Category Archives: parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Helicopter Parents Gone Wild

December 29, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer 2 Comments

Unless you have been “off the grid” over the holidays, you’ve probably heard about the colorado parents who moved to college with their daughter. Call me crazy but when I first heard it, my mouth fell open. Could this possibly be true? And much to my surprise, there they were on Fox and Friends openly discussing their decision. They are calling it their “gap year”. (Did you know you can’t go a day without a good rationalization?)

I do not understand why any parent would make this choice, let alone any student be agreeable to it. It’s one thing when a student chooses to live at home to commute to school or to save money. It’s another when the student’s parents pack up their lives and move close to the college.

I heard a story years ago about a 4-star general whose mother bought a house on the outskirts of Westpoint Academy. She might have been the first documented helicopter parent. But today’s parents are following her lead. According to college admissions officials and Coldwell Banker real estate it is becoming more and more common for helicopter parents to move with their students to college.

What happened to independence?

In my generation, when you moved away from home you moved away for good. Apparently there is an alarming progression happening. The “boomerang generation” (the crop of the last 10-15 years of college graduates) have moved home after graduation because they either can’t find a job or have to live at home to afford their student loan payments. And now, we have students who basically never leave home (or parents who won’t allow them to leave). All of these behaviors hinder the student’s independence and delay their entry into adulthood. Parents who constantly bail their children out when things become difficult are doing them a disservice in life.

How is this helpful to the student?

In no hemisphere could I possibly justify this type of behavior. I have known parents who bought a home for their student to live in during college, but they did NOT move in with them. Neither of my children would have agreed to this arrangement. Apparently, this generation of students might be more willing to find this acceptable. I do not care what they say or how they justify their behavior, these parents need to cut the apron strings and let their student sink or swim.

As one commentor wrote on the Fox News story: “Her wedding night will be awkward.”

What do you think? Is this acceptable? Would you do it? Would your student agree to this? Leave a comment!

admissions, college guidance, college planning, college prep, parenting

Are You Thinking About College During the Holidays?

December 23, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Go ahead. You know you are. You try and shove it to the back of your mind but it’s there–lurking in the distance. Even if your son or daughter has completed their apps and received early acceptance, there is so much more to do. But don’t let the to-do lists and the looming deadlines spoil your holidays.

Before you start your holiday baking, finish wrapping your presents, and gather around the tree with your family, here are just a few tips to help you deal with the college prep stress:

In the Charlie Brown Christmas, a song rings out, “Christmas is time is here; happiness and cheer”. If only. Unfortunately, the holidays for most are anything but cheerful. We have replaced holiday cheer and happiness with stress. And if you’re a parent of a college-bound teen, add all the tasks involved during school breaks and your holiday stress goes through the roof.

Add to the stress of the holidays and the entire family could combust. Never fear…help is here! Here are 3 tips about stress and how to deal with it.

Mom-Approved Tips: Stop stressing about college rejections

It’s that time of year. As the New Year approaches and regular admission dates loom in the very close future, parents begin stressing about college rejection. Although not as much as their kids do. Probably the most stressful time of senior year is waiting to hear from the colleges and dreading the wrong response. Why does this happen and what has caused everyone to be so stressed?

Mom-Approved Tips: 6 Stressful college tasks (and how to keep from freaking out)

It’s no surprise the middle name of college-bound teens is “stress”. According to a recent survey, 76 percent of college-bound students say they are stressed. If you live with one, you’re stressed too; and not just you, but your family as well. Granted, there are plenty of reasons to be stressed. And plenty of reasons why it’s impossible to avoid feeling stress (try as you might).

Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Tips to help with application stress

There is no greater stress than application stress. Every component breeds stress: standardized tests, GPAs, the essay, and even the recommendation letters. It’s no wonder students are feeling the stress when they start the application process. As a parent, it’s difficult for you to watch the stress levels increase as it gets closer to application time. And when stress levels increase with your student, the family stress goes up as well.

Need more tips? Head over to Wendy’s blog and read: 7 Holiday Stressbusters

academics, admissions, college guidance, financial aid, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Insist Your Student Graduate in 4 Years or Less

December 8, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Did you know that at most public universities, only 19 percent of full-time students earn a bachelor’s degree in four years? Even at state flagship universities — selective, research-intensive institutions — only 36 percent of full-time students complete their bachelor’s degree on time.

Nationwide, only 50 of more than 580 public four-year institutions graduate a majority of their full-time students on time. Some of the causes of slow student progress are inability to register for required courses, credits lost in transfer and remediation sequences that do not work. Studying abroad can also contribute to added time and credits lost when abroad. According to a recent report from CompleteCollege.org some students take too few credits per semester to finish on time. The problem is even worse at community colleges, where 5 percent of full-time students earned an associate degree within two years, and 15.9 percent earned a one- to two-year certificate on time.

What is lost when a student doesn’t graduate in 4 years?

MONEY! My good friend, and college counselor, Paul Hemphill of Planning for College put it into perspective recently. (See chart to the right). It’s not just the cost of the education that your student loses, but the earning potential over the additional year or years. Nothing speaks louder than cold, hard numbers.

What can parents do to ensure on-time graduation?

It’s not a difficult task, although the numbers might speak otherwise. Taking control of the process and making a plan will go a long way in ensuring on-time graduation

Show your student the numbers—Nothing speaks louder than showing your student a loss of thousands of dollars in earning potential if they don’t graduate on time.

Help them plan their major and degree plan, ensuring it can be done in 4 years—Help them plan, ask questions of their advisors, and have solid discussions about their career and/or major.

Encourage AP testing and dual-credit courses—With AP testing and dual-credit courses, a student can enter college with multiple credits out of the way. The cost of these tests and courses pales in comparison to the cost of a college credit and extra money paid if they don’t graduate on time. It’s conceivable that with the right planning, a student can graduate in less than 4 years.

Attend community college for the basics during the summer before college—Not only will your student get some courses out of the way at a cheaper rate, they will enter college with credits under their belt.

Use some tough love—Explain the importance of graduating on time and explain that you will support them for 4 years only. After that, the cost is on them. Nothing motivates a teen more than realizing they will have to pay for college themselves.

Below is a neat little graphic (courtesy of Paul Hemphill) breaking it down for you.

graduate in 4 years

college prep, parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Enjoying a Break When There is No Break

November 26, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

For parents of the college bound, there’s no such thing as a break. Even when you take a break from all the college prep, your mind never shuts off. During the four years of high school, every class, every activity, every amount of free time is cultivated to present a stellar application at the beginning of the senior year. It’s the nature of the beast—all hands on deck for the college prep and then when it’s all done, you can relax. At least that’s what we tell ourselves.

But after the applications are submitted, we worry about the outcome and agonize over the decisions that will need to be made. It’s a never-ending drama that engulfs our lives if we have a student aspiring to college.

But how do you enjoy a break when there is no break?

Enjoy the ride. You have to grab snippets of time throughout the whole process. Whether it’s the car ride to visit colleges, or a 30 minute conversation in their room while they are getting dressed for a date, you have to steal those moments.

Make it a point to not allocate every waking moment to college prep. It should be an exciting time. Don’t ruin it for you and for your student by becoming a nag or a dictator. This only adds to the pressure they feel and escalates your level of frustration and stress.

Let the holidays be the holidays

If you have a senior, the holidays bring increased college prep activity—with college applications either looming or decisions waiting to be received. Set aside some time for fun when neither you nor your student discusses college prep. Even if you go to a movie or a hockey game, it takes your mind off the elephant in the room and helps you relax, even if for a short time.

The good news—this too shall pass. There will come a day when you move from college prep to college drama. If you don’t believe it, just ask any parent of a college student. College prep activities are replaced with roommate issues, annoying professors, and homesickness. Enjoy the four years while you can—they pass so quickly.

Read Wendy’s Post: 6 Ways to Prevent College Bound Burnout

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Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. We will feature an expert on a topic of interest for parents of the college-bound.

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

college guidance, parenting, substance abuse

Mom-Approved Tips: Heading to College May Be Deadly

September 23, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

Yes. I said heading to college may be deadly. At the risk of being a naysayer and offering a negative image, recent news confirms my concern. At least eight freshmen at U.S. colleges have died in the first few weeks of this school year. That’s by no means an epidemic, but it is something parents should address with their future college students.

In an article by Inside Higher Ed, “Lives Cut Short”, the stories of these tragedies is discussed:

At least eight freshmen at U.S. colleges have died in the first few weeks of this school year. The deaths have cast a shadow over the campuses on which the students spent too little time, but they’re also a cross-section of the kinds of issues and decisions facing freshmen as they begin their college careers — and of the choices some young students may not be prepared to make. Even colleges with the best approaches to educating students about mental health issues may have very little time to reach those who may be vulnerable.

Why is this happening?

You’ve lectured them. You’ve warned them. You’ve taught them right from wrong. But have you prepared them to face what waits for them at college: stress, extreme peer pressure, and abundant alcohol?

During senior year you are so focused on getting in to college, that often the most important discussions get shoved to the back burner. We cram those discussions in on the trip to move in and neglect to offer our kids advice on how to deal with the difficult decisions involved during those first few weeks of college.

“It’s a huge transition and all the support systems are different,” said Pete Goldsmith, dean of students at Indiana University at Bloomington. “For students who have lived in very structured situations and environments, going to a college campus when very suddenly they have this new kind of freedom and new choices to make, it can be pretty overwhelming.”

What tools should you give your student before he leaves for college?

Discussions about the dangers he will face in college are great—start there. But discuss the “what-ifs”:

What if everyone around you is binge drinking and wants you to join in? How will you respond?
What if you see someone who is obviously overindulging? What should you do and who should you tell?
What if a student tells you he’s suicidal? Where can you go for help?
What if you witness dangerous behavior? What should you do?
How do you recognize alcohol poisoning—how much is too much?

Don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s not going to happen to your kid. Every school is a party school. Alcohol is readily available, especially to freshmen who consider it an “initiation” into adulthood to get when their parents aren’t a factor and they are free to abuse without repercussions. Sticking your head in the sand won’t help you or your student. Discuss the “what ifs” before freshman year.

parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: 5 Qualities a Mentor Should NOT Possess

September 10, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

When I was in middle school I had a teacher who took a special interest in me. She encouraged me to work hard and spent extra time with me after class to explain the day’s work. Miss Castillo will always be a mentor who influenced my academic life. Because of her encouragement I graduated in the top 10 percent of my graduating class of 900. Because of her I gained self-esteem. She encouraged me, challenged me and supported me during my middle school years.

I’m sure you all have someone who influenced you in school. But mentors aren’t always in the academic realm. They can be coaches, pastors, business leaders and family friends. Mentors take the time to invest in your life and make an impact on your personal life and your future.

There are so many suggestions on how to look for and choose a mentor. But in true Parent College Coach fashion, here are 5 qualities I believe a mentor should NOT possess:

Critical

The last thing you need in a mentor is someone who is constantly criticizing you. There may be something to be said about constructive criticism, but listening to someone constantly criticize and belittle you is not inspiring. It only destroys your self-esteem.

Negative

Nobody likes being around a negative person, especially if it’s someone you are looking to for advice and encouragement. A person who always sees the glass as half empty is not going to inspire you to achieve your goals.

Patronizing

You don’t need someone who is patronizing. A mentor should never act superior or talk down to you in any way.

Disinterested

You need someone who is invested in teaching you, training you and guiding you in your life pursuits. If the person you choose is disinterested and uninvolved it’s a waste of your time.

Controlling

The idea of having a mentor is to teach you, not control your every decision. A controlling person is less likely to help you find your own path—he will want you to follow his.

Choosing a mentor requires thought and careful searching. As in my case, mentors can have a profound effect on your life. Choose wisely.

Read Wendy’s post: Choose a Mentor in 3 Steps

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parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Surviving Move-In Day

August 18, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

college move in day — Photo courtesy of University Parent

Originally published in the University Parent Guide to Supporting Your Student’s Freshman Year

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Emotions run high on college move-in day. Parents anticipate letting go of the child they’ve spent 18 years protecting; students are excited but also nervous and self-conscious. All these emotions — yours and theirs — require patience on your part. As move-in day approaches, knowing what to expect should help you and your student survive with minimal fall-out.

Arrive prepared
Arrive early (get a good parking spot!) and prepared for the day. Bring the necessary equipment: dollies for heavy items, cleaning supplies, and comfortable shoes and clothing (it’s going to be a long day). Label boxes when packing to facilitate unpacking. Be prepared to navigate steps and carry heavy objects. Don’t count on elevators being available — everyone else will be using them, too.

Do your research before you arrive on campus, and make a list of required tasks: a trip to the bookstore, a stop at the Financial Aid or Student Accounting Office, a visit to a bank to open an account. Leave time for shopping but don’t overdo it — your student won’t need every single dorm furnishing item the first day or even week of school.

Take a step back
Allow your student to take the lead. When checking into the dorm, let her do the talking while you stand by to help if necessary. The sooner your student takes ownership of even mundane aspects of the college experience, the better. Let it start from the moment you arrive on campus.

To read the rest of my article, follow this link to University Parent’s website: Surviving College Move-In Day

And to snag yourself (or a friend) a copy of the University Parent Guide to Supporting your Student’s Freshman Year, use this coupon code at checkout (2DISCFRD) for a “Friends and Family Discount” — 60% off the regular price dropping it to $7.22. The code expires September 1st.

careers, parenting

Helping Your Child Choose the Right Degree

August 14, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

It’s an important time when your child is just about to finish high school and is working out where he or she would like to go next. You want to let him or her make their own decisions and follow their heart, but you also want to ensure he or she is making the best decisions for future life and career. For example, when looking at degrees to study, maybe you want her to choose the chemical engineering degree, but she wants to complete an arts degree. It’s a real minefield: deciding whether to interfere or to let her make her own decisions unaided to choose the right degree.

You Know Your Child

You’ve seen him or her grow up, you’ve watched them play with other children and develop into the young adult they are today. You know them inside out, probably better than they know themselves. Children do value their parents’ opinions, even if they won’t show it. You’re allowed to help.

Find Resources

You can give your child the resources they need to think through their own decision making. Send them links to quizzes online which ask them about their interests and suggests routes for them based on their answers. Find websites aimed at school leavers which outline career paths and which courses are needed to get to where they want to go. And then let them soak up the information themselves.

Go With Them

Take your child to university open days, trial study days, and guided tours. You can walk around with them, let them soak up the atmosphere and imagine what attending these places might be like. There will be talks about courses so your child can learn what their chosen course will be like, along with taster sessions.

Help Them Find Opportunities

If your child still isn’t certain, take a top-down approach: find out what career areas interest them, and then work out how they can get there. There are many work experience and internship opportunities available: even a couple of weeks in a role will give them a taste for whether they would enjoy a career in a certain sector. Do you have any friends who could offer them work experience or shadowing opportunities for a couple of weeks over the summer?

Ask Them Questions

Sometimes it’s helpful just to sit down with your child and talk. Ask them what makes them tick, what gets them excited about life, and where they see themselves in ten or twenty years? Bring along a pen and paper and make notes or draw a mind map: this is a great opportunity to be supportive and help them find a direction without forcing them where you think they shouldgo.

Support Them

It might be that your child wants to study a subject, and you don’t agree that this is the best decision for them. It’s okay to tell them how you feel, but ensure you’re thinking of their best interests: it is as important for them to study a subject about which they feel passionate, as it is important for them to study a subject with excellent career prospects.

Most of all: good luck to your child on their future career. With some guidance, they will make a decision which suits them and brings them to the place they want to go, wherever that is.

college guidance, mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: How Early is Too Early to Prepare for College?

August 4, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

How early is too early to prepare for college? We’ve all seen those movie clips where the parents are agonizing over the right preschool to prepare their kids for the right kindergarten, the right grade school, and the right college preparatory school. These overachieving parents are convinced that college prep begins at birth. They take it to a whole other level elevating college jerseys into full blown college prep. But just how early is too early and how far should parents go when preparing their children for college?

With competition for college admission becoming stronger, parents are recognizing the need to begin college prep early. That doesn’t mean that you start drilling college into your toddler’s head (although some parents have been known to do this). It does mean that you begin a foundation for their education that will carry them into high school and eventually into college.

Looking at the three phases of education (elementary school, middle school and high school), what should parents do to prepare their students for college?

Elementary School

When discussing college prep, most of the discussions start in middle school and the steps begin when a student is in high school. But for a student to be truly prepared for college, parents should begin talking about it, thinking about it, and discussing it as early as elementary school.

Start talking about the value of education

Begin talking about the importance of education when your child enters kindergarten. The first seven years of education are filled with learning fundamental skills and gaining knowledge. This is the foundation of all future education. If your child loves school, excels in school, and is motivated to study and achieve excellence, the logical progression will be to continue their education by going to college.

Start talking about college

The opportunities that a college education provides can be relayed to your children during the early years of education.

For example, if your child is interested in dinosaurs, parents should talk about how people that research and recover dinosaur bones had to go to college first to learn how it’s done. Or if he is interested in space, discuss how scientists and astronauts go to college to learn the skills they need to work in that field. A child’s enthusiasms are the perfect opportunities to start a discussion about how college is key to pursuing and following those interests.

Your student might also be interested in pursuing an education online, like this online BSW (Bachelor of Social Work) offered by Spring Arbor University. There are many opportunities available for your student to pursue a Bachelor’s degree online.

Visit colleges with the family

Visiting college isn’t just for teenagers. Many universities provide campus tours and visiting days when a staff member will guide a grade school class, or other group of children, around the campus and explain the unique and exciting things they can do when they grow up and go to college. Parents can also schedule outings with their children to the college or university from which they graduated. The important thing is to make college sound interesting, exciting and accessible.

parenting

Motivation for Students Starts at Home

July 31, 2014 Suzanne Shaffer

helping without harming After finishing high school, which means the end of the obligatory studies, some students struggle to maintain a positive attitude towards learning, especially if they have found a job offer. If you were to ask them, “what do you prefer,money now or money in 10 years,” you’d find out how some of them are so impatient that they prefer the money now, even if it’s a smaller amount. That’s why us, parents, have to be there to motivate them to go to college or to study an occupation and in that way in which they don’t believe it’s only a mandatory thing imposed by adults. In this post we’ll see how to motivate our kids from an early age to always choose to study:

The family is the environment in which our child’s education begins, and also the main model of values and behaviors that guides the cognitive and affective student’s future development. Here’s where parents have the opportunity to get that their children enjoy learning.

Everything should start by educating by an example to follow. Parents who show interest and enthusiasm for their child’s learning tasks and express their curiosity to learn new skills convey this attitude to the student naturally. Several researches say that parental behavior can influence the motivation or demotivate their children to learn, so it’s important too to adopt this disposition in leisure time: parents should teach their kid from an early age to look for the answer to questions, to participate in activities with enthusiasm and to get satisfaction when they get significant achievements in life.

Family should also encourage and appreciate this effort over the results; if we want our child to be motivated in its tasks, they need to suit its capabilities and to increase the difficulty as the student gains new skills cause otherwise, if he’s always required to do the activities he doesn’t understand yet, it’s easy that he feels frustrated and demotivated if he sees his efforts were not worth it. In these cases, it’s necessary to teach him to overcome his problems through perseverance and constant work and to be confident in his skills.

Now, regarding formal education, parents can also influence their children’s motivation by helping them with homework, in order to teach them to deal with problems and to have a good relationship with their teachers. If parents and children share objectives and strategies, the interest of the children to learn will always win.

Parenting for College

Category Archives: parenting