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You know you’ve experienced them: out of control parents. They show up at their kids sport events and yell at the coaches and the umpires. They show up in the education system bullying teachers, coaches, administrators and other parents. Their kids rarely have consequences and cannot fend for themselves in most instances. They have a strong sense of entitlement that is passed down to their kids. Nobody likes them AND nobody wants to be them.
In Early Admissions, a novel based on Lacy Crawford’s experience in college admissions office, the author relates a story:
There’s a father who rewrites his son’s Common Application essay after his son has been rejected early decision by his first-choice school. In the revision, the father argues — in the first person, ventriloquizing the boy — that communities benefit from a range of people, the superstars and the average alike, and that the student should be admitted to the other schools on his list not because he is stellar but because he is not. This happened. On the night in question, the father summoned me to proofread his new essay before ensuring that his son submitted it. It broke the boy’s heart, and it broke mine. (I did not oversee submission of that essay. I told the student how I felt, and left it in his hands to decide what to do.)
This is just an example of the many stories I have heard from admissions officers. The college world has labeled these parents: helicopter parents and other names like snowplow parents. College admissions officers all have stories to tell. If you were to hear them all, you wouldn’t believe them. Or would you? Do you sometimes think you fall into that parental demographic? I know I did and still do at times.
It’s not all bad
Unfortunately, a few bad apples spoil the bunch for the rest of us. Educators see parents coming and immediately they put their helicopter radar up. Can you blame them? We all have a little “rescuer” in us, after all. We start from the time they are born protecting them, caring for them, fighting battles for them, and most importantly, loving them. Just because they grow to be adults we don’t stop parenting. Most parents, get it. Sometimes, however, we rush in before our kids have the chance to be adults.
Drawing the line
Good parenting means involvement and participation in your kid’s lives, but when does it become more than that. Crawford asks some tough questions and points out some difficult truths:
Where do we draw the line? When does support become manipulation? When does tutoring stop helping a child, and start teaching him that on his own he’s not good enough? How can we come to realize that character — resilience, curiosity, dedication, a moral compass — is the prize here, and value that over the name on the diploma? Over time, I think, parents know this. But in the heat of senior fall, when everyone is feeling crazy, perspective can become clouded.
Clouded judgment causes parents to do unspeakable things. Competition among other parents can also cause parents to
What happens when parents are out of control?
When parents are out of control kids suffer. Not only are they embarrassed, but they are robbed of the chance to learn life skills and the thrill of doing something on their own. They don’t learn to self-advocate and they don’t get the experience of being independent.
The next time you feel like losing control and rescuing your kids, take a deep breath and think about the future. Will you be robbing them of the satisfaction of accomplishment? Will you be robbing them of learning that for every action there are consequences? Sometimes tough love is the best love of all.
Do you ever feel like an out of control parent? They say that admitting it is the first step to recovery. Here’s your chance (leave a comment)!
