Category Archives: parenting

parenting

13 Reasons Why Parents Should Pay Attention

13 Reasons Why

My teenagers are now adults. Thankfully, they both survived being a teenager and came through it unscathed. I was never more thankful than after I watched “13 Reasons Why”.

This is not an entertainment review blog. That’s not the reason I’m discussing the Netflix series here today. Although it was an excellent series with some bone-chilling twists and turns, it was more than entertainment. It was a shock to my system. It was a wake-up call for parents. It was a commentary on the dangers of today’s teenagers and how being connected either online or with smartphones can multiply and exaggerate what used to be typical teenage experiences.

The premise of this series is one teenager’s path from hope to hopelessness. That path was driven by 13 different people. Twelve teenagers and one adult who either weren’t listening, didn’t care, or felt pressured by peers to participate in hateful acts toward her. With each instance of cruelty, her hopelessness increases leading her to take her own life. But, she leaves 13 tapes behind explaining what led her to do it. Each person had no idea. Each came face to face with their own cruelty and neglect.

Every parent of a teenager should watch this series. But be warned—it will scare the bejeebies out of you. And it should. Because the world our children and our grandchildren live in today is cruel—crueler than it has ever been. Bullies exist everywhere and the bullying is magnified by social media and smartphones. Your teenager is most likely either being bullied or is bullying someone. Yes, I did say that.

It’s time for parents to start paying attention. Don’t bury your head in the sand and say it can’t happen to my child. Don’t turn away and make comments like, “everyone is bullied.” Most of us were bullied as children in one form or another, but trust me, it was nothing compared to the extent of what is happening today.

I am not a psychologist. I’m just a parent. I raised two teenagers. Based on my own experiences, here are 13 reasons why “13 Reasons Why” parents should pay attention to this series:

  1. Your teenager will experience back-breaking peer pressure. Their peers will pressure them to do things they might not normally do on their own. Peer groups have a great influence on your teenager’s actions. Give your teenager the tools he or she needs to stand up to bad behavior and bullying.
  2. The stress and competition around the college process is overwhelming. There is no greater time for students to feel pressured and stress from their peers and adults than during college prep season. Some is self-inflicted stress, but they will also succumb to comparisons over GPAs, test scores, college choices, and college acceptances. Encourage your teen to pursue his or her own path and be proud of their own accomplishments.
  3. Kids are cruel; especially teenagers. It’s a fact of life. It starts in grade school—the teasing, the bullying, the “I’m not your friend” comments. It only intensifies during the high school years. A strong self-esteem and supportive family can help your teenager overcome the feelings of inadequacies that come with this type of cruelty.
  4. If you don’t know the signs of suicide, you can’t help. Educate yourself. Get information online. Go to parent seminars. Talk to the school and ask what resources they have in place to help students. Finally, don’t ignore the signs. If you see your teenager needs help, don’t be afraid to get it.
  5. You should make it clear in no uncertain terms that bullying will not be tolerated. If you don’t want your teen to be bullied, you should make it clear that you will not allow bullying from your teen. If you see it happening, confront it. If you see it happening to another teenager, inform their parents. Get involved and encourage discussion.
  6. If you don’t talk about this now, it will only get worse in college. Now, while you have them at home, is the time to confront these issues of bullying, teen suicide, social media behavior and mental illness. Once they are away at college, it’s harder to see the signs and even harder to help.
  7. Social media is a game changer. Years ago, bullying was done face to face. Now, it happens online and with the use of smartphones. Social media allows bullies to remain anonymous and harm their victims without having to be face to face. It also makes it harder to fight and diffuse the bullying.
  8. Texts, group texts, Snapchat and other means of communication make bullying much worse. When you watch this series, you will see how group texts and social media contributed to extending the bullying from one student to an entire school. Talk with your teenager about the danger of this behavior and monitor their smartphone and social media activity.
  9. The suicide rate among teenagers is alarming. According to the Center for Disease Control:

    Suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for ages 10-24; suicide is the SECOND leading cause of death for college-age youth and ages 12-18; more teenagers and young adults die from suicide than from any disease COMBINED; each day in our nation, there are an average of over 5,240 attempts by young people grades 7-12; four out of five teens who attempt suicide have given clear warning signs

  1. Most teenagers have a side their parents see and a side their peers see. You may think everything is fine because your teenager tells you it is. But appearances can be deceiving. Take the time to listen, communicate and spend time with your teenager. Make your home a safe space where they feel free to talk about any subject without judgment or condemnation.
  2. Do not let your teenagers watch this without you. There are explicit rape scenes, nudity, and an actual depiction of suicide in the series. If you feel they must watch or are already watching, watch with them and have discussions after each episode.
  3. Kindness won’t stop a person contemplating suicide, but cruelty certainly contributes. It’s clear that a person contemplating suicide will require more than kindness to change their mind. However, the amount of cruelty and hatred a person endures can be a contributing factor. Your teenagers should be aware of this and you should make it clear that you won’t tolerate any hate speak or cruel words directed towards others.
  4. Your teenager’s peers shape their lives. Our friends dictate our actions. That’s why it’s important to choose our friends wisely. It’s important for your teenager to have a few close friends they can confide in and trust. These friends will help counteract any negative input they receive from others. My teenagers’ friends were literally their lifeline in high school and college. Help them choose friends who will raise them up and not tear them down.

If this isn’t enough, read this post from a parent whose son attempted suicide and watched the series: “13 Reasons Why” Scared the Shit Out of Me—And It Should Scare You Too!

Now go watch “13 Reasons Why”. But fair warning—it’s going to scare the bejeebies out of you. At the very least it will make you pay attention. At the very most, it could help you save your teenager’s life.

admissions, college planning, parenting

How to Help Your Student Handle Rejection

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This post was originally written for University Parent and posted at UniversityParent.com—Help Your Student Handle Rejection

handle rejection

In high school, my son participated in the Navy Junior Reserve Officers Training Corps program and had high hopes of attending a military academy after graduation. However, due to less-than-stellar SAT scores and our family’s general lack of understanding about how the application process worked, he was denied admission to all of them.

If you’re the parent of a high school senior whose sights are set on a dream college, you can anticipate how devastating rejection might be. But you also know that, given the competitive and subjective nature of college admissions, rejection is possible…even likely.

I have a colleague who won’t call it “rejection” — he has dubbed the two decisions students receive an “offer of admission” and “no offer of admission.” Language like this might ease the blow somewhat, but your teen will not be comforted. The disappointment will be enormous, and real.

How do you handle your own feelings?

First of all, be ready. Those thin “no offer of admission” envelopes are on their way and even if you vow not to take a rejection personally (after all, you’re not the one applying to college) it’s nearly impossible not to. This is your child; you are bound up in his sorrows and joys. And his application was stellar! “How can they reject my student?” you will wonder in outrage, speculating about who may have gotten in instead and taken “his” spot. Suddenly you realize that you, too, had pinned hopes on a future that included Parents’ Weekend on a certain idyllic campus.

When we acknowledge our own disappointment, we can make sure it stays where it belongs — in our own hearts. The last thing we want is to magnify our student’s pain. He feels badly enough already without feeling that he has disappointed his parents.

How do you support your student’s feelings?

Every student reacts differently. Some will shrug off the rejection letters, understanding that it is just part of the process, but others will view a rejection (or two or three) as the end of the world. At the moment that your student is absorbing this news, all the truisms in the world (“Everything happens for a reason,” “It’ll work out,” “You don’t want to go there if they don’t want you,” etc.) won’t help. Hold him, hug him, and let him know that you share his pain. He needs time to express his emotions and deal with the disappointment in his own way.

What do you do after you’ve both had time to grieve?

Once some time has passed and your student is able to be objective, embrace the life lessons. Point out that disappointments often turn into opportunities (it shouldn’t be too hard to dig up some examples from your own life!). Assure him that success in college is more about his attitude than the name on the T-shirt, and even though College “A” didn’t work out, there is a place for him — a terrific school where he is wanted and where he will thrive. On that note, move on to the colleges that mailed the fat envelopes. If there is more than one, he now has the fun task of making a choice. He’s back in the driver’s seat.

When my son was turned down by the military academies, he turned to Plan B and enlisted in the U.S. Marines. After four years of service and the passage of time, he saw himself in a new light. He applied to college, was accepted, and graduated with honors. Back when he was a high school senior, the rejections seemed momentous. Later, he recognized that they had been merely a bump in the road and an opportunity to re-evaluate his goals.

parenting

You’re a Parent of a Teenager: April Fools

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april fools

Teenagers have to be the biggest April Fools joke of all. You are handed this sweet, bundle of joy and 13 years later it turns into a hormonal nightmare–complete with fits of anger, slamming doors, shouts of “I hate you”, mood swings and silent treatments.

This intensifies during the college prep process as stress levels rise and both parents and teenagers morph into monsters at times. But when and why does this happen?

Testing time is stressful. Parents nag students about studying. Students stress about the fact they feel their entire future depends on scoring well on this test. Just know it will happen and be prepared for tears and outbursts (on both your parts).

During college visits students have one idea and parents have another. For the student, it’s an emotional process. For the parents, it’s a fact gathering mission. Stay calm and don’t expect your student to have the same response you do at the end.

Writing the essay is nail-biting 101 for both parents and students. It’s best to step back, pray, and trust that it will get done. Do not–I repeat–do not give in and write the essay for them. If need be, seek professional essay writing help.

Discussing the money with your student who thinks you’re an ATM can be torture. They may not understand but you have to put your foot down on what you are willing to spend. Don’t give in to tears and emotional pleas. Be firm–you’re the parent.

Waiting for college decisions put every member of the family on edge. Checking the mailbox or email account on a daily basis becomes a part of your life for a few weeks (or even months). Be prepared for the highs and lows that accompany this time honored tradition.

Parenting college-bound teenagers might have some correlation to the origin of April Fools.

According to “What is April Fools Day and Why Do We Celebrate It”, some say the French Revolution played a part in the long-standing tradition. April 1 is the anniversary of the event…you may ask why is this linked to comedy?

Historians say back on April 1, 1789, after the French people deposed King Louis XVI, King George III of England made a joke which has continued the tradition until today. He pretended to step down. The peasants took to the streets to celebrate their new freedom..and then were arrested and imprisoned.

Before you take to the streets and celebrate your newfound freedom, be prepared for the labor pains and those late night panic calls, those “I need help” calls, and those empty nest feelings. Raising happy, healthy, successful teenagers might be the greatest April Fools joke of all.

admissions, parenting

College Rejection Meltdown

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college rejection

We’ve all been there. We don’t want our children to be rejected. When someone rejects them, it cuts us to the core. How could anyone reject my sweet little girl? How dare that college turn their admission request down!

But some parents take it too far. They call. They write. They beg and plead. They offer bribes and more. In the hopes of changing the college’s mind about their admission decision.

It’s understandable. You feel your child’s pain. You don’t want them to be hurt. You want to fix it. You’ll do anything to remove the feeling of disappointment. Unfortunately, you only make matters worse. You are helping more than hurting.

Rejection and disappointment are a part of life. Your child must learn this before moving on into adulthood. Sometimes we lose. Sometimes we don’t get what we want. Being a parent isn’t synonymous with being a fixer. We should be helping our children face disappointment, deal with consequences, and learn to adjust life’s path if it takes you in a different direction.

The next few months in a college bound teenager’s life are going to be filled with excitement, drama, and often disappointment. Many will get into their first choice college. Some won’t. Some will have to readjust their plans and consider a 2nd or even 3rd choice college. Some will be rejected and won’t be able to take the college path at all. But it’s not which college your child attends that defines them. What defines them is how they respond to each of them–as an adult or as a spoiled child.

More important, how will you respond? Will you rant and complain to the college? Will you blame the college (or your child) for any rejections? Will you make your child feel insignificant or unsuccessful because they didn’t live up to your expectations?

Here’s a satire piece that’s funny, but a tad scary. You see, I’ve watched these parents in action. They plow and bulldoze their way through every difficult situation, not giving their child the opportunity to face it and overcome. Take the time to read this. Chew on it for awhile. Pass it along to other parents.

Let’s not be that type of parent–you know the one. The one who gripes, complains, threatens and harasses anyone that keeps you and your child from getting your way. Teach your child to self-advocate and face life’s disappointments with dignity. Don’t be like this parent:

Satire–A College Rejection Meltdown in 5 Emails

It starts out like this:

Dear Mrs. Williams:

While I certainly understand how disappointing it can be to receive undesirable news, I did want to follow up on your most recent email to reassure you that there was not “some kind of mix-up” in Elite University’s decision to decline your daughter’s admission. We truly regret that this decision has resulted in the unfortunate return of your gastrointestinal condition, in addition to your severe and persistent rheumatoid arthritis in your big toe.

While Ingrid is undoubtedly a very bright and talented young woman, please understand that we simply have more qualified candidates than we can admit. All admissions decisions are final, and we cannot accept requests for reconsideration.

Sincerely,
Celeste McDaniels
Dean of Admission, Elite University ‘83

Read more . . .

parenting, Uncategorized

Parents, Money and Minors: Credit, Cash and Your College Bound Kid

 

money

Getting your kids through college is always going to be a financial challenge for many parents and there are plenty of decisions that have to be made about how much monetary support you should provide and when they need to take up the slack.

Here is a look at some of the answers to those vital questions, with insights on potential solutions and tips on how to decide what level of support you can and should provide to them when they heading off to college. Plus some tips on getting financial help and why you need to try and protect your credit score.

Student life on credit

One of the best lessons to teach your kids before they are college bound is to try and instill some financial discipline into them so that they understand the need for budgeting and how to make their money stretch as far as possible.

That is going to be important during their time at college when there will be plenty of legitimate expenses to deal with, and some spending like funding their social life, that will all need to come out of the one pot of cash available.

If you are considering the idea of a credit card as a funding idea, you have two options available.

You can either suggest they apply for a card in their own name if they can get accepted, or you could agree to add them as an authorized user on one of your own existing cards. It might also be possible to agree to co-sign on a student card, which means you are going to be equally responsible for the debt accrued on that card.

Talk to your kids about building a credit history and the responsibilities of paying off the balance, especially when you consider how long it will take to repay the balance if you only make the minimum payment each month.

If you want to learn more about managing your credit card balances you can visit Consolidation.CreditCard.

Reckless habits will carry consequences

If your kid is college bound they should be more than ready to take on the responsibility of managing credit and also understand the ramifications both now and in the future if they manage to get themselves into debt.

A good credit history has always been important and it opens doors to the sort of finance you need to get on in life, such as getting a mortgage to buy a home. Want you don’t want then to do is run up debts at college that they can’t deal with, leaving their credit score damaged and their immediate financial prospects looking a lot less positive.

Get help

There are no two ways about it, getting your child through college is an expensive business, which is why it makes sense to see if you can get some financial help to make things a little easier.

The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) will help you to determine how much financial aid you should be able to claim.

It might prove an arduous task filling in the paperwork, but it is an important document and the money you get could make all the difference to your family finances.

________________________

Today’s guest post is from Anthony Farmer. He writes about finances and kids; saving for them, teaching them the value of money as well as real life skills they need. He is a Dad and an educator who writes for a range of parenting sites.

parenting

Are You Raising a “Snowflake”?

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snowflake
PHOTO: MARTIN KOZLOWSKI

I don’t often editorialize here, but I feel it’s important to address this topic. College preparation is more than academics, essays, volunteering, and extracurriculars. Parents should be concerned with the overall child—do they have the tools to become independent adults, make good choices, and embrace diverse opinions.

Unless you’ve been hibernating under a rock, you know “snowflake” is a term being used to describe college students who can’t seem to cope with life. Apparently, we are now in the “snowflake generation.” The term was one of Collins Dictionary’s 2016 words of the year — today’s young adults, viewed as being less resilient and more offense-prone than previous generations.

The Financial Times defined it as “a derogatory term for someone deemed too emotionally vulnerable to cope with views that challenge their own, particularly in universities and other forums once known for robust debate” and noting that the insult had been aimed at an entire generation.”

It’s clear. We are coddling our young people. We, as parents, have made it our business to protect them from life in general. This has become especially clear in the university environments where they should be challenged to think, debate, and be open to exploring all theories and opinions.

Colleges are now notifying students that the content of a lecture might upset them. Events and activities are cancelled because they might offend someone on campus. Safe spaces abound for students to deal with their emotional pain. If disappointed, they are allowed a “pass” for class or a retake of a test.

How did this happen?

Unfortunately, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We have taught our children that the world is a dangerous place. Parents go to great links to eliminate all risk from their children’s lives. Games like dodgeball are no longer allowed in schools. Safeguarding has become a top priority in every aspect of our children’s lives. Parents interfere with teachers, coaches and all types of authority, to keep their children from suffering any consequences of their actions.

Author Simon Sinek explains that as a result of social media and bad parenting strategies, people born after 1984 are entitled, narcisstic, self-interested and lazy. In a viral video he said: “They were told they were special all the time. They were told they could have anything they want in life, just because they want it… some of them got As not because they earned them but because teachers didn’t want to deal with their parents. They got participation medals for coming last. Then they were thrust into the real world and in an instant found they were not special, their parents can’t get them a promotion, they get nothing for coming in last and can’t have it just because you want it. In an instant their self-image is shattered.”

The Spectator summed it up in a recent article: Generation Snowflake—how we train our kids to be censorious cry-babies. “We — adult society — have created this generation. We protect children from criticism and suspend our critical judgment in order to massage their self-esteem. We scare them rigid by ‘catastrophising’ an endless list of fears. We make them hypervigilant about potential abuse from adults and their peers. We encourage them to equate abusive words with physical violence. And we have, in short, shaped our own overanxious, easily offended, censoriously thin-skinned Frankenstein monster. We created Generation Snowflake.”

How can we change this pattern?

Act now! Make it your goal to teach your college-bound teenager how to self-advocate. Teach them life skills like coping with disappointment, facing consequences of their actions, being financially responsible, and thinking freely and forming their own opinions. When they fail don’t rescue them. When they succeed because of hard work, acknowledge them. Don’t reward poor behavior or laziness just because they “tried”. Teach them the world doesn’t owe them anything; it’s their job to earn respect, success and independence.

Get this book: Toward College Success: Is Your Teenager Ready, Willing and Able? Read it and apply its tactics. When your student goes off to college they will be prepared for the real world which can sometimes be cruel; but a learning environment preparing them for adulthood.

parenting, social networks

What Lessons Can Your Teen Learn from the 2016 Election?

 

2016 election

This has been an emotionally charged 2016 election process. Most of us are ready for all of it to be over—from the talking heads, to the vicious mud-slinging, to the hate speak on social media. But within every negative experience, there are always teaching moments for our children.

At some point, your student will be leaving home for college as an adult. Before she goes, use this election to discuss some key values in hopes she will take them with her. These values are more important than grades, essays, and college applications.

Don’t exaggerate, bloviate, or inflate

My how both candidates have ranted, yelled, name-called and gone on and on without saying anything relevant. We’ve heard lies from both sides and attempts to cover them up or minimize them. The lesson here is simple: speak the truth. Use your words to “say what you mean and mean what you say”.

Social media is a game changer

This election has been driven by social media. Tweets from both candidates and from Wikileaks,  blasting one another on Facebook, posting videos, newspaper articles, and memes about each of the candidates. If you think no one pays attention to what you post, think again. This election was played out online this time and could very well be won or lost because of it.

The poor choices you make always have consequences

Each candidate has been embarrassed by some of the poor choices they made in the past. Their actions came back to haunt them. Their choices had consequences. This is perhaps the most important lesson to teach your college-bound teen—think before you act. Are you willing to accept the consequences of your actions?

Think before you post, tweet or email

Everything, and I mean everything, you put online will come back to haunt you. Social media is your resume and everyone is reading it—college admissions officers, future employers, family, and friends. Before you hit the “submit” button, consider the ramifications of what you are saying.

Respect has to be earned

The country has little respect for either candidate. This is an election where most people will tell you they are choosing the “lesser of two evils.” Respect is earned when you exhibit truthful, honest, moral behavior, kindness to others, and respect for authority. You have to earn respect by your actions.

And lastly, “decisions are made by those who show up”.

Harry Truman said, “Decisions are made by those who show up.” Teach your children that voting is a crucial freedom and they should exercise their right to vote in every election. And once the decision has been made, they can rest assured they did their part to express what they feel and believe.

parenting

Walking the Helicopter Parenting Tightrope

 

parenting

Parenting has certainly changed.

In the 50’s, our parents let us have the run of the neighborhood. We rode our bikes everywhere, walked home from school alone, and rode the bus to the movies alone. In the summer, we left the house early in the morning and returned home in time for dinner. Our teachers terrified us and we knew if we misbehaved, our parents would back them up. There were no car seats or safety belts. You would never find anti-bacterial soap or even consider using it. When we turned 18, we either went to college or got a full-time job and moved out of the house.

In the 80’s, parenting styles began to change. Because of Adam Walsh, we watched our kids like a hawk. We weren’t quite ready to take away their freedom, but we worried. We worried about where they were, who they were with, and what dangers they might encounter when they were at school, outside, and at the mall. Parents began to question a teacher’s authority and loosened the grip on the discipline of their children. Spanking became taboo and “time out” emerged as a parenting technique.

At the beginning of the 21st century helicopter parenting emerged. It’s not like we planned for it to happen. It just did. We sheltered our children from any disappointment. Everyone on the team got a trophy. There were no winners or losers. We questioned all school authority. We would never consider letting them walk home alone or play outside without supervision. If they forgot their lunch, we took it to them. If they left their homework at home, we took it to school. We began to make every decision for them and protect them from every consequence. We began to feel the “parent peer pressure” for our children to be the best and the greatest. If they graduated from college and couldn’t find a job, they came home to live and thus the term “boomerang” generation was born.

How do you walk the tightrope of helicopter parenting?

How do we raise our children in this frightening world without overprotecting them from the disappointments and trials of life? What are the long-term risks of helicopter parenting? Combine a little of the 50’s parenting, some of the 80’s style of parenting, and a very small amount of the 21st century parenting for the perfect parenting balance. There’s a fine line between cautious parenting and being a helicopter mom.

Ask yourself this question–Do you want your children to be independent successful adults or do you want them living in your basement for years and years depending on you to pay their bills and take care of them? Is it conceivable they will be going off to college and surviving alone, or calling you every day crying for help, or needing assistance with every life task? Will they be running home because they simply can’t survive without you?

My guess–your answers to every one of these questions would be a resounding NO! 

parenting

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

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goodbye-1180709-640x480

Yes. It’s that time of year again. Parents are trekking hundreds and even thousands of miles to drop off their students at college. For most it’s bittersweet. For moms, it’s a tornado churning inside our hearts. On one hand we are happy for our children. They are now grown up (or so they say) and ready to venture out into the world. On the other hand, our hearts are breaking. The years have flown by and we aren’t quite ready to say goodbye. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Wasn’t it only yesterday that we brought them home from the hospital. They were so small and helpless. When they grabbed our finger and smiled we melted. We wanted to give them everything and we wanted them to have every one of their dreams come true.

And then, the toddler years arrived. With all the “nos” and the “mine” and the dreaded potty training. Most of us felt there would be nothing worse than this. Temper tantrums ruled our house and don’t even get me started on the bedtime tug of war.

But then, they grew up to be teenagers. And we longed for the terrible twos again. During the teen years, we often found ourselves longing for the day when they would leave home. Can college come soon enough? Especially during the summer after high school graduation. Tempers flared, doors were slammed and we wondered just who was living in our house.

Where did the time go? In a few days or weeks, you will be saying goodbye to that child you raised and he or she will be leaving a huge hole in your heart. In spite of it all, you will miss them terribly. And don’t even think they won’t miss you. They may put on a brave front, pull away from the hugs, and hold back the tears, but it will be just as hard for them as it is for you.

It won’t be long before you get the phone call, “Mom, I need . . . “. And once again, you will be aware that it doesn’t really matter what age they are, they will always be your little girl or boy.

Congratulations to every parent who will be dropping off their child at college soon. Hold on to the memories. Believe it or not, they will comfort you in the months ahead.

admissions, college prep, parenting, podcasts

College-What I Know Now That I Didn’t Know Then

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college

Today my daughter turns 35. It seems like yesterday we were visiting and applying to colleges. Since then, she graduated with a Bachelors and a Masters in Marketing. She has two wonderful boys and the life she always hoped for.

From the time she was small, she dreamed of going to college in Boston. It’s a mystery why she chose that city. We had never visited there. The only tie she had to it was from a movie that mentioned Boston University. I say this to make a point—college was always in her future. She worked hard during high school and got the grades and multiple scholarships to attend college in Boston.

But if I knew then what I know now, we would have done things differently.

Establish a relationship with your high school counselor early

High school counselors are invaluable resources for scholarships, college information, volunteer opportunities and as a reference. My daughter barely knew her counselor and when we needed help, it was a struggle. A relationship would have made things so much easier.

Use all four years of high school to get ready for college

We waited until senior year to start preparing for college. Needless to say, it was a train wreck. Between all her senior activities, trying to visit colleges, testing, applying for scholarships, and applying to colleges we were both stressed and irritable. Some of those tasks can be done before senior year, even during freshman year. Plan ahead.

Study for the PSAT

My daughter did not study for the PSAT. We had no idea what was at stake with this test. If she had studied, she could have qualified as a National Merit semi-finalist and finalist. This would have meant full-ride scholarships and more at numerous colleges throughout the country.

Visit every college you apply to

This was a tough lesson to learn. My daughter applied to numerous colleges without visiting. After being awarded a full-ride scholarship at one of them, we visited. She immediately hated the campus and the entire college setting. It was disappointing for me, as a parent knowing this college would have meant no debt. But it would have been worse if she had gone there and dropped out freshman year.

Spend time writing and rewriting the college essay

The essay is your best chance to give the colleges a picture of who you are. There are so many available essay coaches online and free essay help available. I wish we had taken advantage of those opportunities.

Don’t apply to colleges that aren’t within your financial reach

When my daughter received an acceptance from her dream college without any financial aid we knew it was impossible for her to attend. We were anticipating scholarship money to assist us but when it didn’t come through, she was devastated. Do your homework and look at the colleges financial aid profiles. If they award a small percentage of aid and you can’t afford it without it, don’t apply.

Apply early to get the best financial aid

The early bird gets the worm with financial aid. My daughter applied regular admission and her dream college had already dispersed aid by the time they received her application. If I had known then what I know now, she would have applied for early decision.

Start applying for scholarships early

We waited until senior year to apply for scholarships. It was a struggle working all the senior activities in and finding time to apply for scholarships. There are scholarships for all ages—start early.

Appeal the award letter and ask for more money

With several full-ride scholarship offers we could have used them to ask for more aid from her first and second choice college. We didn’t ask for more money from any of the colleges and we didn’t appeal any of her awards. It was a huge financial mistake.

Only apply for federal student loans and know your repayment options

We followed this advice in college, but when she decided to get her master’s degree, she took out private student loans. These loans, combined with her federal loans, put a financial burden on her after graduating. It was difficult to pay them back early in her career and she had to file deferments several times, extending the time and interest on the loans. She made the mistake of not investigating repayment amounts before signing for those loans.

Roommate issues can be the worst part of college

I had no idea the drama that would ensue with college roommates. There were tears, anger, frustration and cries to come home early. If she would have discussed these issues with the RA or dealt with the conflict early, it would have saved both of us a ton of heartache.

As you can see, I’ve learned quite a bit since her college years. If you have a question about any of this advice or any other college-related question, feel free to leave a comment. We parents have to stick together.