Category Archives: parenting

organization, parenting, Wednesdays parent

Wednesday’s Parent: Procrastinate No More!

 

procrastinate no moreI often told my kids, “I work best under pressure”. It was merely my excuse for procrastination: an unhealthy habit that plagues me to this day. I may work best when I know a deadline is approaching, but waiting until the last minute causes untold stress and anxiety. Unfortunately, both my children have adopted that philosophy and it has followed them through school and into adulthood. It’s something I wish I had never taught them.

What is the solution to avoid procrastination in school and in life? Organization.

With college prep, it’s all about the deadlines. Deadlines are a procrastinator’s downfall. Waiting until the last minute to find the form that needs to be in by midnight, or registering for the standardized test late, can add stress to an already stressful situation.

According to Wendy David-Gaines, POCSMom and Long Island College Prep Examiner, starting the year off right with an organization goal is key:

Parents and students can join together to avoid tarnishing the fresh start transition offers. They can begin with the soft skill of organization. It will be easier to prioritize, keep track, and follow through with their to-do list.

Read Wendy’s “lightbulb” moment post and start the year off right–procrastinate no more!

The skill to set up your fresh start for success

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Wednesday’s child may be full of woe but Wednesday’s Parent can substitute action for anxiety. Each Wednesday Wendy and I will provide parent tips to get and keep your student on the college track. It’s never too late or too early to start!

The bonus is on the fourth Wednesday of each month when Wendy and I will host Twitter chat #CampusChat at 9pm ET/6pm PT. 

Wednesday’s Parent will give twice the info and double the blog posts on critical parenting issues by clicking on the link at the end of the article from parentingforcollege to pocsmom.com and vice versa.

mom approved tips, parenting

Prepping Your Student for the Emotions of College

 

emotions of collegeMuch has been written about preparing for college: college visits, essays, financial aid, college applications, and all the college-related tasks. But preparing your teen for college is so much more than the admissions tasks. You give your child a helping hand when riding a bike. Why would you not prepare your student for the emotions of college?

Your child needs some “mean” emotional skills before move-in day, as evidenced by all the college kids calling their parents to say, “I don’t like it here. Can I come home?”.

We can all learn some lessons from today’s college students and their parents. Before your student leaves for college, add these to your college prep list:

Teach him to self-advocate

It could happen on the first day of college. Your student needs help. He needs to speak with an advisor. Talk with a professor. Have a conversation with the RA. If he constantly runs to you for help in high school, how will he ever learn to advocate for himself? Before he leaves, let him practice. When a situation arises that you would normally resolve for him, let him have the reigns. He will be faced with multiple situations in college when this skill will come in handy.

Teach him to resolve conflict

Roommate conflict is the number one reason students are unhappy the first few weeks of college. Being placed with a roommate that does not match your student’s personality and habits can be overwhelming. Let your student resolve conflict while living at home. Encourage him to work things out with his siblings. When a problem with a friend, teacher or other adult arises, give him the chance to resolve the conflict. Teach him to start with the source and if the conflict is not resolved, move on to the next available source of help: i.e student, teacher, principal, superintendent. If he goes to college with this emotional skill he will be less likely to “phone home” every time a conflict with someone arises.

Encourage him to find and use a support group

Students who sit in their room alone day after day will not survive in college. They need a support group: friends to turn to when they are homesick or struggling. The social aspect of college is key to surviving four years away from home. Before he leaves for college, encourage him to make friends, meet new people, and develop some social skills. Going to college far from the comfort of home and not knowing anyone can be a deal-breaker for the shy, uninvolved student.

Teach him to recognize dangerous behavior and avoid it

There are going to be opportunities in college to participate in dangerous behavior: drinking, drugs, hooking up, and reckless driving to name a few. Give him the tools he needs to recognize and avoid the consequences of these behaviors. For instance, students do not have to drink to party with friends. They don’t need to avoid parties just because there is drinking. You can have fun without getting wasted. Before leaving for college teach him to recognize this type of behavior and makes plans to avoid them.

Send him places without you

So many first time college students have never been away from home without parents. Make it a practice to encourage summer camps and traveling with trusted friends. A few weeks away from home gives them a taste of what life is like on their own. These trips away also give them a chance to be on their own and make decisions as they go through their day. It’s structured, but not so much that they are sheltered by their family.

Preparing your student for the emotional aspect of college will be best for him and for you. If he’s ready to venture out on his own, you will be less stressed about dropping him off on move-in day. And you most likely won’t receive the dreaded phone call: “I want to come home.”

mom approved tips, parenting

For the New College Parent: Your First Night Without Them

 

new college parentI’ve been reading all the posts from parents of new college freshmen. I expected the emotions, tears and general feelings of loss a new college parent might feel. But I never expected the panic, paranoia, and frantic behavior that many have exhibited. No judging here; just an observation.

I get it. I’ve been there.

Both my son and daughter left home after high school. My son joined the Marines. My daughter went 2000 miles away to college.

With my son, I received one letter informing me he had arrived at boot camp and was safe. Until his graduation, I did not receive a phone call or another letter. It was rough. But it never occurred to me to call his commanding officer of the boot camp and inquire about him or ask why I hadn’t heard from him. I knew this was a momentous step for him and he had to walk this path on his own.

With my daughter, it was a little different. I stayed a few days in a hotel near her to help unpack. The first night wasn’t a cake walk. She told me when I left her after dropping her off that she wanted to transfer to a college closer to home. But, instead of overreacting, freaking out, or calling her advisor, I just waited. I knew homesickness would set in. I knew she would ask me to come and rescue her and take her home. I knew her boyfriend was begging her to come home. But I also knew that she was going to have to work things out on her own.

All throughout my daughter’s four years of college conflict arose. From her first few weeks of college and the boyfriend situation, to multiple roommate issues, to conflicts with friends, to the emotions of losing a very close friend in a tragic accident, to losing her grandparents—college was a hard emotional road for her. But, instead of running to her aid, I let her solve these issues on her own. She sought the comfort of friends, made concessions for her roommates and sought help when she needed it. She learned to solve her own problems.

What’s my point?

My point is that as hard as this step may be for both you and your new college student, the choices and decisions you make that first night and every night after that could very well impact how your child responds to college. Running to their rescue because they are crying or homesick will only harm them, and could often have devastating results. It’s time for some tough love. You must, under all circumstances, give them the space to work through their misery.

If you have done your job and taught them how to self-advocate, how to solve issues and conflict, how to find and use a support group, and how to work through their problems they will benefit more from using those techniques than you driving to college and taking them home. Ultimately, however, it’s your choice. But from one parent whose children thank her every day for using tough love and not giving in to their tears, it’s my best, and only advice.

I wonder if it’s because we live in an age of instant communication—staying in touch with texting and location apps on the smartphone. I also wonder if parents have become so frightened for their children that they hold them much closer than they ever did before. Whatever the reason resist the temptation to give in. Your child will thank you; maybe not now, but later when they graduate from college after living four of the best years of their life.

Read this article, “Overparenting Our Teenagers” and stand firm. It’s the best you can do for your student.

admissions, mom approved tips, parenting

Tips for Dads of the College-Bound

3 Comments

 

tips for dadsWith all the advice for moms, one of my Twitter followers (@PeachtreeCP) chimed in: “What about tips for dads?” I had to respond, “I’m not a dad, so I can’t speak for them.” But, it occurred to me that I did know some dads, one in particular, my brother. Both his children went to college. His daughter had a relatively typical college experience. His son, on the other hand, always marched, and still does, to the beat of a different drummer.

When I asked my brother to share his best advice, man to man, he graciously agreed to help. Here’s his response, word for word:

I’m not sure where to begin.  I assume that the dad who wrote you wanted advice about the college process.  I guess I’ll just share how I approached this with Cameron.  Since he’s not the typical kid, my approach was unique to him.  But this is how I did it.

  • I gave guidance, but didn’t try to push him into my expectations for him
  • I stressed the importance of education while he was thinking about what to do after high school
  • I tried to show him how his interests (video production, photography, etc.) would be greatly enhanced by more education
  • I gave him permission to make mistakes and take his time in determining his major
  • I didn’t give him a completely free ride to college – we required that he have some investment
  • I encouraged him to get a job while going to school
  • I encouraged him not to get into debt with loans, but to pay as he could, semester by semester
  • I finally recognized that college may not be his thing, so I gave him permission to say, “I want to do something else”, then I gave him my blessing

In retrospect, I think we could have done a better job of setting him up for a better first year away at college.  We found a garage apartment for him to live in, but he lived alone.  I think it would have been a better experience for him if he had other roommates going through the same struggles at college.

_______________________

Cameron chose to get a “real life” education, self-taught on the entrepreneurial route. It has not been an easy path, but he has certainly discovered his strengths and weaknesses while learning much about himself through self-discovery. He’s working at a job in a field he loves: video production.

For all you dads out there, the key here, according to my brother, is to know your child, give guidance when needed, stress the importance of an education, and give them the freedom to explore their own path in life. The college prep process has it’s own set of challenges and fathers can provide that stabilizing influence and strong support their college-bound teen needs.

empty nest, mom approved tips, parenting

A Day in the Life of a College Mom

 

college momIt’s happening. The dreaded day has arrived and you have dropped off your student at college. The tears have flowed, and you made the long drive home in turmoil. But it didn’t end there, you got home and you walked by her room. The floodgates opened again. I recently had a conversation with my brother and sister-in-law the other day about dropping their daughter off at college. They echoed all the above sentiments and assured me it was the hardest thing they had ever done. I too have been there as well.

But with all the emotions, heartbreak, empty nest feelings, grief and general frustration that took place on that day, a new day will break and we all begin our new life—hers in college, and yours at home missing her. When the dust settles, what can you expect? What is a typical day like in the life of a college mom?

Expect to hear from her soon

Either before you get home or in the next few days you will either get a text, a tweet, or a phone call from her. Mine needed some personal information, some medical information and some banking information. At the end of the call, she said, “Thanks Mom, I knew you could help me.” Those few simple words let me know she still needed me. It doesn’t matter how independent you think she is, she’s going to need you; and, she’s going to reach out for help.

Expect some phone calls feigning homesickness

It’s going to happen sooner or later: your college student will get homesick. The moment you accept the inevitable, the better equipped you will be to handle it. The best response is to listen. The worst response is to rescue her. Harlan Cohen, author of The Naked Roommate, says, “giving a homesick kid more home is like giving someone on a diet chocolate cake and a pint of ice cream.” The solution to homesickness is to create a home at college. Encourage her to get involved socially. Many parents have found this to be the perfect time for a care package from home.

Expect periods of little communication

Believe it or not, this is a good sign. It means your student is getting involved, making new friends, and studying. She has little time to phone home or stay in constant communication with her parents. It’s not personal. It’s a sign she is adjusting to college life and doesn’t need to connect with home as often as she did in the first few weeks.

Expect sickness caused from stress and fatigue

The first time your college student gets sick (and she will get sick), she will call you. Every college student needs their mommy when they get sick. The stress, the sleepless nights, and the poor eating habits will perpetuate the sickness. Send a care package of your best “comfort” items and encourage her to get some rest. The first sickness will be the worst. After that, she will know how to treat them herself.

Expect roommate drama

I don’t care how well the roommates get along in the beginning, there is going to be roommate drama. Personalities will clash, boyfriends/girlfriends will enter in to the drama, and bad habits will cause problems. Encourage your student to resolve these conflicts on her own and seek help if things continue to escalate—that’s what RAs are there for.

Expect the unexpected

No matter how much you plan and think you’re prepared for everything, expect the unexpected. It may come in the form of her wanting to transfer, or wanting to do a 360 on her major. She may announce that she has failed a class (without any notice), or that she is completely out of money and needs your help. Whatever the circumstance, she will ask for your advice and expect, as she did in the past, that you will know what she should do. Don’t panic, just listen. Offer advice. Then let her solve the problem herself.

Be comforted knowing that she will always be your little girl and she will always need her mommy. The same goes for sons—it doesn’t matter how old they get, they will come running to you for comfort and advice.

mom approved tips, parenting

Saying Goodbye to Your College Bound Teen

 

saying goodbyeLetting go. It’s never easy. You and your student have worked hard to get to this day. The last year, especially, has been filled with excitement, stress, and anticipation of what the future would bring. The day is now here and you wonder why you ever encouraged her to go away to college. She may not say it, but she is most likely terrified of leaving home and wonders how she will be able to live apart from you. Emotions transition from anticipation to dread to sadness as you drop her off at college and say goodbye.

All the questions

Although it’s hard for the student, it’s incredibly hard for parents. How do you say goodbye? How do you let go after 18 years of nurturing? How can you possibly tell her everything she needs to know? How will she survive without your constant supervision?

If you’ve done your job, and I’m sure you have, she’s ready. She knows how to make the right choices. She knows how to study, stay organized, and set priorities. She knows how to take care of herself and how to ask for help if she needs it. And most importantly, she knows she can call home anytime for your love and support. She will be on her own, but your words and everything she knows about life are imbedded in her mind and when she needs them, she can pull them up at a moment’s notice.

Both my son and daughter can attest to that fact. There were numerous times that they heard my voice say, “Think before you act, make study a priority, and choose your friends wisely.”

Preparing for the inevitable

The last few months have been hard. Tempers have most likely flared. You’ve been frustrated with her lack of concern about preparation. You haven’t understood why she has been pulling away from the family at times. These are all part of her growing independence and her preparation for living on her own. But as much as she pulls away, she still needs you.

Before you leave for college, find a time to discuss how you want to handle move-in day. Does she want you to help move in and leave? Will she need help unpacking or does she want to do it herself? Does she want to have dinner and then say goodbye? Since emotions will run high, it’s best to make a plan in advance, mostly for your sake. If you know what to expect, you will be able to prepare and you won’t feel rejected when she says a quick goodbye.

Saying goodbye

Remember that Parents Weekend is coming up. It won’t be long before you see her again. Don’t make this an overly-emotional goodbye and cry buckets of tears in front of her. If you must, do it in the car on the drive home (that’s what I did). She will already be stressed and overwhelmed with the whole scenario. The last thing she needs is for you to make it difficult for her to say goodbye.

Your heart will break. A part of you is leaving and moving on to adulthood. It’s normal for you to feel all the emotions you are feeling. Just feel them after you say goodbye.

This too shall pass

These were four of my mother’s favorite words. She was right. Time heals and watching her grow, mature, and move toward her future eases the pain of loss. Phone calls, texts, and visits help both of you transition gradually and before long, she will be home for the winter break and the summer.

Only a mother knows how hard this day is. Only a mother feels that loss and emptiness when they wave goodbye and you drive away. Only a mother knows that life has changed forever in your home and in your family. But be encouraged, you are not alone. There are millions of others who have felt what you are feeling and understand your pain. Reach out to them and seek comfort. Believe me, it will help just being able to share your emotions with someone who knows what you are feeling.

Here’s a great group that has helped so many moms deal with this transition:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/universityparent/

Join it, read the past posts, and start talking. Saying goodbye to your college bound teen doesn’t have to be the end, it’s just the beginning.

For more insight into the goodbye perspective, read Wendy’s post:

The College-bound Goodbye Perspective

mom approved tips, parenting

10 Snippets of Advice About College I Wish I Had Given My Daughter

advice

When my daughter left for college she had just barely turned 18. Not only was she young, but she was attending a college over 2000 miles away from home. I was afraid for her; very afraid. She was entering a world of the unknown: she had no friends, had never spent time away from home, and was going to experience a completely different culture than what she was used to.

Not only was she young and inexperienced, so was I. I did not attend college. I had no idea what to expect. I also had no idea what she would be facing. We both jumped into deep water without a life jacket. I have since then become a seasoned parent and now know what words of advice about college I wish I had told her before she left home.

1. Choose your friends wisely

Most people who attended college will tell you that the friends they made in college stayed with them after graduation. For my daughter, that was true. Your choice of friends will dictate your study habits, your social life and even your future job prospects.

2. Make studying a priority

If you don’t study in college you will fail. College is much more difficult than high school. The reading is extensive, the homework can be overwhelming, and the study requirements can be brutal. Find a study plan that works for you and stick to it. Your good grades will be your reward.

3. Soak up every bit of knowledge

It’s true when they say colleges are institutions of higher learning. But you have to pay attention, be motivated to study, and do the work. The knowledge won’t just soak in, you have to do your part.

4. Don’t waste a moment of your time there

College is a world of opportunity: from social activity, to academic pursuit, to Greek life, to on-campus sports, plays, and concerts. Sitting in your dorm room after your classes and studying are done for the day is just wasting the time you spend there. Get involved, meet new people, and take advantage of all the free opportunities on campus.

5. Leave the past behind

Your friends (and boyfriend or girlfriend) back home will often bring you down. My daughter learned this after the first month of college. They begged her to leave college and come home. Even though attending this college was her dream, she had not moved on. It took some very tough love to keep her in school. She thanks me every day that I stood firm.

6. Start planning for graduation the day you set foot on campus

Four years will pass quickly. Inquire about internships, make connections with alumni, and visit the career center. Most students don’t even start thinking about jobs after graduation until senior year. When graduation day arrives, you will be prepared for a career.

7. Handle roommate issues immediately

Passive/aggressive behavior will make your life miserable. When you recognize a problem, address it. Much of the angst my daughter experienced with roommates could have been avoided if she had simply had a conversation. For the worst problems, go to the RA for mediation.

8. Drink responsibly and always be aware of the consequences of your actions

Every college is a party school. From the day my daughter stepped foot on campus she was offered alcohol. Yes, it was illegal. Yes, the administration frowned on it. But the reality is there will always be drinking on campus. Excessive drinking can cause all sorts of regrettable behavior. Always be aware of the consequences of your actions.

9. Get to know your professors

Your professors are key players in your college success. Establish relationships with them and cultivate them. You might need them for tutoring help, and you will definitely need them for job connections after graduation.

10. Enjoy every moment; those memories are priceless

The memories my daughter made in college are some of her most treasured memories. Her sorority sisters, her study abroad experiences, her trips with friends, and some of her most admired professors and mentors live in those memories. She still, to this day, after almost 10 years, talks about her college experiences with the greatest joy.

college prep, mom approved tips, parenting

The Summer Before Middle School (10 Tips for Moms)

 

middle schoolEntering middle school is a huge transition for students. They go from one classroom to multiple classrooms, lockers, multiple teachers, and more homework. The summer before your student begins middle school is the perfect time to begin preparation for the future. Although it might seem premature to start thinking about college, it’s never too early. Your child needs a strong middle school foundation in order to take the high school courses that colleges expect of a college-bound student.

A national survey by Harris Interactive found that while 92% of seventh- and eighth-graders said they were likely to attend college, 68% said they had little or no information about which classes to take to prepare for it. The National Association for College Admission Counseling emphasizes that parents should begin planning for college in middle school.

Here are 10 tips to jumpstart the middle school transition:

 

1. Broach the subject of college

By no means is it the time to push for Harvard or Yale, or any other specific college. But it is important to discuss goals, interests, and career aspirations. Once you start the discussion, it will make it easier to see how these interests can translate into a college and career plan.

 

2. Amp up your involvement in the school

Once your child has moved past grade school, parents often see this as a time to become less involved. However, this is the time your student needs your encouragement and guidance. He will be making decisions about course selection, struggling with academics, and searching for electives and extracurricular activities that will require your input. Ask the counselor to evaluate your student’s school test scores and identify any areas of weakness that might require extra tutoring. Be involved and be vocal when necessary.

3. Be prepared for course selection

The courses your student takes in middle school will prepare him for high school. Make sure he takes math and science courses that prepare him for advanced courses in high school. In addition, he should take English every year, as many history classes as possible, any computer courses that are offered, and foreign language electives. If your student is interested in music, sports, or art, middle school is the time to explore those interests. In order to take the advanced course in high school that colleges require, he should prepare for those in middle school.

4. Create a plan to pay for college

Don’t wait until the college offers of admission arrive to think about how you’re going to pay for it. Do your homework and start aggressively saving if possible. There are also other ways to fund college like scholarships, taking AP classes, dual credit classes at a community college, and taking summer courses for college credit. Begin researching all these options and take advantage of all of them; but in order to do it, your student must be prepared.

5. Encourage reading

Reading is the best preparation for standardized testing and high school reading assignments. Reading also improves vocabulary and writing skills. You can make this a family goal by reading the same book and having a discussion or adding vocabulary words to the family dinner discussion.

6. Make a study plan

You student will need good time management and study skills to succeed in high school and college. Middle school is the perfect environment to focus on good study habits. Set up a study space, agree on a study schedule, and provide the necessary study materials before school begins. Discuss how important it is to get help if needed and encourage him to let you know if he’s struggling so you can help him get tutoring if needed.

7. Explore extracurriculars

Middle school is the perfect time to start exploring extracurriculars. Once your student finds one that interests him, he can carry it on into high school. Colleges look for consistency in this area and if the student finds his interest in middle school, he can begin his high school years focused and committed to that one activity.

8. Plan some nearby college visits

It’s never too early to visit colleges. Schedule some nearby college visits. It can be a family affair; even a mini-vacation. Early college visits will help your student get accustomed to the college environment and a feel for what college life is like.

9. Look at high school programs

Investigate the programs at the high school or schools your student might attend. Do they offer AP classes, honors classes, or college prep courses? Are there opportunities for creative options like art and music? Does the school have a strong college network of counselors and advisors? These questions can guide you as you prepare for the next step—high school.

Find out about school hours as well. Do  they have a shorter school day or a longer school day compared to the average. You can use this to help gauge the time your child will have for after school activities.

10. Start the organization process

Create a filing system for all future college-related information. There will be scholarship applications, college information, school calendars, and more. Set up a landing zone and a filing cabinet to keep all these documents organized.

It’s time to begin your homework to make college affordable for your student and your family. Apart from the obvious of financial planning, you should research all the nuances of college admissions—standardized testing, financial aid, college visits, college searches, academics and extracurriculars. It takes time to research and consider all your options. The days of waiting until senior year of high school are over.

parenting

Tips for Staying Connected with your Teen

 

staying connectedIt doesn’t matter how close you were before they entered high school, the tension always mounts and the temptation is to drift apart. It takes a concerted effort on your part to stay in touch with their world. They are naturally moving toward independence and we are naturally grasping to keep them from growing up. And thus begins the ying and yang of parent/teenager relationships.

During high school your teens will experience every form of human emotion: joy, sadness, rejection, fear of failure, excitement, disappointment, heartache, love, and the list goes on and on. Most of the emotions are extreme and always seem like the end of the world to them. It’s hard to convey to them that “this too shall pass” and they will realize as they get older that their life is just beginning.

They are looking ahead to the future while living in the present. Keeping on track and keeping their eyes on the prize (graduation and college) can be challenging. As their parent coach and encourager, and the all-knowing, all-wise adult in their life, it’s up to you to stay connected and help them maintain their focus.

Here are a few of my own tips to help when staying connected:

Find that time when you can sit with them and listen. This is not easy, because many teens rarely sit still for very long to have a conversation. I would sit in my daughter’s room while she picked out her clothes and dressed to go out. You’ll be amazed at how much information you can gather if you simply listen.

Share something they enjoy. It might not be your choice of activities, but if you share a common interest it gives you something to talk about. An activity as simple as watching their favorite television show with them, or making a trip to the mall to search for the all-important clothing purchase will offer opportunities for you to listen and for them to open up to you about their lives.

Let them make mistakes, but be there when they do. Allowing them to make choices and experience the consequences of those choices will prepare them for those times when you aren’t there to tell them what to do.

Pick your battles. It’s easy as a parent to constantly give advice, even to the point of overly controlling their lives. Save those showdowns for the biggies: drinking, smoking, drugs, and sex. Don’t stress so much over their clothing choices or their hair styles. They are teenagers. They want to fit in. If you’re not always battling them over the small things, they will be more receptive when you do put your foot down.

Staying connected with your teen can be challenging, but the rewards far outweigh the difficulties. When your teen turns to you and finally says, “thanks Mom” or “thanks Dad”, it’s all worth it!

parenting

Overparenting Our Teenagers

 

overparenting our teenagers
photo by Michael Elins-Newsweek May 22, 2006

I saw an article come across my Twitter and Facebook feeds last week that stopped me in my tracks: Kids of Helicopter Parents Are Sputtering Out. The subheading: Recent studies suggests that kids with overinvolved parents and rigidly structured childhoods suffer psychological blowback in college. As you can imagine, I had to read more. Why was this happening? What does the data show? How can parents prevent these negative outcomes?

Why is this happening?

We live in a very different world. Our concerns for safety cause us to give in to overprotection, even when it’s not necessary. The competition for college admission has become more than a rite of passage; it’s become a race to see whose child gets into what college and who has bragging rights. We have the best of intentions–wanting the best for our children; but those intentions have snowballed into overparenting our teenagers and harming them emotionally.

In 2013, Charlie Gofen, the retired chairman of the board at the Latin School of Chicago, a private school serving about 1,100 students, emailed the statistics off to a colleague at another school and asked, “Do you think parents at your school would rather their kid be depressed at Yale or happy at University of Arizona?” The colleague quickly replied, “My guess is 75 percent of the parents would rather see their kids depressed at Yale. They figure that the kid can straighten the emotional stuff out in his/her 20’s, but no one can go back and get the Yale undergrad degree.”

Can this be true? Are parents willing to risk their child’s emotional health for a college degree?

 In How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, the author Julie Lythcott-Haims, recounts some of her own experiences as a dean:

In my years as dean, I heard plenty of stories from college students who believed they had to study science (or medicine, or engineering), just as they’d had to play piano, and do community service for Africa, and, and, and. I talked with kids completely uninterested in the items on their own résumés. Some shrugged off any right to be bothered by their own lack of interest in what they were working on, saying, “My parents know what’s best for me.”

What does the data show?

In 2010 a psychology professor of Keene State College in New Hampshire surveyed 300 college freshmen nationwide. In 2011 the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga surveyed 300 students. In addition, there was in 2013,  a survey of college counseling center directors and a survey by The American College Health Association. In 2014, the University of Colorado conducted their own survey.

The data confirms that overparenting our teenagers has taken its toll on their mental health and ability to function as independent adults. When parents do everything for their children, it’s a shock when they enter the real world of college and have to fend for themselves and walk their own path.

How can parents prevent these negative outcomes?

Take a step back and let your student figure out things for themselves. Let them problem solve, self-advocate, and make their own decisions before leaving for college. Give them space to grow and expect them to be accountable for their actions–don’t bail them out of consequences.

Madeline Leving, psychologist and author of The Price of Privilege wraps it all up nicely:

When children aren’t given the space to struggle through things on their own, they don’t learn to problem solve very well. They don’t learn to be confident in their own abilities, and it can affect their self-esteem. The other problem with never having to struggle is that you never experience failure and can develop an overwhelming fear of failure and of disappointing others. Both the low self-confidence and the fear of failure can lead to depression or anxiety.