict.

Top 10 Teenager Button Pushing Tactics (from AlternativetoCounseling.com)

1. “You never let me do anything.”

This statement invites the parents to point out specific times that they have let the teenager do what he or she wanted. This forces the parent off the real issue at that moment and gives the adolescent the upper hand in the discussion.

2. “You don’t love me.”

This statement is intended to induce guilt and make the parents question their self-worth. Unfortunately, many parents take this bait instead of recognizing that asking the adolescent to do something they do not like had nothing to do with love.

3. “I hate you” or “You’re a liar/bad parent”.

These statements are meant to get the parents to lose their tempers through personal character attacks. This clouds the parents’ thought process and limits their ability to effectively enforce consequences.

4. “You’re not my real mother/father. I don’t have to listen to you.”

This statement really unnerves stepparents but rarely is about the parent not being a biological one. It is merely another tactic designed to get the parent flustered and angry so that the real issue is not addressed..

5. A disgusted look, improper gesture or whiny voice.

Body language, gestures and tone of voice are some of the most powerful tools an adolescent may use to play with someone’s emotions. Unfortunately, if the parents respond to these barbs by losing control of their emotion, it gives the adolescent a great deal of power as he or she now knows how to get under his parent’s skins.

6. Finding you most vulnerable area and preying on it.

Adolescents have an uncanny ability to find the areas that bug each parent the most and apply pressure to that area. For example, some adolescents will intentionally keep their room messy because of their mothers’ emphasis on cleanliness. Again, this behavior is not a personal attack but just clever way of throwing the parent off balance.

7. “I’m gonna kill/hurt you/myself/others.”

These statements are meant to scare the parents so that they will back off and remove pressure from the adolescent. Teenagers usually use threats of violence as a last resort when nothing else had worked.

8. “I’m gonna lie, lie, lie.”

Lying is a pet peeve of most parents and one the teenager knows will get them to emotionally lose control so that he can win, win, win. Parents do not like lying and will often lose control of their emotions quickly when they catch the teenager in a lie.

9. “I hate school.”

Most parents value education so this statement invites a lecture on how the teenager is throwing away his future. Teenagers normally cannot see past tomorrow so they do not see failing school as a problem in the immediate future. However, they do know that education is important to the parent and how to use it to their advantage.

10. “I’m going to leave/run away.”

This statement gets parents to back off from exerting their authority because they fear what might happen if the adolescent runs away and is living on the streets. Adolescents know this and use this statement as an effective tool to paralyze their parents from taking action or enforcing a rule or consequence.

7 Ways parents push adolescents’ buttons (from BridgeYouth.org)

1. Preaching or Using Clichés

It is easy to want to use your own experiences as examples when talking to your kids. However, this will cause them to shut down. Phrases such as, “when I was your age” or “if all your friends jumped off a cliff…” should be avoided.

 2. Talking in Chapters

Try to keep your responses to your child brief. If they ask if they should do something, reply with ‘yes’. If you follow up with more statements, they may become angry or tune you out.

 3. Labeling 

Saying that your adolescent “always” does something can be dangerous. If you say your child is always late, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 4. Futurizing

“Futurizing” is when you talk about your adolescent’s future in a negative context. Examples include, “you’ll never go to college” or “you won’t be able to get a job with that attitude”.

 5. Instant Problem Solving 

Adolescents do not want you to solve their problems! Although it is natural to want to help out your teenager.  Often times they just want you to listen and understand.

6. Questioning the Teenager’s Restlessness and Discontent

Parents make the situation worse when they ask their teen unanswerable questions such as, “What is the matter with you?” or “What’s gotten into you?”. Teenagers are often restless and unhappy for no reason at all-it’s part of being a teenager. Try to accept the behavior in a supporting way unless it extends over a long period of time.

7. Not Tolerating Experimental Behavior

Tolerating behavior and accepting behavior are two totally different things. As your teen struggles to find their identity, they may experiment with various hairstyles and clothing. Express your disapproval once and then let it drop. If you continue to express your unhappiness, a power struggle may develop leading them to rebel even further. Save your energy for the bigger battles.

8. Collecting Criticism

Even though it may seem like your child does not care about your opinion, they do. Parents’ insults and criticism cut deeper and might take years to heal. Avoid rehashing past events or keeping a “mental scorecard” on past behavior problems. Focus of what is occurring in the present.

Admit it, you’ve either experienced those manipulative teen tactics, or you’ve dished out some of your own. Recognizing them should help with future button pushing. Or at the very least, you won’t feel like you’re the only one!

Check out Wendy’s blog: Button pusher’s resistance guide to parenting

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leadership

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admissions, mom approved tips

Mom-Approved Tips: Stop stressing about college rejections

 

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college rejectionsIt’s that time of year. As the New Year approaches and regular admission dates loom in the very close future, parents begin stressing about college rejection. Although not as much as their kids do. Probably the most stressful time of senior year is waiting to hear from the colleges and dreading the wrong response. Why does this happen and what has caused everyone to be so stressed?

College elitism

Colleges have increased their marketing efforts toward parents and students. They use words like “elite”, “prestigious”,“top-tiered”, “Ivy League”, and “America’s Best Colleges” to lure students to apply. Many colleges are struggling financially and their goal is to acquire the best students with the deepest pockets. They promise results after graduation in the form of job offers from companies who promise high salaries and benefits. It’s no wonder the pressure is on to get offers of acceptance from these colleges.

Parent competition

The parent competition these days is fierce. It’s become almost insane the way some parents will do just about anything to get their student into one of these colleges. They will plop down huge amounts of cash, offer endowments, hire expensive college coaches, hire test tutors, and even go so far as to hire a professional writer to author their kid’s college essay. It’s often not about their kid’s future, but more about their bragging rights.

Student competition

The competition to get into college is greater than it ever has been. Education has such great value in the marketplace. Years ago, a bachelor’s degree was enough to put you at the top of the applicant pool. In today’s job market, the college degree is almost crucial to even be considered for employment. More and more students are applying to college and it’s become somewhat of a status symbol to brag about the colleges they are accepted to.

Stop stressing

Stop stressing about college rejections. In the bigger picture, which school your student attends has less to do with success than you might think. In a recent article by Jay Matthews, an education blogger for the Washington Post, college selectivity has little to do with success after graduation:

A 1999 paper by Princeton economist Alan Krueger and Mathematica Policy research scholar Stacy Berg Dale reported that, except for low-income students, the selectivity of students’ colleges did not correlate with their success in life, as measured by income. More influential were what the researchers called “unobserved characteristics,” such as persistence, humor and warmth.

It’s interesting that students usually develop these character traits long before they get to college. If you want to succeed, worry less about what college you get into and more about doing your homework, taking care of your chores and being nice to other people, as mothers have been saying for a long time. Whatever college accepts you, see it as a treasure trove of people and ideas that will lead you to a great life, maybe even a governorship, if that’s your dream. It is a very American story sometimes forgotten in our fashionable yearning for colleges that reject the most applicants.

Read the rest of his article to see some interesting statistics.

Additionally, sometimes those roads less traveled make all the difference. You never know in the grand scheme of things if a smaller, less prestigious college could be the perfect place for you student. Considering only 27 percent of students who enroll in college graduate, all the stressing in the world isn’t going to guarantee success. You can get a good, if not better, education from some of the less known or less popular colleges. It’s not about which college your student attends, but more about the fact that they do attend college.

Scholarship Friday

Scholarship Friday: Frame My Future Scholarship

 

Every student loves scholarships that don’t require and essay, and Diploma Frame has come up with a scholarship that asks students to “frame their future”. No essay, just a photo, collage, poem, drawing, painting and more. Use your creativity to communicate just exactly how you would see your future. It’s that simple. Finalists will be chosen and move on to the public voting phase

frame my future scholarship

The 2014 Frame My Future Scholarship Contest is currently accepting applications. The prizes are as follows:

  • 1 Grand Prize Winner – $1,000 scholarship, $1,000 donation check to winner’s 2014 attended college/university, and a commemorative Frame My Future frame
  • 4 Scholarship Winners – $1,000 scholarship and commemorative Frame My Future frame
  • 19 Finalists – commemorative Frame My Future frame
  • 36 Honorable Mentions – Frame My Future certificate

To apply, you must create an original creative image (a photograph, collage, poem, drawing, etc.). 24 Finalists will be chosen to move on to a one-month public voting phase. Church Hill Classics will select 22 of the Finalists based on the judging criteria, and two of the Finalists will be selected based on Fan Favorite criteria.

Eligibility

Applicant eligibility is fairly broad. To apply, you must be:

  • Attending a US college or university full-time for the 2014-2015 academic year (including community college, undergraduate or graduate school)
  • A legal US resident

Application and deadline

You can apply online. The deadline is March 5, 2014. Best of luck!

college costs, financial aid, Uncategorized

10 Ways to attend college for free (or almost free)

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attend college for freeAs students begin applying to colleges, and juniors begin narrowing down their college choices, consider that there are many options available that allow your student to attend college for free (or almost free), excluding expenses like books, fees, and possibly room and board. But free tuition is nothing to scoff at. Many of these colleges cost upwards of $100,000 for four years.

Here are 10 ways your student might be able to attend college for free;

1. Get good grades and score well on the SAT

Many colleges offer free rides to valedictorians, top 10 percent, and other academic distinctions. High SAT scores help as well—where many colleges offer merit-based free tuition.

Students at Macaulay Honors College, part of the City University of New York system, don’t stress about the high price of tuition. That’s because theirs is free. At Macaulay and a handful of other service academies, work colleges, single-subject schools and conservatories, every student receives a full merit-based tuition scholarship for all four years. Macaulay students also receive a laptop and $7,500 in “opportunities funds” to pursue research, service experiences, study abroad programs and internships.

2. Be a PSAT Merit finalist

Scoring high enough on the PSAT to become a Scholar, a Finalist or a Semi-Finalist can equal big money at some schools-public and private. That means your student may only need to score high enough to make it to the last round; he or she doesn’t even have to be the last one standing.

Here’s a list of automatic (and full-ride) scholarships for National Merit finalists and semi-finalists: http://thecollegematchmaker.com/52-colleges-offering-full-tuition-scholarships-national-merit-finalists/

3. Win Scholarships

With work and a tested method (How 2 Win Scholarships) your student can cruise into college with multiple scholarships. Start early with the research, register on scholarship search sites, and look locally.

4. Work while you attend

There are several colleges that let you work while you attend and pay your tuition. In exchange for free tuition, students at the College of the Ozarks work on campus 15 hours a week. Possible jobs at this Missouri college include dairy farming and custodial work.

5. Pursue a specific career path

Colleges offer free tuition to students who pursue specific career paths or areas of interest. For instance, prospective students must audition for enrollment into Philadelphia’s Curtis Institute of Music. Those accepted receive full-tuition scholarships.

6. Use your location

A number of cities, counties, and states offer free tuition to students who either excel in their studies, or demonstrate a serious need.

7. Go overseas

Believe it or not, there are colleges overseas that offer free tuition to international students. For instance, students at KTH Royal Institute of Technology can get a free technological education at the Royal Institute of Technology. At Lund University in Sweden, you will not have to pay tuition fees.

8. Attend college online

Get free tuition from these online colleges and you’ll truly get a good deal. You won’t even need to pay for room and board! Andrew Jackson University,  Trinity College of Biblical Studies and The Diulus Institute allow you to attend college online for free.

9. Demonstrate need

Students who come from low income families can get free admission from numerous colleges and universities. Surprisingly, many colleges consider low income to be above the poverty level, so don’t think you won’t qualify. Check out each college’s income levels.

10. Serve your country

With a commitment to serve after graduation and acceptance to one of the nation’s military academies and some military colleges, you can attend college for free (and even get paid while you attend). And if you join the military before college, you can attend using the GI Bill after you are honorably discharged.

Following is an additional resource:

The College Solution listed colleges that provide 100 percent of need:

http://www.thecollegesolution.com/list-of-colleges-that-meet-100-of-financial-need/

 

social networks, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent–Social Media: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

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social media

Social media—it’s become a part of our lives. Watch any television show and you will see Twitter hashtags attached to them. Students are using Twitter as an online hangout and Instagram to post their photos. Parents have joined the fray be embracing Facebook and Pinterest.  It looks like social media is here to stay. As a parent, you should know about the good, the bad, and the ugly of social media.

The Good

Who hasn’t found a long lost friend on Facebook? Or connected with other parents on Twitter? Or used LinkedIn to network with potential employers? Social media has its benefits. It’s a simple way to communicate with one another using technology and social media platforms. It’s no wonder that its popularity has increased over the last decade.

The Bad

There are those who wish to abuse the availability of information. They cyber stalk you; post negative comments and rants on your social media accounts; and harass you on Twitter. When this happens, the negative aspect of readily available information rears its head. You’ve been punked. Not to mention the fact that everything you post is there for the world to see, because Google never forgets. Pictures, comments and tweets go out into cyberspace to be read and evaluated long after you ever posted them. That means that colleges, potential employers, and anyone doing research on you will have access.

The Ugly

All kinds of predators hang out on social media. From crooks, to sexual deviates, to bullies and even jilted spouses, boyfriends or girlfriends. They use social media to gather information about you, steal from you, and even perpetrate fraud against you. They can defame your name and turn others against you, all with a few keystrokes.

How do you protect yourself and your child? Know about privacy settings and online security. Research each site’s privacy settings and use them to your advantage. Protect your financial information, your personal information, and your reputation by doing a Google search and setting up an alert for your name. Your child now lives in a world where information is readily available using technology at their fingertips. Protect them in cyberspace just as you do in real life.

Read Wendy’s (POCSMom) post: Social Media Makeover

 

admissions, mom approved tips

Mom-Approved Tips: Waiting for admissions decisions

 

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waiting for college admissionsAnd so it begins–the waiting game. Every parent of a college-bound teen has to experience this right of passage: waiting for admissions decisions. Will she or won’t she get in to her dream college? Will she get enough financial aid to ease the financial burden? How will she react to the news (good or bad)?

If your teen applies EA (Early Action) or ED (Early Decision) the wait should be over soon. For those of you whose teens have chosen regular admissions, the wait will be much longer. During the waiting period, tension ensues in the household with both students and their parents. The stress over college admissions decisions can weigh heavy on your college-bound teen. It’s more important to them than getting asked to the senior prom. So, as I’ve said before, “gird your loins”!

What can you do to help ease the pressure and alleviate some of the stress?

Create diversions

Family activities, especially over the holidays, will help them push the anxiety and stress to the back of their minds. Diversions will help them focus on other things besides what they consider to be the “ultimate acceptance or rejection” from the colleges.

Focus on their strengths

When you see them do something “grand”, acknowledge it. Even the little things like helping a friend with homework or taking the time to give a younger sibling attention. This well improve their self esteem and if and when a rejection letter arrives the blow might be a little softer.

Reinforce your love for them

You may think your kids know how you feel, but use every opportunity to tell them and show them you love them. Your love will help them with the anxiety and stress. They will find it much easier to discuss their distress when they know you love them.

Take a second look at the safety schools

With so much competition for college admission, it’s likely your college-bound teen will gain an offer of admission to one of their safety schools. Surprisingly, many students tell stories of how their safety school was a better choice, especially after they examined their strengths.

Remind them that this is only one step in the rest of their life

No parent likes their child to face rejection; but it’s a fact of life. I like to remind parents and students that often what you consider to be a disappointment could create another opportunity for success and growth. One (or more) rejection does not define who you are, just as offers of admission do not as well. The key is to attend the college that wants you and best fits your needs and expectations.

Celebrate their success

They have made it through 12 years of school and are able to apply to college. That’s an accomplishment in itself. Focus on this milestone in their life while you wait.

Parenting college-bound teens can be challenging, but it’s also very rewarding when you see them become independent adults who embrace their futures.

 

 

 

Uncategorized

College experts that warm my heart this Thanksgiving

 

Happy ThanksgivingAs I was thinking about a post for Thanksgiving I began thinking about all the college experts I am thankful for. Their encouragement and expertise has contributed to my parent readers and helped many parents of college-bound teens this year. If you’re not acquainted with them, you should be.

Wendy David-Gaines

This woman is my hero, in more ways than one and her expertise on parenting college-bound teens and keeping your sanity is second to none. Every Wednesday we collaborate on a relevant parenting topic. If you haven’t seen her blog, read her book, or read her articles at Examiner.com, you’re missing out on some extremely valuable information.

Celest Horton

Celest is committed to helping parents by creating podcasts at “How to Pay for College HQ”. She interviews experts in the college process, giving parents tips on how to maximize the best tools and find the money to pay for college. She’s a mom (and a great one, I might add). Just ask her kids!

Jodi Okun

Jodi is my go-to financial aid expert and the host of #CollegeCash on Thursday evenings. She has partnered with Zinch to provide parents with an affordable course, “A Parents Guide to Making College More Affordable.” She’s a great friend and a valuable expert source for parents.

Paul Hemphill

Paul is every parent’s friend. He dispenses the cold, hard truth about the college process. If you haven’t watched his YouTube videos, you’re missing out. He recently launched a new blog, “The Ugly Blog” that dispenses the information parents need to hear.

The team at Zinch

The team at Zinch works day in and day out to help students find scholarships and provide information to help parents with the college prep process. Their weekly scholarships and their matching scholarship service put them at the top of my list for a go-to scholarship matching site.

Monica Matthews

Monica is a mom and a scholarship superstar. She has been able to send her kids to college by finding scholarships and applying using her time-tested technique. If you don’t have her book, “How to Win Scholarships”, it’s a must-have for every parent who wants to finance college with scholarships.

The parents

If you’re a parent of a college-bound teen, I’m thankful for you as well. You struggle to juggle your life, your finances, and all the college prep steps involved in applying to colleges. In my eyes (and in the eyes of your college-bound teen), you’re superstars!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone and enjoy your break with family and friends. Thank you for your continued support this year and into next.

 

parenting, Uncategorized, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Do you appreciate your college-bound teen?

 

Sign up for my FREE parent tips email and get my FREE Ebook on college financing! Or subscribe to my blog on the left and get email updates.

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from pocsmom.com to parentingforcollege and vice versa.

_________________________

appreciationWe drum it into our kid’s heads that they need to appreciate all of the gifts they have been given: a good home, a strong family, parents who love them and support their college aspirations. But how do we show them appreciation and how do we let them know they are valuable?

The simple answer is—tell them. Telling them is important; but they need to see that you value them in your actions, and the college process is the best time to bring it home. Recognizing that they will be leaving you shortly to embark on a collegiate adventure makes it even more imperative that your teen know that you appreciate them.

Employees like their bosses to show appreciation with tangible rewards. It communicates value and the idea that they have done a good job. Why not adapt that policy with your college-bound teen? Just as employees respond to encouragement, teenagers do as well.

Here are five ways you can show them you appreciate them during the college prep process with small rewards:

1.   Catch them doing something right and tell them so.

When you see them taking charge of the college prep process, let them know you appreciate the fact that they are taking responsibility and making good decisions.

2. When a difficult task is completed celebrate.

When their applications are complete, take them out to dinner and celebrate their accomplishment.

3. Send them a simple “text” of encouragement.

Since texting is the preferred form of communication, just a simple, “I’m proud of you”, or “good job” communicates that you appreciate them and their efforts to become an independent adult.

4. Brag about them to others.

Not in an obnoxious way, but in a way that shows them how proud you are of their accomplishments. Everyone likes to be praised.

5. Surprise them with a special reward.

If they win a scholarship, ace an AP test, or even study for the SAT, give them an unexpected reward. It could be something as simple as a gift card to their favorite store or cooking their favorite dessert.

These five simple ways communicate to your college-bound teen that you appreciate them and their hard work to prepare for college. And here’s a bonus: when your teen feels appreciated, they will continue to excel in everything they do. It’s a win-win for both of you!

Read Wendy’s post: 3 Simple steps to appreciation

Helping parents navigate the college maze