Category Archives: empty nest

empty nest, mom approved tips, parenting

A Day in the Life of a College Mom

 

college momIt’s happening. The dreaded day has arrived and you have dropped off your student at college. The tears have flowed, and you made the long drive home in turmoil. But it didn’t end there, you got home and you walked by her room. The floodgates opened again. I recently had a conversation with my brother and sister-in-law the other day about dropping their daughter off at college. They echoed all the above sentiments and assured me it was the hardest thing they had ever done. I too have been there as well.

But with all the emotions, heartbreak, empty nest feelings, grief and general frustration that took place on that day, a new day will break and we all begin our new life—hers in college, and yours at home missing her. When the dust settles, what can you expect? What is a typical day like in the life of a college mom?

Expect to hear from her soon

Either before you get home or in the next few days you will either get a text, a tweet, or a phone call from her. Mine needed some personal information, some medical information and some banking information. At the end of the call, she said, “Thanks Mom, I knew you could help me.” Those few simple words let me know she still needed me. It doesn’t matter how independent you think she is, she’s going to need you; and, she’s going to reach out for help.

Expect some phone calls feigning homesickness

It’s going to happen sooner or later: your college student will get homesick. The moment you accept the inevitable, the better equipped you will be to handle it. The best response is to listen. The worst response is to rescue her. Harlan Cohen, author of The Naked Roommate, says, “giving a homesick kid more home is like giving someone on a diet chocolate cake and a pint of ice cream.” The solution to homesickness is to create a home at college. Encourage her to get involved socially. Many parents have found this to be the perfect time for a care package from home.

Expect periods of little communication

Believe it or not, this is a good sign. It means your student is getting involved, making new friends, and studying. She has little time to phone home or stay in constant communication with her parents. It’s not personal. It’s a sign she is adjusting to college life and doesn’t need to connect with home as often as she did in the first few weeks.

Expect sickness caused from stress and fatigue

The first time your college student gets sick (and she will get sick), she will call you. Every college student needs their mommy when they get sick. The stress, the sleepless nights, and the poor eating habits will perpetuate the sickness. Send a care package of your best “comfort” items and encourage her to get some rest. The first sickness will be the worst. After that, she will know how to treat them herself.

Expect roommate drama

I don’t care how well the roommates get along in the beginning, there is going to be roommate drama. Personalities will clash, boyfriends/girlfriends will enter in to the drama, and bad habits will cause problems. Encourage your student to resolve these conflicts on her own and seek help if things continue to escalate—that’s what RAs are there for.

Expect the unexpected

No matter how much you plan and think you’re prepared for everything, expect the unexpected. It may come in the form of her wanting to transfer, or wanting to do a 360 on her major. She may announce that she has failed a class (without any notice), or that she is completely out of money and needs your help. Whatever the circumstance, she will ask for your advice and expect, as she did in the past, that you will know what she should do. Don’t panic, just listen. Offer advice. Then let her solve the problem herself.

Be comforted knowing that she will always be your little girl and she will always need her mommy. The same goes for sons—it doesn’t matter how old they get, they will come running to you for comfort and advice.

college guidance, college planning, empty nest, parenting

Top 5 college adjustment tips for parents

empty nest

 

Sending your kids off to college will bring changes into your life. Not only will you have to learn to deal with concerns about health and safety once they’re out of your sight, but you’ll also have the loneliness of an empty nest to contend with. And then, of course, you’ll likely go through an adjustment period with finances. Plus, you’ll have to give up on the notion that your rules and advice carry the ability to influence your kids from afar. In short, it is a transitional period not only for the kids going off to college, but also for the parents left behind, forced to find a new way to live now that they no longer have the immediate demands of parenthood filling their every waking moment.

Here are just a few tips for parents that should help you to navigate this trying time in your life.

  1. Get a hobby. Now that the kids are off to college and intent on living their own lives, you may find yourself with a lot of free time on your hands. While most people would revel in this break from responsibility, the fact that your children are gone could have you moping around the house and missing the pitter patter of little feet (or the blaring music and slamming doors of your teens). A mourning period may be necessary, but there’s no need to prolong the suffering. Spend a few days watching TV and eating comfort food and then find a new way to spend your time. You might take a cooking class, join a gym, or take up gardening. Or you could start a book or movie club with friends. There are a myriad of ways to entertain yourself when you don’t have the pressing concerns of kids taking up all your free time.
  2. Take a trip. Parents often have a hard time figuring out where their relationship will go now that their focus isn’t mainly on the kids. Luckily, this is an excellent opportunity for you to get to know each other again, exploring interests that have long been pushed aside in favor of caring for children. Book a cruise, a weekend camping trip, or a Grand Tour of Europe and use that time to fall in love with your spouse all over again.
  3. Re-budget. Providing for higher education can be quite a balancing act when it comes to your finances. On the one hand, costs may go up significantly thanks to the exorbitant price of tuition, books, and living expenses. On the other hand, parents that plan ahead could have a college fund in place to cover these costs. And if students obtain scholarships, loans, or grants, not to mention paying a portion of their own way by working part-time, you may find yourself with some extra cash on hand. Either way, now is a good time to reevaluate your household budget in order to adjust it accordingly.
  4. Set some ground rules. You won’t have much control over your kids once they’re on campus, but you can still set a few ground rules. For one thing, if you provide a credit card it should be limited to use for school supplies and meals, for example (or else it gets cancelled). And you might want to let your students know that failing to attend class or achieve passing grades, in essence wasting your money, will lead to them getting cut off financially.
  5. Loose the reins. Obviously you’re not going to hire a security company in London or Los Angeles to follow your kids around campus. But if you’re calling them daily and trying to exert undue influence over every decision (from the majors they choose to the food they eat) it’s time to take a step back. If you’ve done a good job raising your kids you have to trust that they have the knowledge and skills to care for themselves and make good decisions. But if you insist on insinuating yourself into their lives you’re only going to alienate them, or worse, destroy their self-confidence and turn them into co-dependents for life. So loose the reins and let them run.

 

empty nest, parenting

Handling the “empty nest” when your student is in college

images-1It probably seems like yesterday that you were bringing your baby boy or girl home from the hospital and now they are preparing to go away for college. Although you always knew that this day would come and you are so proud of their accomplishments thus far, if you are really honest with yourself, there is a part of you that is also dreading it. Your child is leaving home and four years of college will result in them returning to you as an adult with their own home, career and new way of life.

For this reason, there’s a pretty good chance that you will experience some separation anxiety when your child leaves the nest–often called “empty nest” syndrome. It’s normal for most parents and so while it’s nothing to panic over (or feel embarrassed about), we do have some tips that will help you to cope with the transition:

Accept it. Sometimes, the hardest part of change is simply accepting it. The moment that you make the decision to embrace this new season as a part of the parenting process, it will help you to feel calmer so that you can make the necessary adjustments.

Make plans. It is a wise person who once said that when you lose something, you need to quickly replace the void. When it comes to your child, you will always have them as a part of your life, but the time that was once devoted to their needs, because they will be at school, is now freed up. Therefore, use this as an opportunity to join an exercise class, take up a new hobby or make plans with your friends. Staring at your phone, waiting on your child to call or text you is only going to make things that much more difficult. Use it to contact some girlfriends, instead.

Start journaling. There will be some emotions that you have that will be either too hard to explain to others or too private to share. A great way to release them is by picking up a journal. One that can help you to center your focus on the “positives” about this new chapter of your life is a gratitude journal.

Schedule dates with your child. Whether your child is away from home enrolled at Ohio University, Vanderbilt University or NYU, or closer to home at a state college, there are going to be scheduled breaks throughout the semester in which they will be returning home. As a way to give you something to look forward to, discuss with them the possibility of going on a couple of dates with you. That way, you can get in some much-needed quality time.

Pat yourself on the back. When a child goes away to college, sometimes so much focus is on how hard it is emotionally that parents forget that it’s a major achievement that they can be proud of. Not only did their child graduate from high school, but they did well enough to be accepted into a college that can prepare them for their career. So, as you’re wiping away some of the tears that will come from missing them, make sure to pat yourself on the back for a job well done too.

Parenting is loaded with landmarks and accomplishments: their first step, their first word, their first day of school, and their high school graduation. Look at college as another of those landmarks and it will help you see there are always more to follow.