Category Archives: mom approved tips

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Mom-Approved Tips: Dealing with separation anxiety

 

separation anxietyIt’s that time of year. Parents are dropping kids off at school and there are always tears—sometimes from both parents and students. It’s the inevitable separation anxiety.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that she was afraid my brother would hang on to her skirt until he left for college. I, on the other hand, let go with confidence and excitement. My brother never really liked school (or being away from my mom), but I thrived when the school year began.

No matter what type of kid you have—a clinger or an over-achiever, you are dealing with your own brand of anxiety. There are all kinds of parent anxieties and quite honestly, the parents fair worse than the kids when school starts. We never really get over those feelings that overwhelm us; even when they are adults and headed to college or graduate and begin living on their own. My mom used to tell me you never stop being a parent.

I’ve been reading parent forums lately and some common threads of emotion seem to resonate with varying groups of parents. From grade school to college, parents look to other parents to find ways of coping. For some reason, we find comfort in knowing that we aren’t the only ones feeling those feelings of fear and concern. Facing those feelings might make it easier when they leave for college; however, I can’t promise you will ever stop feeling like they are your little boys and girls.

It’s a sure bet that these fears and anxieties are experienced by every parent at some time in their kid’s lives:

Will they be safe?

Boy how things have changed since we went to school in the 50’s and 60’s. They’ve even changed since my kids went in the 80’s and 90’s. It’s a scary world out there and you would be crazy not to be anxious when your kids leave your care every day. But don’t let them see it; they need to feel safe and secure at school. Even though we know they are at risk, we have to trust that the teachers, staff, and administration will do their utmost to assure their safety.

Will they be bullied?

It’s sad to say, but there will always be bullies. I had my bouts with as did my own kids. But it seems that bullying has gotten more common and more vicious. Social media has escalated it to an art form and parents aren’t teaching their kids to treat others with respect. Before they ever walk out the door (from grade school to college) let your kids know that you are their advocate. Encourage them to come to you if they ever feel bullied. You’re in a much better place to judge the level of harassment and act accordingly.

Will they play well with others?

No matter how much you have taught them to share and be kind to others, you still worry that they won’t be accepted or accept others. School is the first place we all learn to get along with people other than our families. It’s where we learn to compromise and collaborate. Odds are they will take away the lessons they have learned into college and into the workforce. Have faith that they grasp this concept and grow in their ability to get along with others.

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mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-Approved Tips: What are you communicating to your teenager?

 

communicating to your teenagerYou know the drill. You feel you have to stay on them for every little thing or it won’t get accomplished. After all, they are only teenagers and can’t possibly manage on their own. Reality check—they better learn how to because once they leave the nest they will be expected to act like responsible adults (well, most of the time). Now we all know that’s a tall order for an 18 year old, but you have to let them spread their wings if you don’t want a 30+ year old living at home with you. What are you communicating to your teenager?

Let’s examine what you say, what you mean, and what your teenager hears:

What you say: I expect you to go to college.

What you mean: I want you to be able to compete in today’s job market by getting a good education and have some great college experiences.

What your teen hears: If you don’t go, I will be disappointed in you.

How do you fix this miscommunication? Ask them how they see their future. Talk to them about their interests and the courses they enjoy in high school. Let them tell you what they want and help them understand that in order to accomplish it they will need a good education. Assure them that whatever their decision, you will always love and support them.

What you say: Don’t you think you should spend some time studying for the SAT?

What you mean: You want them to be prepared for the test and not be disappointed by their scores, especially if it affects their college acceptances.

What your teen hears: You really don’t study enough and your score will sufffer.

Every high school student feels pressured to do well; not just from parents but from their peers. If you see they are struggling because they don’t understand or seem frustrated with the material, consider hiring a tutor. Tutors are surprisingly affordable and will take all the pressure off them and help you to relax about SAT prep.

What you say: Do you think you are spreading yourself too thin? 

What you mean: You know that if your child overcommits to things they will be stressed and overwhelmed, which will ultimately affect academics. You are concerned that fatigue will also be a factor as well.

What your teen hears: You are involved in too many activities and it’s going to hurt your studies.

Before the school year begins, discuss activities and schedules with your students. If you schedule time for academics, extracurriculars and entertainment,  along with some time for college prep, this conversation won’t happen nearly as often. And your child won’t feel overwhelmed and stressed.

What you say: It would be great if you would spend some time searching for scholarships.

What you mean: College is expensive and every extra dollar you can get will help pay tuition.

What your teen hears: You can’t go to college if you don’t win some scholarships.

Before you begin the college admissions process sit down with your student and discuss finances. Explain to them what you are willing to contribute to college financially and what you expect them to do as well. Once that discussion is out of the way your teen will understand your financial situation and also see that they are responsible to do their part.

What you say: I hardly see you anymore. It would be nice if you were home more often.

What you mean: I can’t believe you will be leaving soon and I’m already starting to miss you. We don’t have much time and I want to make the most of it.

What your teen hears: You spend too much time with your friends.

Make it a family rule for everyone to have dinner together. Schedule a family game night and make attendance mandatory. If necessary, schedule a father/daughter or mother/son date night, a girls night out, or a boys night out. Scheduling these times help to draw the family close and cement the relationships that you share with them.

Communication is key in the parent/teen relationship. Find time to talk, even if it’s in the car or over a quick snack or during dinner preparation. You will be surprised at the wealth of information you will learn when you’re not asking questions but listening. And sometimes, it’s more information than you care to hear (TMI)!

mom approved tips, parenting

Mom-approved tips: The ups and downs of raising a senior

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Every Monday I will be sharing my personal (and experiential) tips to help parents survive the college admissions process. It’s my hope that this series will encourage you that you are not alone and even give you a chuckle as you relate. Can’t remember to check back? Subscribe to my blog on the left and you will receive my posts in your email.

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parent and studentSummer is winding down and parents and students are preparing for the new school year. For seniors, it’s their last big hurrah before heading off to college. They are at the top of the food chain and excited to walk on campus as seniors. After all, they’ve earned the right!

As any parent will tell you, stress and seniors go hand in hand. Add that to anxiousness, frustration and over-commitment and you have a recipe for disaster at home. Tempers rise and everyone’s emotions are volatile. If you’ve learned anything over the last 17 years, it’s how to choose your fights—letting the unimportant matters slide to focus on the more important ones.

Here are just a few battles I faced with my teenagers and some mom-approved tips on how to handle them:

Clothing disagreements

Me: Are you really going to wear that?

Daughter: What’s wrong with it?

Me: You’re showing too much cleavage.

Daughter: You never like what I wear! Everyone is wearing these kind of tops.

Let’s face it. We rarely like what they wear. That’s part of being a teenager (the clothing rebellion). Perhaps a better way to avoid this battle and prepare them for choosing the appropriate clothing in college is to suggest alternatives. You can even go shopping with them–that’s an adventure in itself! Or, you could just ignore the topic altogether and pray no one notices. (Denial…a not so good parenting tactic!)

The inevitable battle over cellphone usage

Me: Do you really have to have that phone in your hand 24/7?

Son: Yes. I don’t see what the problem is.

Me: Put the phone down and have a conversation for a change.

Son: Why would I do that?

Today’s teens are tech addicts. Most parents simply don’t understand why they have to text about everything instead of pick up the phone. It baffles most of us that they will text to one another in the same room. But they do. What works for me? Set aside time (usually dinner) when everyone is gadget free. That means YOU have to comply—if you’re honest with yourself, you won’t like it much either.

The organization debacle

Me: Did you follow up and email the college rep you talked to at the college fair?

Daughter: What college rep?

Me: The one from your first choice college.

Daughter: Oh. No. I haven’t done that yet. I’ll get to it later.

Procrastination—a teenager’s favorite technique for avoidance. If procrastination is their favorite technique, then tomorrow is their favorite word. Parents detest hearing that word from their kids, especially when it comes to the application process. What’s a parent to do? You can leave them to their own devises or you can be smart and find ways to help them stay organized. Beat them at their own game: text and email them reminders. If you’re sneaky, you can even add them to the calendar alerts on their smartphone or laptop. Hey, whatever works.

College visits gone awry

Me: Don’t you think you should at least get out of the car.

Son: No. I’m not feeling it.

Me: We’ve come all this way. You can at least get out and walk around.

Son: You can if you want, but I’ll just stay in the car.

Believe it or not, this happens more than you think. My daughter didn’t even want to apply to colleges because the buildings were “icky”. These types of comments can drive a parent nuts. We’re all about making logical decisions. They are all about bordering on the irrational. It’s best to move on when this happens because it’s impossible to drag a 6 foot boy out of the back seat of the car.

Emotional college choices

Me: Why do you want to go to THAT college.

Daughter: Because my boyfriend is applying there.

Me: That’s not a very good reason. What if you break up?

Daughter: (bursts into tears) Break up? Of course that’s what you want. You’ve never liked him!

Expect your son or daughter to apply to colleges based on what might seem illogical reasons to you. They will inevitably make choices because of peer pressure, friend pressure and even boyfriend/girlfriend pressure. Your best bet is to steer them away from these choices and help them see the long term goal. If you’re successful (and a little bit lucky), the college they choose won’t be the number one party school. Then again, all colleges are party schools.

What am I saying? Pick your battles. Senior year is going to be stressful and a turning point in your student’s life and in yours as well. If you choose to be the parent who is screeching about every little thing, you will miss some of the best shared moments in your teenager’s life. The college admissions process, if done wisely, can serve to cement the parent/child bond when you share this experience. Take advantage of the opportunity and don’t be so serious. If you’re lucky your student will emerge victorious and you will breathe a sigh of relief that you have survived yet another milestone in your child’s life. At the very least you will have some stories to share in a blog or at your amateur night at your local comedy club.