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mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: Coping with the Empty Nest

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empty nest

During our student’s senior year of high school we live in a bubble. All sights are set on one goal—getting into college. Students and parents focus on college selection, college applications, financial aid forms, and then we wait. We wait for the offers of admission to come pouring in and then we compare financial aid packages and help them pack their bags for college.

But wait. Is it really that simple? Hardly. Most parents would say it’s anything but simple; it takes work, commitment and perseverance on both parts—parents and students.

Now that your student has graduated, the reality of the truth hits you—your son or daughter is leaving for college. Are they ready? How will they ever survive on their own? How will you survive and cope with the void that’s there when they are gone? Will they be safe? So many questions and concerns are rolling around in your head.

From one parent to another, survival depends on knowing what to expect, what to look for, and how to respond to your student. Here are 5 tips that should help cope with the empty nest:

1. Give yourself time to grieve (then move on)

It probably seems like yesterday that you were bringing your baby boy or girl home from the hospital and now they are preparing to go away for college. Although you always knew that this day would come and you are so proud of their accomplishments thus far, if you are really honest with yourself, there is a part of you that is also dreading it.

For this reason, there’s a pretty good chance that you will experience some separation anxiety, not unlike grief, when your child leaves the nest–often called “empty nest” syndrome. It’s normal for most parents and so while it’s nothing to panic over (or feel embarrassed about), you should give yourself some time to grieve and then move on with your life.

2. Don’t give in to fear

Boy how things have changed since we went to school in the 70’s and 80’s. They’ve even changed since my kids went in the 90’s and 2000’s. It’s a scary world out there and you would be crazy not to be anxious when your kids leave your care every day. But don’t let them see it; they need to feel safe and secure at school. Even though we know they are at risk, we have to trust that the teachers, staff, and administration will do their utmost to assure their safety.

3. Stay in touch (in moderation)

Before your son or daughter leaves for college make plans to stay in touch. Schedule time to communicate and discuss how often you need to hear from them. Don’t be that parent who tapped into campus security cameras so he could follow his daughter’s every move. Give your child some freedom to socialize, study and explore their surroundings. A text every day, a phone call every week, and face time once a month should be enough to help both of you feel connected.

4. Practice tough love

Don’t rescue them from every difficult situation. You know the term–helicopter parenting. It’s important for them to make messes, get hurt, feel disappointment, and even fail at tasks. This helps them develop life skills, achieve happiness, and be successful–the things we so desperately want to give them. Isn’t that what tough love is all about? Love your children so much you set rules, provide clear expectations, and allow them to fail so they can learn.

5. Watch the money

Money will burn a hole in your kid’s pocket. Before they leave for college have a clear understanding of what you plan to contribute toward living expenses and what you expect him to contribute. Explain the difference between wants and needs. Today’s kids are accustomed to instant gratification; but saving for something teaches them that just because they want something, it doesn’t mean they need it. When they are away at college, this will be the first question they ask themselves before pulling out an easily obtained credit card.

college guidance, college planning, empty nest, parenting

Top 5 college adjustment tips for parents

empty nest

 

Sending your kids off to college will bring changes into your life. Not only will you have to learn to deal with concerns about health and safety once they’re out of your sight, but you’ll also have the loneliness of an empty nest to contend with. And then, of course, you’ll likely go through an adjustment period with finances. Plus, you’ll have to give up on the notion that your rules and advice carry the ability to influence your kids from afar. In short, it is a transitional period not only for the kids going off to college, but also for the parents left behind, forced to find a new way to live now that they no longer have the immediate demands of parenthood filling their every waking moment.

Here are just a few tips for parents that should help you to navigate this trying time in your life.

  1. Get a hobby. Now that the kids are off to college and intent on living their own lives, you may find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands. While most people would revel in this break from responsibility, the fact that your children are gone could have you moping around the house and missing the pitter patter of little feet (or the blaring music and slamming doors of your teens). A mourning period may be necessary, but there’s no need to prolong the suffering. Spend a few days watching TV and eating comfort food and then find a new way to spend your time. You might take a cooking class, join a gym, or take up gardening. Or you could start a book or movie club with friends. There are a myriad of ways to entertain yourself when you don’t have the pressing concerns of kids taking up all your free time.
  2. Take a trip. Parents often have a hard time figuring out where their relationship will go now that their focus isn’t mainly on the kids. Luckily, this is an excellent opportunity for you to get to know each other again, exploring interests that have long been pushed aside in favor of caring for children. Book a cruise, a weekend camping trip, or a Grand Tour of Europe and use that time to fall in love with your spouse all over again.
  3. Re-budget. Providing for higher education can be quite a balancing act when it comes to your finances. On the one hand, costs may go up significantly thanks to the exorbitant price of tuition, books, and living expenses. On the other hand, parents that plan ahead could have a college fund in place to cover these costs. And if students obtain scholarships, loans, or grants, not to mention paying a portion of their own way by working part-time, you may find yourself with some extra cash on hand. Either way, now is a good time to reevaluate your household budget in order to adjust it accordingly.
  4. Set some ground rules. You won’t have much control over your kids once they’re on campus, but you can still set a few ground rules. For one thing, if you provide a credit card it should be limited to use for school supplies and meals, for example (or else it gets cancelled). And you might want to let your students know that failing to attend class or achieve passing grades, in essence wasting your money, will lead to them getting cut off financially.
  5. Loose the reins. Obviously you’re not going to hire a security company in London or Los Angeles to follow your kids around campus. But if you’re calling them daily and trying to exert undue influence over every decision (from the majors they choose to the food they eat) it’s time to take a step back. If you’ve done a good job raising your kids you have to trust that they have the knowledge and skills to care for themselves and make good decisions. But if you insist on insinuating yourself into their lives you’re only going to alienate them, or worse, destroy their self-confidence and turn them into co-dependents for life. So loose the reins and let them run.

 

empty nest, parenting

Handling the “empty nest” when your student is in college

images-1It probably seems like yesterday that you were bringing your baby boy or girl home from the hospital and now they are preparing to go away for college. Although you always knew that this day would come and you are so proud of their accomplishments thus far, if you are really honest with yourself, there is a part of you that is also dreading it. Your child is leaving home and four years of college will result in them returning to you as an adult with their own home, career and new way of life.

For this reason, there’s a pretty good chance that you will experience some separation anxiety when your child leaves the nest–often called “empty nest” syndrome. It’s normal for most parents and so while it’s nothing to panic over (or feel embarrassed about), we do have some tips that will help you to cope with the transition:

Accept it. Sometimes, the hardest part of change is simply accepting it. The moment that you make the decision to embrace this new season as a part of the parenting process, it will help you to feel calmer so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

Make plans. It is a wise person who once said that when you lose something, you need to quickly replace the void. When it comes to your child, you will always have them as a part of your life, but the time that was once devoted to their needs, because they will be at school, is now freed up. Therefore, use this as an opportunity to join an exercise class, take up a new hobby or make plans with your friends. Staring at your phone, waiting on your child to call or text you is only going to make things that much more difficult. Use it to contact some girlfriends, instead.

Start journaling. There will be some emotions that you have that will be either too hard to explain to others or too private to share. A great way to release them is by picking up a journal. One that can help you to center your focus on the “positives” about this new chapter of your life is a gratitude journal.

Schedule dates with your child. Whether your child is away from home enrolled at Ohio University, Vanderbilt University or NYU, or closer to home at a state college, there are going to be scheduled breaks throughout the semester in which they will be returning home. As a way to give you something to look forward to, discuss with them the possibility of going on a couple of dates with you. That way, you can get in some much-needed quality time.

Pat yourself on the back. When a child goes away to college, sometimes so much focus is on how hard it is emotionally that parents forget that it’s a major achievement that they can be proud of. Not only did their child graduate from high school, but they did well enough to be accepted into a college that can prepare them for their career. So, as you’re wiping away some of the tears that will come from missing them, make sure to pat yourself on the back for a job well done too.

Parenting is loaded with landmarks and accomplishments: their first step, their first word, their first day of school, and their high school graduation. Look at college as another of those landmarks and it will help you see there are always more to follow.