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If you have a high school student thinking about college, be prepared to hear these words after their first few weeks, “I don’t like it here. I want to transfer colleges”. As your heart sinks and a hundred things go through your head, remember that I told you it would happen; and if you read this article it might help you handle those words without your heart and brain exploding into a million pieces.

Before you say anything listen to their reasons

Don’t scream and yell, listen. Your student is upset and needs to voice how they feel. It may not be logical or even feasible, but they need to vent and you need to listen. Stay calm and approach this by treating them as an adult. Use reasoning first and see if that helps.

Give it some time

Most freshmen get immediately homesick, especially if they don’t get along with their new roommate or their coursework is overwhelming them. They miss the stability and comfort they had at home and they want to bail. But give it some time. Usually by the end of the first semester they have settled in and have made some friends. Usually.

Approach it financially

In the case of my daughter, her scholarships were attached to the school and paying for her education. If she transferred it would be impossible for us to pay for her education. There may be very good financial reasons for them to stick it out and then re-evaluate at the end of the first year. It’s rare that your student will use finances as an excuse to transfer, but if they do, be prepared to answer with a logical explanation.

Outside influences

Is there a friend or a boyfriend encouraging them to move back home or join them where they are? This is the worst reason. Help them to understand that they made the choice to leave and it’s time for them to move on with their life. Holding on to the past will only cause them to miss the benefits of the future. They may be adults but you, almost always, hold the purse strings.

Stand your ground

In most cases, you should stand your ground—at least until the end of the first year. Tell your student that if he/she still feels the same way at the end of the year you can revisit the option. It’s my experience that most students, later in life, thank their parents for giving them some tough love when they needed it.

I’m not saying it’s easy to listen to their pain and not act. And in some instances their mental health is much more important than drawing a line in the sand. But you know your child and you will know when they are just too unhappy and miserable to remain where they are. In some cases, they just chose the wrong school.

To steal a line from one of my favorite movies, The Big Chill, “No one ever said it would be easy; at least they never said it to me.”